‘That's a Schwartz Man’
Season 10, Episode 2 - Aired September 28, 2022
Erica and Geoff agree that they won't learn the sex of their baby. Meanwhile, Adam is worried that Beverly isn't ready for him to leave for NYU.
Quote from Erica
Dr. Bowman: You ready to hear what you're having?
Geoff: Yes, we are.
Erica: We're gonna pass.
Dr. Bowman: Okay.
Geoff: Um, hon?
Erica: Look, I-I know we wanted to find out the sex. But I don't want to find out the sex. So let's not find out the sex.
Geoff: But we've been discussing this for months.
Erica: Which is exactly why we're gonna hear it! Another time.
Geoff: Erica.
Erica: Okay, Bowman, go. Now stop!
Geoff: Oh, geez.
Erica: Boy or girl? Spill it! And you die!
Quote from Mr. Glascott
Adam: Hey, Mr. Glascott, got a second?
Mr. Glascott: For a recent graduate who's off my books? Absolutely not. Shut the door behind you, and have a great life.
Adam: Please!
Mr. Glascott: Adam, I just spent the last hour at the Home Ec sewing machine altering my own pants so they could fit a third grader who wet himself. I need this cinnabon bad.
Adam: But I'm really worried about my mom. I need you to have a heartfelt one-on-one with her.
Mr. Glascott: Well, as you know, heartfelt one-on-ones are kinda my thing.
Adam: I know she's gonna be devastated when I go away to NYU, but she's putting on a brave face. Can you find out how she's really feeling?
Mr. Glascott: As an admired and esteemed guidance counselor, the best man is on the job. [stands up]
Adam: Odd. I've never seen your legs before.
Mr. Glascott: Well, we all have them. Some are just skinnier than others. And do not touch that cinnabon.
Quote from Mr. Glascott
Mr. Glascott: Adam's gonna be gone soon. And I was wondering how you're feeling about living with nothing but the echoes of his footsteps.
Beverly: [sighs] Oh, I'll miss him, of course, but it's time, you know?
Mr. Glascott: It is. So, what if you fall down?
Beverly: Fall down?
Mr. Glascott: You're making sauce, it splatters, you slip and fall. Next thing you know, you're lying on your back, legs akimbo.
Beverly: I would never spill my sauce. [both chuckle] Unless it's on a bed of linguine with parmed shrimp.
Mr. Glascott: Sounds delicious. I'll be by later. But my point is, you're alone and helpless because Adam isn't there.
Beverly: Well, what about Barry? Or Geoff, or Erica? Or my father-in-law?
Mr. Glascott: They're at a movie.
Beverly: So? They'll be home soon.
Mr. Glascott: It's The Right Stuff. Running time is over three hours.
Beverly: I'll pull the phone down.
Mr. Glascott: It's dead.
Beverly: Why?
Mr. Glascott: You were overwhelmed with loneliness and forgot to pay the bill. Your world has gone dark. Tell me I'm wrong, Beverly.
Beverly: You are! I am ready for this! And when I am alone, I will tell myself, if my friend John can handle it, then so can I.
Mr. Glascott: Me?
Beverly: Yes! I mean, you're alone almost every day, and you manage. Sure, you've got that bird, but it's not a person.
Mr. Glascott: Well, she says stuff.
Beverly: She repeats stuff.
Mr. Glascott: Uh-huh. I got a lot to re-examine.
Beverly: Thank you for always thinking of me. It means so much.
Mr. Glascott: Whatever.
Quote from Geoff
Linda Schwartz: If the kids decide that they don't want to know, we have to respect that.
Lou Schwartz: Is it what you and Erica want, Geoffy? Or just Erica? Because this has all the hallmarks of a classic Goldbergian flip-flop.
Linda Schwartz: What are you talking about?
Lou Schwartz: It's how they control us. Remember our last dinner there? Beverly said we'd be having chicken. Then what did she serve? Salmon! I had fish sticks for lunch. All that planning was out the window!
Quote from Geoff
Lou Schwartz: Would you like to know the sex of your child?
Geoff: Uh, but Erica...
Lou Schwartz: Sure, she makes the big decisions for you. But if you're interested... [Geoff takes the jeweler's loupe] You see that tiny protrusion right there?
Geoff: Is that...
Lou Schwartz: He's a Schwartz man!
Linda Schwartz: Really?
Lou Schwartz: Yes!
Linda Schwartz: Ahh!
Lou Schwartz: [laughs] Son of my son. Made in the image of all the Schwartzes before him in all our limited glory!
Linda Schwartz: Oh, yes, that is a Schwartz man.
Geoff: I'm having a boy?
Lou Schwartz: The name lives on! [laughing, cheering] Now all you have to do is keep this secret from your wife for the next few months.
Quote from Dave Kim
Adam: I'm deferring for a year.
Dave Kim: Dude, I chose NYU so we could go together. To share our adventure?
Adam: I talked to student housing, and you're gonna be sharing your adventure with Yuri Agapov. He's enrolled in the school's elder education foreign exchange program.
Dave Kim: My freshman-year roommate is some old Russian dude?
Adam: I'm sorry. But maybe you can distract yourself by coming up with ideas to tell my mom why I'm not going with you.
Sorry, I'm a little preoccupied thinking about how you ruined my life.
Pop-Pop: Lives get ruined, that's the way of the world. You eat the crap sandwich, you hope the next one's smaller. But it never works out that way.
Dave Kim: He is not like your other grandpa.
Quote from Barry
Barry: What are you doing with that chalkboard?
Adam: Just a little brainstorming sesh.
Barry: But I brought the JTP here for my brainstorming sesh.
Matt: Brainstorming? You told us you invented a new pizza.
Naked Rob: Yeah, barbecue ribs, fried rice, and taco. It seems like too many flavors, but now we'll never know.
Barry: JTP, shh!
All: JTP, shh!
Quote from Barry
Barry: I heard the Hasselhoff movie is hiring locals to run errands.
Andy: So why are we here?
Barry: I need you to give me tips to make me look like a pathetic loser that would fetch coffee for Hollywood people.
Naked Rob: Why would we know anything about being a loser?
Barry: No reason. Just tell me where you buy your clothes and how you live your lives, and I'll take it from there.
Matt: Super hurtful.
Naked Rob: Not cool.
Andy: Mostly Sears.
Quote from Dave Kim
Adam: Barry gave me an idea, Dave Kim. Follow me to my car.
Dave Kim: What happens if I commit and then you just decide not to go to your car? Huh? Huh? [to the JTP] We can do better than these people.
Quote from Dave Kim
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, I was armed with a brilliant plan: Hassle the Hoff by sneaking into his trailer.
Adam: Hello? Mr. Hasselhoff? He's not here.
Dave Kim: Good. I'm rooting for you to fail. Although this is kinda cool. We're in the Hoff's inner sanctum.
Adam: To think, this is where he works on his craft and brushes his lustrous mane.
Dave Kim: Holy crap, his Knight Rider jacket.
Adam: Whoa.
Dave Kim: So rugged yet supple.
Adam: That's full grain, baby. Softer than my mother's nightgown.
Dave Kim: Softer than both of our mothers' nightgowns.