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Horse Play

‘Horse Play’

Season 9, Episode 2 - Aired September 29, 2021

Adam is upset when he gets waitlisted at N.Y.U. Meanwhile, Erica fears Geoff's dad Lou will never warm to her.

Quote from Geoff

Erica: But more importantly, I didn't do it, so you can now see me as the wonderful addition to your family that I am and we can all move on.
Lou Schwartz: I wish I could, but Buddy Kaplan's my accountant.
Geoff: You know him?
Linda Schwartz: Know him? We trust him with our life savings.
Lou Schwartz: Not anymore! I'm firing him immediately!
Geoff: You can't fire Buddy! He was a child then, and now he's an adult with a child's name.


Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Careful, Schmoo, you're gonna damage your cheeseburger phone.
Adam: What's the point of a whimsical novelty item if the love of my life won't talk to me?
Beverly: I'm right here. Oh. Here, let me make everything better with a forever hug.

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Mr. Glascott: While our fingers are crossed for NYU, let's take a look at some of your back-ups. How do you feel about Tulane?
Beverly: Oh, New Orleans. Ah, the Big Easy. Po'boys with my boy. Mm.
Adam: What else you got?
Mr. Glascott: There's Northwestern.
Beverly: Ooh, Chicago, home of the Bears. Mama and baby.
Mr. Glascott: University of Miami?
Beverly: Well, if the rhythm doesn't get you, my nom-noms will.
Adam: Is there anywhere I can go next year where she can't follow me?
Mr. Glascott: Well, there is this all-male Jesuit school in northern Minnesota.
Adam: Set up the interview.

Quote from Adam

Murray: Damn it, Bevy, you gotta fix this!
Beverly: Don't worry. Just like I wrote in my NYU essay, I'm a glass-half-full gal who enjoys problem solving.
Adam: You better. I am so frickin' worked up right now! [attempts to tear envelope] [grunts] It's too thick. So many words of acceptance!

Quote from Geoff

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was September 29th, 1980-something, which was Geoff's dad's birthday. And Erica was a little nervous.
Erica: Are you sure he's gonna like it?
Geoff: How could he not? You found a way to combine his love of racehorses with his awareness of pillows.
Erica: It's just that now I'm officially gonna be a part of the family, I really need your dad to like me.
Geoff: Don't be silly, you silly silly.
Erica: That's way too many sillies, Geoff. That's always been your tell.
Geoff: So silly.

Quote from Geoff

Adult Adam: [v.o.] But over the years, Geoff's dad had hardly been Erica's number-one fan.
[flashback montage:]
Lou Schwartz: Why are you mowing my lawn? It's the middle of the winter!
Lou Schwartz: Who gives the gift of song when the gift of song has already been given?
Lou Schwartz: The only reason Geoff is in this mess is because of your terrible influence, and it stops now.
Geoff: Silly memories!

Quote from Erica

Erica: Happy birthday, Lou!
Lou Schwartz: Please, dear. It's Dr. Lou Schwartz.
Erica: Anyway, I made you this.
Lou Schwartz: Oh. A pillow with a horse on it.
Erica: That is Triple Crown winner Seattle Slew. That muscular thoroughbred took me 19 days to sew, [Lou throws the pillow] and he tossed it in the broom closet.
Geoff: That's where he tosses all his favorite gifts.

Quote from Barry

Barry: Louie! Erica's birthday airball is the perfect segue to my gift.
Lou Schwartz: This is very exciting!
Barry: This certificate entitles the bearer to one... [chuckles] of Horse against me, which I will dominate.
Joanne: To be arranged around Barry's schedule and mood.
Lou Schwartz: And Horse tracks with my love of horses.
Erica: Is that a Bomb Pop wrapper?
Barry: It doesn't matter what it's on, it's a sacred covenant between two men.
Erica: One of whom has a blue tongue.
Lou Schwartz: Hope you saved some room for my famous waffles.
Barry: [laughs] I did not, but that won't stop me. [both lauhg]

Quote from Geoff

Erica: Oh, God. What the hell was that?
Geoff: Hey, who else heard "waffles," the pancake's geometric cousin?
Erica: Stop. He hated my gift.
Barry: Obviously. A horse pillow? After what you did?
Erica: What did I do? Geoff?
Geoff: Oh, come on. You know. It was high school. My parents were out of town. Joanne threw that party, and you took my dad's two prized porcelain Clydesdales and...
Barry: Posed them like they were doing it.
Erica: What? No, I didn't.
Barry: Oh, why are you denying it? Okay, it was the one moment in our lives I actually respected you.
Erica: That's why your dad's been cold to me all these years? Because of some little horsy hanky-panky?
Geoff: Not just that. Turned out when he separated the delicate figurines, Champ had broken his hind leg.
Erica: Champ?
Geoff: Champ and Dottie. They're actually brother and sister. Anyway, he was able to glue it back on, but you could still see the tiny fracture, or at least my dad could.

Quote from Mr. Glascott

Beverly: Adam was wait listed at NYU.
Adam: And here's another headline, she got in.
Mr. Glascott: But you're his mother.
Adam: She got the big envelope and everything.
Mr. Glascott: All my ears and whiskers! The big envelope? That's the real deal.
Beverly: Well, it's nice to be wanted, but we're hoping, as his guidance counselor, you can arrange for him to take my spot.
Mr. Glascott: What a fun and outlandish solution. [laughs] Unfortunately, the world doesn't work that way at all.
Beverly: Brea's gonna have to give you her spot. Now, do you want to talk to her, or is that a Mama-do?
Mr. Glascott: Not that, either.

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