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‘Our Perfect Strangers’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

The Goldbergs: Our Perfect Strangers

617. Our Perfect Strangers

Aired February 27, 2019

Erica, Barry and Adam are reluctant to show their Russian relative the sights of Philadelphia. Meanwhile, Beverly's frentas are fed up of her talking about her cookbook.

Quote from Murray

Virginia Kremp: Ladies, it seems we have a visitor.
Murray: This will only take a second. Uh, Marcie, Shelly, Tabitha. Um, I'm sorry, I forgot your name.
Essie Karp: You've actually forgotten all our names. And if Beverly sent you, you can tell her-
Murray: Ho, ho, ho, ho! She did not send me. I came on my own to let you guys know what a great friend she is.
Linda Schwartz: Who only wants to talk about herself.
Murray: Yes. But to me, she only talks about you guys.
Virginia Kremp: Murray, it's sweet you're here and honestly surprising to see you out of your chair, but we know it's not true.
Murray: Oh, but it is true. She was so jazzed when Jimothy won that Flower Grower of the Year Award.
Virginia Kremp: It's Charles, and, um, when I mentioned it to her, she didn't seem to care.
Murray: But she does care. And you, uh, Cindy? Your place in Florida? She's doing everything she can to get me down there.
Essie Karp: It's Essie. And really?
Murray: And you, Patty, she cannot stop talking about your son Stevie and how he can go to any Ivy League School that he wants.
Linda Schwartz: It's Geoff. But that's sweet.
Murray: Look, I know she talks a lot about her family. But to her, you're family.

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Quote from Beverly

Essie Karp: I mean, I knew Babs had range, but watching her play a young male farmer? I mean, transcendent.
Beverly: Oh, well, speaking of cookbooks-
Virginia Kremp: Uh, no one's speaking of cookbooks, Beverly. We were actually just talking about "Yentl."
Beverly: Yeah, well, now speaking of cookbooks. Um, did I mention I'm writing a cookbook?
Essie Karp: You mean the cookbook you've somehow managed to work into every conversation in the last month?
Beverly: That's probably the one, yes.

Quote from Beverly

Essie Karp: I'll tell ya what. If you can go ten minutes without making a single reference to yourself.
Linda Schwartz: Your kids.
Virginia Kremp: Your opinions.
Essie Karp: Your sweaters.
Virginia Kremp: Your couponing expertise.
Essie Karp: How Farrah Fawcett stole your look.
Linda Schwartz: Your matchmaking.
Virginia Kremp: Let's not forget about the cookbook.
Essie Karp: Then you'll have proven us wrong.
Beverly: And what happens when I immediately prove you all wrong?
Virginia Kremp: Well, then, we will admit you're right, and then for the next ten brunches, all we'll do is talk about you.
Beverly: That's my dream. Challenge accepted, suckas.

Quote from Beverly

Virginia Kremp: When Chad said that my chicken was dry...
Beverly: Cookbook! Cooookbooook! Oh, I have a cookbook with so many recipes that Chad would like more than your bone-dry chicken! Also, Adam went to a sci-fi convention, and Barry's applying to Penn, and Erica, there's not much going on there, but she's still a beautiful angel and so much better than your kids, and, oh, my God, that felt so good.
Essie Karp: And you lose.
Beverly: Come on. That had to have been at least nine minutes.
Virginia Kremp: It was two.
Beverly: Oh, speaking of telling time, you know, Murray got me this new Swatch for our anniversary.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: I cannot believe you just thought you were gonna replace me.
Virginia Kremp: No one is replacing anyone. There's room for five Frentas.
Beverly: Well, there's only four drying stations at the salon. What, someone's gonna sit at the end with a towel on her head, like a chump?
Virginia Kremp: I thought we would just take turns.
Beverly: Look, you are my dearest and closest friends, and I love you so much, but right now you're acting like a bunch of [bleep].
All: Oh.
Eileen: Okay, if I may pipe in here. Beverly, I truly admire you, and I think you are an amazing woman, but it seems like you're acting like the [bleep] here.
Beverly: How dare you?! Wow! The potty mouth on this one! Huh? That's who you wanna replace me with? Hm.
Well [bleep].

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Heyyy, there's my Mentas!
Bill Lewis: Mentas?
Beverly: Mentas. You know, men yentas who are friends also. I just coined it.
Murray: Well, un-coin it.

Quote from Bill Lewis

Beverly: Maybe we should have brunch. You boys look hungry.
Bill Lewis: Got it covered. Wing helmet.
Beverly: I think I'll pass.
Murray: More for us.
Beverly: So, this is your entire day, huh?
Bill Lewis: Sure.
Beverly: Sitting on your ass, eating helmet wings?
Bill Lewis: Sure.
Murray: That's what Bill wanted. It is his birthday and all.
Beverly: For God's sakes, it's his birthday? Did you at least get him a gift?
Bill Lewis: Of course he did. Wing helmet. Show her the wing helmet again, Mur. I don't think she got a close enough look. Wing helmet.

Quote from Murray

Murray: Hey, what's going on here? It's Sunday. Why aren't you out eating quiche with the ladies who walk in front of my TV? You know, the ones whose, uh, hair shadows I see in the dining room.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Wow. What's all this?
Virginia Kremp: Well, we were hoping you might like a little brunch.
Beverly: But you don't need me. And why would you? I haven't been there for you.And I know I always talk about my life, but it's just because I envy you all in so many ways. I just want to be as amazing as you are.
Essie Karp: No. You are amazing. Now, I don't know if you've heard, but you're writing a cookbook.
Linda Schwartz: Everybody's talking about it.
Beverly: Well, good. Because I'm gonna need those recipes you offered up. I'm gonna put them front and center.
Virginia Kremp: Really?
Beverly: Of course. I mean, yes, it's a Beverly Goldberg Cookbook, but who's Beverly Goldberg without her Frentas?

Quote from Barry

Barry: My belly's at full capacity. Oh, God.

Quote from Geoff

Erica: Gah Mom! We're trying to watch a movie!
Beverly: And what better movie snack than my triple-cream beef stew?
Geoff: Oh, God. Please no. I have a major lactose intoler- Ooh, that is rich in dairy.

Quote from Pops

Pops: Okay, kiddos. Stop with your beep-boops and your lady-reading. Your cousin is gonna be here any minute.

Quote from Adam

Erica: How exactly are we related to this schmo, again?
Pops: You know my mom's great-aunt Rose?
Erica: Who?
Adam: No.
Barry: Already bored.
Pops: Well, Rose's sister Esther married Schmooly, they had two sons, Freddie and Ivan, who each married twin sisters.
Erica: So, he's not so much our cousin as he is a total stranger.
Pops: Family is family. Even if they're from the Old Country.
Adam: We live in modern times now. How is a country still old? How?

Quote from Pops

Pops: That's exactly why I brought him to visit, so you can get to know him and ask him questions about life back in Russia.
Barry: Wait, he's Russian?! That means he's been bred since birth in a KGB lab to destroy our wonderful democracy.
Pops: Sit down. He's not a spy, Barry. He comes from a tiny village that barely has running water. The floor of his home is dirt, for God's sake.
Erica: How does he know when he's done sweeping?
Pops: He never is.

Quote from Pops

Pops: Look, I think meeting Groiseh Gleb is just what you kids need to get a little perspective.
Erica: Wait, what's his name?
Pops: Gleb.
Erica: Are you saying Glen?
Pops: No, Gleb.
Adam: As in actress Glenn Close?
Pops: Gleb!
Adam: So, not Glenn Close.
Pops: We've got three Glebs in the family, which is confusing, so that's why everyone calls him Groiseh Gleb.
Adam: What's "groiseh" mean?
Pops: Groiseh means "big and plump." Trust me, you're gonna love Big Gleb. Of the three Glebs, he's the funniest Gleb.

Quote from Erica

Pops: There he is. How ya been, Gleb?!
Gleb: Fine.
Pops: You just flew in from Kiev. Boy, your arms must be tired.
Gleb: Yes. My whole body's very tired.
Erica: You think this Gleb came instead of funny Gleb?

Quote from Pops

Gleb: Is okay?
Pops: You're family. Our plums are your plums.
Gleb: Mmm. So juicy. Nothing like this back home.
Pops: And to think, you kids just take that plum for granted.

Quote from Erica

Barry: How long's this dude gonna be here?
Pops: Two weeks.
Erica: There's only so many fruits we can introduce him to.
Pops: We live in the birthplace of America. Show the man around. I'm gonna go get him a banana. He'll go crazy.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Well, I have been very busy cooking and taste-testing, practicing my banter for the inevitable big city book signings.
Linda Schwartz: If you need any help with your book, I can slip you my chicken piccata recipe.
Virginia Kremp: I can help, too. Sometimes I think my peanut-butter blondies are the only thing my family respects about me.
Beverly: They are, and that's so generous, but this is it's a Beverly Goldberg cook.
Essie Karp: I swear to God, if you say the word "cookbook" one more time, I'm gonna stab myself with this tiny jam spreader!
Virginia Kremp: Me too! All you talk about is that gosh darn cookbook and how you're gonna be thick as thieves with Julia Child!
Beverly: All I'm saying is that sometimes you just know you're gonna be best friends with someone before you meet them, and that's obviously very threatening to the three of you.

Quote from Beverly

Lainey: It really is not! It's just that when we all get together, all you do is talk about cooking.
Essie Karp: Or the Bevolution.
Virginia Kremp: Or you trying to be a lawyer.
Beverly: Wow. I was not prepared for that tsunami of jealousy coming at me right now. I'm sorry the rest of you don't have anything exciting going on in your lives.
Linda Schwartz: You know what? I think you should go.
Beverly: Go? It's my house! You go! Oh, but before you go, which one of these would look better on the front of my cookbook?

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