Barry: This better be good. I was watching Manimal, and he was a dolphin.
Beverly: Barry, we have reason to believe that Pop-Pop is in mental decline.
Barry: For sure. You know, the man actually tried to hug me. I was so confused I almost round-housed him.
Virginia Kremp: My GP could recommend someone.
Beverly: Barry, what do we do?
Barry: Everything I say. See, it is my duty as chief medical officer of this house to diagnose, treat, and cure, whether they want it or not... anyone who crosses our threshold.
Virginia Kremp: That's way wrong. And probably illegal, just...
Beverly: My perfect doctor boy is gonna fix everything.
Virginia Kremp: There is a world-renowned medical center like three miles from here, and you're both walking away.

Geoff: Your wild swings from terrible to vaguely kind have them convinced you're totally nuts.
Pop-Pop: What are you jabbering about?
Geoff: They think you're gonna need to be watched like a hawk for the rest of your life.
Pop-Pop: So, they're gonna move some German lady in with me to spoon-feed me applesauce and wash my bits?
Geoff: Not at all.
Pop-Pop: Damn cheapos. Won't spring for a sturdy nurse.
Geoff: It's all very surprising but turns out they actually want you here. You've got to come clean and tell them what you been up to.
Pop-Pop: Or I let 'em keep thinking I'm a walking thumb and I get it all.

Beverly: The truth? What's he talking about?
Pop-Pop: Alright, fine. I'm not crazy. I was just acting like that because... I don't want to go back to my apartment.
Barry: But you endlessly complain about this place. You call it a noisy craphole.
Pop-Pop: Yeah, well, I kinda like this noisy craphole.
Beverly: And the people in it?
Pop-Pop: A couple of you are okay.
Beverly: Why didn't you just say something?
Pop-Pop: I don't know.
Geoff: I do. He was afraid you didn't want him here. You know, 'cause you guys kinda celebrated when he was out the door.
Beverly: Well, then let's celebrate his return. Because pain in the ass or not, you're family and we love you.
Pop-Pop: I don't hear that a lot.
Beverly: Well, now that you're living here again, get used to it.

Geoff: Wasn't Erica amazing?
Barry: Totally, that's why we're here. To support her and for no other reason.
[Adam and Barry laugh as Erica walks out in her Daddy Warbucks costume, including a bald cap]
Erica: Geoff, I told you not to bring them here.
Adam: But your performance was so... hairless. [Barry chuckles]
Geoff: Fearless! He said fearless.
Barry: Yep, it was truly bald.
Geoff: Bold! He meant to say bold.
Barry: Like your silly head. [laughs]
Geoff: I really shouldn't have brought you here.
Barry: You blew it again, Geoff.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, my Pop-Pop wasn't exactly a ray of sunshine.
Pop-Pop: I'll call a moron a moron when he's a moron.
Adult Adam: And when he lived with us after his place had a small fire, his grouchy demeanor got even worse.
Pop-Pop: Hey, boys, turn down the TV. I can't hear the screechy neighbor gal shuffling the stupid tiles.
Beverly: Ben, shame on you. I will not allow you to insult my Mahjong tiles.
Virginia Kremp: Thanks, Bev.

Beverly: And Mahjong! Ha-ha. In your face, family and beloved friend. I am a gorgeous and humble winner.
Pop-Pop: Impossible. You had to be cheating. There's no other explanation.
Beverly: Why would you say such a thing?
Pop-Pop: 'Cause I was cheating.

Barry: Whoa. Domino's is hiring classier drivers.
Insurance Man: Oh, I have something much better to deliver than a pizza. Is Benjamin Goldberg here?
Pop-Pop: Who's asking?
Insurance Man: I'm from Dopplin Insurance. I'm happy to tell you your apartment has been fully repaired. And I have a check to cover your moving costs.
Pop-Pop: What kind of scam you running here, fella?
Insurance Man: No scam. [chuckles] I should say most people are typically happy when I show up with this news.
Pop-Pop: Don't tell me how to feel, sport coat.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was March 8th, 1980-something. Me and my girlfriend, Carmen, were getting serious, which meant the time had come to meet my family.
Carmen: I am so nervous.
Adam: Don't be. Just follow my carefully crafted instructions, and they'll love you as much as I... l... like you. With affection, I'm careful not to prematurely label.
Carmen: Do you really think that I need these notecards? I'm pretty good with new people.
Adam: For sure, but they're not.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Then came the final gauntlet, my famously hard-to-please mom.
Carmen: I hope you like it. I only used 14 cheeses and every meat available at the butcher.
Beverly: Hmm. I love how impossibly full I feel after just one bite! Mm! [hugs Carmen]
Adult Adam: Success. Carmen had done what few before her had dared to even try.
Adam: See? They all adore you. And now the final part of my plan... we leave before they change their crazy, fickle minds.
Carmen: But, wait, what about your sister?
Adam: You don't have to worry about her. Trust me, let's go now and leave the rest of these lunatics wanting more.

Erica: Guess who has two thumbs and ate all of her strained peas? [gasps] This gal!
Carmen: That is adorable. You must be Erica. I'm Carmen.
Erica: [coldly] Oh. Hello.
Carmen: Um, I was just heading out, but I wanted to say how super impressed I am by your ability to balance motherhood and applying to law school.
Erica: Right back 'atcha.
Carmen: That doesn't apply to me. I... T... Thank you. [chuckles nervously] Your skin is super dewy. I'm gonna go.