Murray: Well, Bill's happy. What about the rest of you?
Erica: My life is garbage.
Barry: Lainey would throw stuff in the garbage. That was her thing when she had trash.

Adam: You sure about this guy? He seems a little bonkers.
Coach Mellor: Hey, every coach has his methods. Sometimes the crazier the better.
Coach Green: In my gym, we got two rules. Number one, we never give up!
Coach Mellor: We're on the same page.
Coach Green: Number two, aliens are real and they walk among us!
Coach Mellor: Different page.
Coach Green: Now I want to see some squats!
Coach Mellor: Back on track.
Coach Green: When the invasion happens, you will be probed. And trust me, you do not want to be probed. It is very unpleasant!
Coach Mellor: Okay, we're gonna keep on looking.

Erica: No, I do not like pina coladas! I hate them! I hate all frozen beverages!

Coach Mellor: Good news, class! After a pretty big false start, I finally found a perfect replacement for Coach Mellor! My brother! Coach Mellor!
Adam: Oh, balls.
Dan: What is that giant man doing here?! He coaches college football!
Coach Nick: Not anymore. After my mutual decision to be fired from Villanova, I decided to be a more caring and sensitive coach. I guess you could say I've Mellor'd out.
Coach Mellor: [laughs] Nice.

Adam: Gentle? Playful puns? I'm digging this guy.
Coach Nick: Look, I know you guys got the mile run you got to do, but I say, no more. In fact, if there's anybody that would prefer to be elsewhere, like computer lab or theater practice, just go. I believe people should follow their dreams. [whistle blows] Busted! Now I know who doesn't wanna be here!
Adam: Oh, no! It was a trap! And we were immediately exposed!
Coach Nick: The mile run is back on. Move!
Dave Kim: I'm sorry I fell! Don't eat me!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] We were doomed. I had to make sure original Coach Mellor never left us, and I wouldn't take no for an answer.
Coach Mellor: No.
Adam: Come on, man! I suddenly recognize you have value.
Coach Mellor: Just because me and Nick have different methods, doesn't mean his is wrong.
Adam: Sure it does!
Coach Mellor: The point is, we're both trying to teach you the same thing to be a winner, not a Rosie Ruiz.
Adam: A Rosie Who-now?
Coach Mellor: Okay, Goldfarb. One last lesson before I go.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] That lesson was about Rosie Ruiz, a world-class runner in the '80s, famous for winning the Boston Marathon by taking the subway.

Pops: She took the subway?
Adam: The subway! Everyone has a sports hero, and Rosie Ruiz is mine.
Pops: Controversial, but okay.
Adam: That's why during the mile run, I'll jump into your car, and you can drive me to the finish line?
Pops: Aww, kiddo. I can't help you.
Adam: 'Cause cheating is wrong?
Pops: No! Cheating's that rush that keeps me ticking. I can't help you 'cause I don't have a license.
Adam: You're really gonna let the state tell you you can't drive? The same state that says I have to run a mile?
Pops: But you can run a mile.
Adam: And you can drive a mile.
Pops: That I can. Screw the state, I'm in!

Police Officer: License and registration.
Murray: What?
Police Officer: Turn off the pina-colada song, sir!
Murray: What?!
Police Officer: Just get out of the car.
Murray: We're gonna get out of the car now because we can't hear you!
Police Officer: I'm giving you a ticket for riding in the breakdown lane.
Murray: Well, my family's having a breakdown. Doesn't that count for something?
Police Officer: It does not.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] My dad's plan to cheer up the family had backfired, and now he was sadder than anyone.
Murray: Stop looking at me! I'm fine.
Erica: In all fairness, it's hard to look away knowing you're all mushy inside and missing Lainey, too.
Barry: I thought you only get sad when the Eagles lose.
Murray: I do! Now drop it, okay?
Beverly: You want a huggy?
Murray: No!
Barry: How about laying on some warm laundry?
Murray: What am I, a cat? No.
Erica: Do you want my garlic bread?
Murray: No. Yes. But other than garlic bread, I'm fine! Let's just eat and feel nothing!

Erica: Do-do-do, do-do-do-do.
Murray: Ohh, no.
Barry: Do-do-do-do, do-do-do.
Murray: Don't! I just got it out of my head!
Beverly: If you like pina coladas
Murray: I really don't.
Erica & Barry: And getting caught in the rain
Murray: No one wants to be wet!
Beverly: If you're not into yoga
Murray: I'm not into any of this!
Erica & Barry: If you have half a brain
Murray: You have half a brain, morons!
Barry: If you love making love at midnight
Murray: Midnight? That's a whole new day.
Erica & Barry: In the dunes of the cape
Murray: I hate that we all know the words to this song.
Beverly: I'm the love that you've looked for
Erica & Barry: Write to me and escape
Murray: I like pina coladas.
Beverly: [straining] And?
Murray: And getting caught in the rain.
Beverly, Erica & Barry: I got to meet you by tomorrow noon
Murray: Aw, damn it, it's working!
Beverly, Erica & Barry: Through all this red tape
Murray: I feel happy. This is terrible.