Dr. Bowman: You ready to hear what you're having?
Geoff: Yes, we are.
Erica: We're gonna pass.
Dr. Bowman: Okay.
Geoff: Um, hon?
Erica: Look, I-I know we wanted to find out the sex. But I don't want to find out the sex. So let's not find out the sex.
Geoff: But we've been discussing this for months.
Erica: Which is exactly why we're gonna hear it! Another time.
Geoff: Erica.
Erica: Okay, Bowman, go. Now stop!
Geoff: Oh, geez.
Erica: Boy or girl? Spill it! And you die!

Adam: Hey, Mr. Glascott, got a second?
Mr. Glascott: For a recent graduate who's off my books? Absolutely not. Shut the door behind you, and have a great life.
Adam: Please!
Mr. Glascott: Adam, I just spent the last hour at the Home Ec sewing machine altering my own pants so they could fit a third grader who wet himself. I need this cinnabon bad.
Adam: But I'm really worried about my mom. I need you to have a heartfelt one-on-one with her.
Mr. Glascott: Well, as you know, heartfelt one-on-ones are kinda my thing.
Adam: I know she's gonna be devastated when I go away to NYU, but she's putting on a brave face. Can you find out how she's really feeling?
Mr. Glascott: As an admired and esteemed guidance counselor, the best man is on the job. [stands up]
Adam: Odd. I've never seen your legs before.
Mr. Glascott: Well, we all have them. Some are just skinnier than others. And do not touch that cinnabon.

Mr. Glascott: Adam's gonna be gone soon. And I was wondering how you're feeling about living with nothing but the echoes of his footsteps.
Beverly: [sighs] Oh, I'll miss him, of course, but it's time, you know?
Mr. Glascott: It is. So, what if you fall down?
Beverly: Fall down?
Mr. Glascott: You're making sauce, it splatters, you slip and fall. Next thing you know, you're lying on your back, legs akimbo.
Beverly: I would never spill my sauce. [both chuckle] Unless it's on a bed of linguine with parmed shrimp.
Mr. Glascott: Sounds delicious. I'll be by later. But my point is, you're alone and helpless because Adam isn't there.
Beverly: Well, what about Barry? Or Geoff, or Erica? Or my father-in-law?
Mr. Glascott: They're at a movie.
Beverly: So? They'll be home soon.
Mr. Glascott: It's The Right Stuff. Running time is over three hours.
Beverly: I'll pull the phone down.
Mr. Glascott: It's dead.
Beverly: Why?
Mr. Glascott: You were overwhelmed with loneliness and forgot to pay the bill. Your world has gone dark. Tell me I'm wrong, Beverly.
Beverly: You are! I am ready for this! And when I am alone, I will tell myself, if my friend John can handle it, then so can I.
Mr. Glascott: Me?
Beverly: Yes! I mean, you're alone almost every day, and you manage. Sure, you've got that bird, but it's not a person.
Mr. Glascott: Well, she says stuff.
Beverly: She repeats stuff.
Mr. Glascott: Uh-huh. I got a lot to re-examine.
Beverly: Thank you for always thinking of me. It means so much.
Mr. Glascott: Whatever.

Linda Schwartz: If the kids decide that they don't want to know, we have to respect that.
Lou Schwartz: Is it what you and Erica want, Geoffy? Or just Erica? Because this has all the hallmarks of a classic Goldbergian flip-flop.
Linda Schwartz: What are you talking about?
Lou Schwartz: It's how they control us. Remember our last dinner there? Beverly said we'd be having chicken. Then what did she serve? Salmon! I had fish sticks for lunch. All that planning was out the window!

Lou Schwartz: Would you like to know the sex of your child?
Geoff: Uh, but Erica...
Lou Schwartz: Sure, she makes the big decisions for you. But if you're interested... [Geoff takes the jeweler's loupe] You see that tiny protrusion right there?
Geoff: Is that...
Lou Schwartz: He's a Schwartz man!
Linda Schwartz: Really?
Lou Schwartz: Yes!
Linda Schwartz: Ahh!
Lou Schwartz: [laughs] Son of my son. Made in the image of all the Schwartzes before him in all our limited glory!
Linda Schwartz: Oh, yes, that is a Schwartz man.
Geoff: I'm having a boy?
Lou Schwartz: The name lives on! [laughing, cheering] Now all you have to do is keep this secret from your wife for the next few months.

Adam: I'm deferring for a year.
Dave Kim: Dude, I chose NYU so we could go together. To share our adventure?
Adam: I talked to student housing, and you're gonna be sharing your adventure with Yuri Agapov. He's enrolled in the school's elder education foreign exchange program.
Dave Kim: My freshman-year roommate is some old Russian dude?
Adam: I'm sorry. But maybe you can distract yourself by coming up with ideas to tell my mom why I'm not going with you.
Sorry, I'm a little preoccupied thinking about how you ruined my life.
Pop-Pop: Lives get ruined, that's the way of the world. You eat the crap sandwich, you hope the next one's smaller. But it never works out that way.
Dave Kim: He is not like your other grandpa.

Barry: What are you doing with that chalkboard?
Adam: Just a little brainstorming sesh.
Barry: But I brought the JTP here for my brainstorming sesh.
Matt: Brainstorming? You told us you invented a new pizza.
Naked Rob: Yeah, barbecue ribs, fried rice, and taco. It seems like too many flavors, but now we'll never know.
Barry: JTP, shh!
All: JTP, shh!

Barry: I heard the Hasselhoff movie is hiring locals to run errands.
Andy: So why are we here?
Barry: I need you to give me tips to make me look like a pathetic loser that would fetch coffee for Hollywood people.
Naked Rob: Why would we know anything about being a loser?
Barry: No reason. Just tell me where you buy your clothes and how you live your lives, and I'll take it from there.
Matt: Super hurtful.
Naked Rob: Not cool.
Andy: Mostly Sears.

Adam: Barry gave me an idea, Dave Kim. Follow me to my car.
Dave Kim: What happens if I commit and then you just decide not to go to your car? Huh? Huh? [to the JTP] We can do better than these people.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, I was armed with a brilliant plan: Hassle the Hoff by sneaking into his trailer.
Adam: Hello? Mr. Hasselhoff? He's not here.
Dave Kim: Good. I'm rooting for you to fail. Although this is kinda cool. We're in the Hoff's inner sanctum.
Adam: To think, this is where he works on his craft and brushes his lustrous mane.
Dave Kim: Holy crap, his Knight Rider jacket.
Adam: Whoa.
Dave Kim: So rugged yet supple.
Adam: That's full grain, baby. Softer than my mother's nightgown.
Dave Kim: Softer than both of our mothers' nightgowns.