Beverly: Okay, come here. I got to put my lips on your forehead and take your temperature.
Barry: I'm fine. Keep your lips off me.
Beverly: Come here, come here. Mwah! Oh, my God. You must be 102.3. You're with fever!
Barry: I'm not with fever. There's no science to putting lips on a forehead.
Beverly: Why do you think they call it a ther-mom-eter? Mom is in the name. 'Cause we invented it.
Murray: Yeah, none of that's real.

Ruben Amaro, Jr.: What's your name, bro?
Adam: Adam F. Goldberg. Got to use the middle initial cause there's another Adam Goldberg in school, and he's very mad about the whole same-name situation.

Adam: Honestly, the tape was only meant to be shared with my bros on the basketball team.
Barry: Those bros are my bros, not yours. From this point forward, I forbade you from liking anything I like.
Adam: Yeah, you can't do that.
Barry: Oh, I can. Starting now, stay away from the following Barry Goldberg trademark hobbies and interests: Globetrotters, karate, Bo staff, Air Jordans, competitive kiting, extreme BMXing, hot showers, conga lines, and diving into an icy river with a knife in your mouth. I own that move. I also claim Skittles and soda.
Adam: You can't claim an entire genre of beverage. That's madness!
Barry: And it's mine! I also own roller skating, eating chili, half and full nelsons, Chuck Norris, and boobs.
Adam: No! That's too far. You can't claim boobs. Everyone likes boobs.
Barry: Have fun sticking to your dumb hobbies like robots and glasses.
Adam: Glasses aren't a hobby. They're a corrective accessory to combat my wandering eyeball.
Barry: Exactly! You stay in your lame nerdy world, and I'll stay in my awesome one.

Adam: Okay, I get it. You're trying to take my things now.
Pops: Is that what's going on? I was wondering why Barry was insisting I hang out with him and give him sage advice.

Beverly: Murray, it's your 50th birthday. Your nifty-fifties. Yeah!
Murray: I don't see what's so nifty about me throwing out my back every time I blow my nose.
Beverly: It's a major milestone.
Murray: That's why I'll be sitting in that chair watching TV in my underpants.
Beverly: No. That's what you did for birthdays 19 through 49.

Beverly: Aunt Rose made your face out of ice cream.
Murray: Ooh! I'll have a slice of me.
Beverly: Well, you can't. Thanks to your little disappearing act, the whole thing melted. It's ice cream soup.
Murray: I'm a milkshake. Well, that's the dream.

Adam: All right, guys. The camera's rolling let's work on our tiny passes!
[Adam and his friends pass a basketball around in close range]
Pops: I'm not sure what I'm watching, but this is wonderful.

Barry: What are you dorks doing on my court/our driveway? Basketball is my sport, along with all the other sports. Get your own but you can't, 'cause they're all mine.

Naked Rob: One drop touches me and you're dead.
Dave Kim: Yes, Mr. Naked, sir.
Naked Rob: Now pour it on yourself. Do it.
Taz: Dear Lord!
Dave Kim: My beautiful hair!
Pops: Have some pride, Dave Kim.
Dave Kim: This is so demeaning.

Barry: Barry Goldberg's Globetrotting Suck Show?
Adam: In my defense, I only gave it to the jocks so I would look awesome and you would look dumb. You get it.
Barry: Well, the jocks gave it to the burners who gave it to the debate team who gave it to the bell choir. Those weirdos laughed at me. The bell choir, dude. They hold bells and go, bong. I'm lower than bell people now!