Geoff: Hey, um... historically speaking, do the winners look more like me or more like those tall beefcakes?
Jean Jacobs: Check out our wall of winners.
Geoff: Oh, man. They're all so smooth and beautiful. This was such a mistake. Wait... Albert Solomon?
Barry: Hey, that guy looks familiar.
Geoff: Barry, that's your grandfather, and he won Mr. Ships Ahoy with normal, human muscles.
Barry: All those boring stories about being trapped behind enemy lines, but nothing about this.

Beverly: Adam! Can you believe this? They want me to resign!
Adam: Welp, it was a good run.
Beverly: Wait, why are you not as grievously wounded as I am?
Adam: 'Cause they don't like you and they're taking it out on me! I had three pop quizzes today, and no one else in the class had to take them.
Beverly: Okay, this weekend was a rocky start, but I can still fix it.
Adam: No! Coach Nick made me varsity quarterback. I have a game on Friday, and no one can find a helmet small enough. And can't you just fire her? Sorry, Mom, but you get it.
Principal Ball: Unfortunately, I can't. Our Quaker founders, in their infinite wisdom, made the Warden answerable only to God.
Beverly: And until I hear Her complain, I'm not going anywhere. That's right. God is a woman.
Adam: Oh, you think that's the thing I'm focusing on? I have to learn something called the wishbone offense!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] The Mr. Ships Ahoy pageant was still under way, and it was time for the contestant interviews.
Barry: See, most people eat the ice cream first, but I bite the bottom of the cone and suck everything out.
Jean Jacobs: The question was, "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Barry: And I believe you have my answer.

Geoff: Erica, what are you doing?
Erica: I'm asking the questions. When is my birthday?
Geoff: August 18th. Why does that matter?
Erica: I'm showing them why you're the hottest guy in this contest. When's our anniversary?
Geoff: Hand-holding, kissing, dating, or saying "I love you"?
Erica: All four.
Geoff: November 4th, January 23rd, February 2nd, June 9th.
All: Aww!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And that's when Geoff realized he did have something the other contestants didn't.
Erica: What's your ideal date?
Geoff: Any date with you is ideal.
All: Aww!
Geoff: Who's the prettiest girl in the audience?
Erica: What audience?
All: [chant] Geoff!

Barry: Great news! I figured out why my talent of knife-throwing went sideways.
Geoff: 'Cause it's a tremendously difficult skill that requires a lifetime of patience, practice, and a throwing area far away from people and pets?
Barry: I just had the wrong tools. Whatever you do, don't move.
Geoff: Barry, listen to me very closely, do not throw that.
Barry: How about a hatchet?
Geoff: No!
Barry: Gardening fork?
Geoff: Barry!
Barry: Fishing lure?
Geoff: Please!
Barry: Dart?
Geoff: Barry!
Barry: Knitting needles?
Geoff: No!
Barry: Pineapple?
Geoff: No, no.
Barry: Sharpened pencil?
Geoff: Aah!
Barry: This icicle I found?
Geoff: No!
Barry: A shark tooth necklace?
Geoff: Barry!
Barry: Then what?
Geoff: Maybe this gentle Nerf ball? [Barry knocks over a picture with the Nerf ball] Ooh!
Barry: Let's go ninja stars.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Unfortunately, this wasn't a workplace big on chuckles.
Beverly: Good morning.
Mr. Woodburn: Good morning? I haven't even taken my jacket off yet and this one wants to argue with me. Who's ready to take on the day?
Helen: Not me. I am hung over.
Beverly: Are cafeteria staff allowed to be in the teachers' lounge?
Helen: I gotta do my stretches somewhere. Ow.
Beverly: And who are you? I don't recognize your face from yelling in it.
Andrea: I'm Miss Hooper, Andrea. It's my first year teaching, so I'm just quietly going with the flow.
Beverly: Do you have my Adam?
Andrea: No.
Beverly: Good. You're a child. You'll teach him nothing.

Mr. Glascott: Beverly, while I do appreciate your unwanted passion, we don't do that stuff around here.
Beverly: Coworkers are supposed to be close.
Mr. Glascott: Well, we like to keep it professional around here. Dang it! Someone ate my bagel!
Helen: Happy birthday!

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And "it" was a very specific sorority beauty competition.
Barry: Excuse me, attractive stranger, your sign's mistaken. That should say Miss Ships Ahoy. Pageants are for the gals.
Jean Jacobs: Not a mistake. This is my sorority's male beauty pageant. Every year, we crown a new Mr. Ships Ahoy based on our core values, integrity, decency, and hotness when wet.
Barry: I love Chips Ahoy! That's gotta matter. Tell the other contestants you have your champion.

Erica: Geoff, thank God you're not a pageant guy.
Geoff: hat does that mean?
Erica: You know, just cool, strong, "I'm in a pageant" guy.
Geoff: [meekly] I'm cool and strong.
Erica: Of course you are, just not in the traditional way, and I love that.
Geoff: Doesn't sound like you love that.
Erica: Barry, help me out here.
Barry: She's saying you're a six.
Erica: No, I'm saying you're a 10. To me.

Geoff: So you don't think I could win?
Erica: I don't think Barry could win either.
Barry: Can and will. You'll be eating those words when I'm glistening wet in my sash and man tiara.
Geoff: Unless I'm wearing that sash and tiara. And maybe some roses. I don't really know how it works. But I'm gonna compete, and I'm gonna win.
Barry: Second place. First is already spoken for. By moi.
Jean Jacobs: I had a very specific fantasy when I signed up to chair this event. This is not it.