Beverly: You're early. Well, I guess you're here to watch hockey with the fellas, huh? [quietly] Meet me downstairs in an hour, and we'll have some ice dance snuggles.
Barry: No need to whisper, Mother. I come bearing Pizza Hut pizza as a side dish to an equally tasty and satisfying announcement.
Bill Lewis: Hot damn! You know how to enter a room, son.
Vic: I'll take two slices, please, plus whatever nonsense this is gonna be.
Barry: As you indulge, know that I, Barry Goldberg, the epitome of all that is manly, love the graceful sport of ice dance.
Vic: So we get a pepperoni pie just for you to say the thing you like?

Bill Lewis: When Dolores' cousin made "an announcement," there was confusion and tears, and then a happy acceptance where we all moved him up to Greenwich Village. He now works at a bar called Fellas. Great cocktails, fun clientele.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] After coming clean about his love of ice dancing, my brother was free to enjoy his favorite sport with his favorite girl... and our mom.
Beverly: Hot stuff coming through, and also cocoa. See, I'm playful and not at all super miffed and confused.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, someone had gotten between their secret mother-son winter sport!
Beverly: All right!
Joanne: Thanks for the hot chocolate, Mrs. G.
Beverly: My pleasure, and don't feel bad that you showed up empty-handed like a rude, intrusive guest who doesn't know her place.

Joanne: Wait, is the guy Torvill or the lady Torvill?
Beverly: Um, hellooo, Torvill is the blonde fox in the glittering skirt. And Dean is the blonde stud in the sequined tuxedo. [laughs] I'm so embarrassed for you.
Barry: You're just learning.
Joanne: Ooh, I love how their outfits sparkle when they twirl.
Beverly: I think you mean "twizzle." [laughs] Did you hear that, Barry? She said "twirl" when she meant "twizzle."
Joanne: Is that not what it is?
Beverly: Oh, Joanne, you quirky rube who knows nothing and makes this experience so much worse.
Barry: It's fine. I didn't learn the terms the first time either.
Joanne: So is figure skating always duos? Is there ever something crazy like a trio?
Beverly: It is always two. Three is garbage in almost every situation in life, Joanne.

Geoff: I'm sorry, can I just ask, do you go around hiding smooches from me?
Erica: Of course not.
Geoff: 'Cause it feels like maybe I'm engaged to Morganna the Kissing Bandit.
Adam: Morganna the Kissing Bandit?
Geoff: She's this delightful, top-heavy woman who goes around from ballpark to ballpark stealing kisses from unsuspecting Major League ballplayers.
Erica: Funny that Morganna was so top of mind for you. I know that you're hot for Morganna, Geoff, and it really hurts me.
Geoff: I'm so sorry. She means nothing to me, and oh, my God, are you manipulating me to get the upper hand?
Erica: You see what I did there, Adam? These are the kinds of tools that you need to keep in your relationship toolbelt.

Barry: Are their costumes less shimmery than normal?
Joanne: I'm no psychologist, but I think you miss watching ice dancing with your mom.
Barry: Gross. No. And I'm furious at her for the way she treated you the other night.
Joanne: It's okay. She clearly was missing her special time with you, and honestly, I kinda get it.
Barry: You do?
Joanne: Yeah. You two have been sharing this one thing together every four years ever since you were just a jacked little boy.
Barry: I guess watching Torvill and Dean is the only thing my mom and I do just the two of us. Oh, I messed this up.
Joanne: So go make things right.
Barry: I know exactly what to do.
Joanne: Just go watch with her?
Barry: Not enough. My plan has to be beautiful and intricate, like a Torvill and Dean twizzle.

Woman: [on TV] Stay tuned for opening day of the ice dancing competition. Only on ABC!
Beverly: I need to, uh, go do some laundry downstairs... where I do laundry... downstairs. [exits]
Erica: Okay, well, set it to the "nobody cares" cycle.
Barry: I too need to abruptly leave. Just randomly going our separate ways. A commonplace everyday exit none of you should examine further. [exits]

Beverly: You know, I have always wished that you and I could take to the ice together. You know, the very first ever mother-son ice dancing duo.
Barry: Like Torvill and Dean?
Beverly: But Goldberg and Goldberg!
Barry: I love that you feel comfortable telling me this, but that will never, never, never, never, never, never...
Beverly: Catch Mama in a classic Lutz!
Barry: No, not ready!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And then we saw something that would alter the course of my life as I knew it.
All: Aah!
Adam: Oh, balls! I don't remember this!
Erica: That's definitely you kissing a girl that isn't your girlfriend.
Adam: That can't be right. Maybe it's for a scene?
Adam: [on video] That just happened! And it wasn't for a scene!

Adam: What am I gonna do?! This'll ruin everything!
Geoff: It's clear what the right thing to do is. You have to tell Brea.
Erica: Nothing! You tell Brea nothing.
Geoff: Wait, what?
Erica: You said it yourself, Adam. You don't even remember this.
Adam: I really don't.
Erica: If this tape didn't exist, none of us would even know about this. If it were the 1880s instead of the 1980s, you'd just be back at the homestead clearing brush.
Geoff: The tape does exist, and at no point in history would Adam ever be clearing anything. [Erica smashes the tape on the floor] Sweet angel of deceit!
Erica: Now Brea doesn't get hurt, you don't hurt. No hurt.
Geoff: So much hurt!
Adam: You've convinced me. What other choice do I have?
Geoff: A very obvious other choice!