Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so the JTP set out to brainstorm what makes a man.
Barry: A cowboy hat.
Matt: Uh, youthful optimism?
Barry: Leather pants and work gloves.
Matt: What about a bullwhip? And he puts out cigars with the bullwhip, and then he says cool things like, "Smoking kills, and so do I."
Barry: And a scar! But not from whipping. From making love on a cliff.
Matt: And a suede vest with lots of fringe.
Barry: And he smells like the woods.
Geoff: How do we film a smell?
Barry: We'll just cover you in pine cones and tree sap.

Geoff: So, tell me, how'd you do it? How did you win Mr. Ships Ahoy?
Pops: When it comes to wooing the ladies, some things never change.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] But actually, they do. A lot.
Pops: Wink at every dame in the room. When in doubt, goose the caboose. Tell them you've ridden in an airplane. Spoil them by buying them a nice pair of nylons.
Geoff: I think times and women's rights have changed a lot, and also, how do these ideas make me hotter?
Pops: It's not all about muscles. Anyone can lift a bag of nickels, but it takes a special kind of fella to cheer up a woman during wartime rationing.
Geoff: What do I do if there isn't a war going on?
Pops: Easy. What are you good at? I won my year with a dynamite banjo act.
Geoff: I'm okay at alto sax.
Pops: If that's the best you got, go with that.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, the economy was booming, Americans were heading into the office. No one was more into working 9:00 to 5:00 than my mom.
[Dolly Parton's 9 to 5 plays over a montage of Beverly waking up, getting ready for work and commuting]
Beverly: [sings along] ♪ Working 9 to 5, what a way to make a living ♪ Barely getting by, it's all taking and no giving ♪ They just use your mind, and they never give you credit ♪ It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it ♪
Principal Ball: What do you think you're doing?
Beverly: Oh, I'm just exercising my right as an American to complain about the rat race, the grind, the old 9:00 to 5:00. But secret story... I love it.
Principal Ball: But we're a school. We start at 8:00.
Beverly: But the Dolly Parton song...
Principal Ball: Look, no one loves the Smoky Mountain Songbird more than I do, but that Backwoods Barbie has no bearing on our hours.
Beverly: My coworkers/best buds will share a chuckle about our overbearing boss. [they both laugh] You're a joke.

Beverly: Mr. Glascott, you're usually chipper. What's got you down?
Mr. Glascott: Oh, I'm not down. I'm just having a contemplative moment about turning 55, the same age as the speed I won't exceed.
Beverly: It's your birthday? Well, how are we celebrating?
Mr. Woodburn: This yogurt I'm eating has his name on it.
Helen: Your parents did it in April. Nice.
Beverly: Come on. We've got to bake a cake, call a school assembly so the kids can sing to him. This man is your best friend.
Mr. Woodburn: Best friend? Where'd you get that horrible notion?
Beverly: Murphy Brown, Designing Women, Cheers, Mary Tyler Moore.
Mr. Glascott: Yeah, those are all fun, but that's a bunch of hooey.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was March 3rd, 1980-something, and my brother, Barry, was feeling frustrated with his college identity.
Barry: I still haven't found my thing here, and I've tried everything. Sports, campus radio, mock trial. Did you know that's not about making fun of people who were on trial?
Erica: What exactly are you looking for? I'm only asking so I don't accidentally join the same group.
Barry: I need something that helps me stand out. I was the king of our high school, but here I'm just another Geoff in the crowd.
Geoff: What a wildly hurtful thing to say out loud, but I think I found it.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While Barry and Geoff prepared for a win, my mom was at a loss about how to connect with her coworkers.
Beverly: I don't get it. I have tried everything to bond with these dopes. Cakes. Parms. Parmed cakes. Nothing works. And I'm pretty sure they're using bird calls to warn each other I'm coming.
Coach Nick: Ca-caw! Ca-caw! Bird noise alert!
Mr. Perott: Oh, hell no!
Beverly: And it's nothing like the workplaces on TV. Where are my instant friendship and hilarious misadventures?
Adam: Has it ever occurred to you that you've been terrifying these people on my behalf for a decade?
Beverly: Please. When have I ever terrified them?
[montage of Beverly harrassing the teachers]
Adam: I'm just saying, I think they need time to adjust. How about you just leave them alone?
Beverly: You're right. I should mix in more.
Adam: That's the opposite of what I said!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While my mom was making inroads, Barry was gonna help Geoff blaze a new trail of his own.
Barry: Good news, Geoff! I and the second-hottest member of the JTP are gonna help shoot your beauty pageant video.
Geoff: Bar, shouldn't you be working on your own video?
Barry: Done. I cut together the highlights from my American Gladiator audition.
Matt: They not-so-politely declined.
Barry: And then they were canceled. Coincidence?

Geoff: Why would you even help me? Aren't we competitors?
Barry: I'm gonna win by an embarrassing margin, but I can help you come in a distant second. So, what have you got so far?
Geoff: Guess I was just gonna talk about my interests, my hobbies, maybe throw out a coy wink.
Barry: Bor-ing! Women want danger and agility, like a man surprise-backflipping out of a bush.
Geoff: Being upside-down makes me throw up.
Barry: Let's start from scratch. Imagine Geoff is a naked, faceless mannequin.
Geoff: Please don't.
Barry: What would you put on that mannequin to make it a cool, rugged man?

Adult Adam: [v.o.] As Geoff was ignoring Erica's advice, I was learning my mom didn't take mine.
Adam: You invited the teachers to my house? Where I sleep?
Beverly: That's all because you told me to reach out to them.
Adam: I said to leave them alone!
Beverly: Then it's lucky I misheard you.
Adam: Mom, there are certain things you just don't do. Poop at school. Hold hands with your sister. And invite teachers to a civilian residence.

Jean Jacobs: Ladies, your Mr. Ships Ahoy finalists. [cheering and applause]
Geoff: You know what, Bar? I'm actually really excited about this thing. I-I think I could win this.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Until he saw the stone-cold hunks he'd be competing against.
Geoff: Oh, no. Their arms are bigger than my legs, and their legs have muscles on them I didn't even know existed.
Barry: That's an optical illusion, Geoff. Everyone looks bigger up close.