Adam: Mr. G, NYU is my dream school. I'll do anything.
Mr. Glascott: I get it, but the admissions people need to get it, too.
Beverly: Fine. Adam, we're gonna get you into college, but first, go make a pishy. It's gonna be a long drive.
Mr. Glascott: You both can't go.
Beverly: You're right. Schmoo, wait for me at home. No stove or scissors till I get back.
Mr. Glascott: Please listen. It has to be Adam and Adam alone. The admissions people need to see that he can advocate for himself.
Beverly: Or I call them and tell them how good he is at advocating for himself.
Adam: There you go, Mama. No wonder you got in.
Mr. Glascott: Adam needs to do this on his own.
Beverly: But with his mama.
Mr. Glascott: No.
Adam: Looks like it's time for this guy to step up. But first, she was right about that pishy.

Adam: Excuse me, Dean Martin? I'm wait listed applicant Adam F. Goldberg. I have an appointment.
Dean Martin: Ah, yes. Mr. Goldberg. Here we are. We'll let you know.
Adam: That's quicker than I expected.
Dean Martin: Well, there's not really a lot to say. It's just a process that needs to play itself out.
Adam: But you got to let me in. I'm totally NYU Film School material. Perhaps you missed my killer essay?
Dean Martin: Was it about the first time you held a video camera and you knew what you wanted to do with your life?
Adam: Wow. I guess it really stood out.
Dean Martin: It didn't.
Adam: But I took the bus here. The guy next to me had a snake. It wasn't a pet. I think he just found it.
Dean Martin: Mr. Goldberg, the students are admitted for a reason. I'm talking about unique life stories, personal achievements, overcoming obstacles.
Adam: Did you not hear my harrowing snake bus tale?

Dean Martin: I assume you're from an upper-middle-class, suburban family?
Adam: Well, I wouldn't say upper. Both our houses, regular and beach, are fairly modest.
Dean Martin: We are looking for people who have thrived despite real obstacles.
Adam: I got a crazy amount of those. I just need a little time to narrow them down. But I'll be back.
Dean Martin: Or you'll patiently wait for our response.
Adam: Ha! I just got roasted by Dean Martin.

Dave Kim: What about that time you were homesick at space camp?
Adam: Really, Dave Kim? You think my biggest challenge was high-fiving American hero John Glenn?
Brea: Is anybody seeing an alarming trend? Video games, space camp. Adam's kind of a nerd.
Beverly: Brea Bee, I will run over your bike.
Adam: Wait, she's right. I am a nerd!
Dave Kim: No offense, man, but you don't have the grades to be a nerd.
Adam: Better! I'm an underachieving nerd.
Beverly: Yes! My baby will overcome the sheltered privilege I provided!

Lou Schwartz: Don't be stupid, son. Sure, he's got four foster kids, but I'm not employing someone who'd make my ponies perform acts against their gentle nature.
Barry: Who knew the fate of so many lives could be affected by those little porcelain dolls?
Joanne: I know, right? A butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, and now Buddy Kaplan has to send his foster kids back into the system.
Erica: It wasn't Buddy Kaplan. The person who did it was...
Joanne: Randy Sperling.
Linda Schwartz: Our lawyer? He and Buddy set up our trust!
Geoff: Why are you guys insistent on hiring so many young people?
Linda Schwartz: I am a sucker for a young man in Haggar slacks.
Lou Schwartz: It is a handsome pant. But now we have to let the whole team go.

Joanne: Fine. I'll tell you who really did it, but your heart's gonna be shattered into a million pieces.
Geoff: It was me!
Lou Schwartz: Geoffrey? The able bearer of the Schwartz name?
Geoff: That's right. I'm a nasty boy, and I like nasty horse business.
Lou Schwartz: Then show me, Geoffrey. Show me exactly how the horses were posed.
Geoff: Well, they were... They were face to face. [Joanne shakes her head] And then their giant horse lips met, and it was a magical, consensual evening.
Lou Schwartz: Not even close. It was a tangle of equine anatomy from muzzle to hindquarters.

Adam: I figured out what I've overcome.
Dean Martin: The need to knock when you don't have an appointment?
Adam: Zing, Deano. Actually, I'm here to prove to you that I've endured the greatest adversity in modern society. Nerdiness.
Dean Martin: I see. And who is this with you?
Adam: This lovely lady is my girlfriend and incoming NYU freshman Brea Bee. She's here for moral and easel support.
Dean Martin: So you're socially challenged, but somehow managed to land this gorgeous woman?
Adam: Please, she may be a New York 10, but she's a Jenkintown 5.
Brea: Adam!
Adam: Sorry! But the stakes are high! You know you're a fox. Let me have a little sunshine.

Dean Martin: So you think NYU should let you in because you like Star Wars?
Adam: More like love. [beeping] That's R2-D2. Brea, you're on.
Brea: Nerd alert! Nerd alert!
Dean Martin: You do realize that Star Wars is the most popular movie franchise of all time, right?
Adam: But I, like, really like it.
Dean Martin: You also threw "video games" up there. Isn't that something every teenage boy enjoys?
Adam: But I, like, really like them.
Dean Martin: You also wrote "glasses," something I wear. Are you saying that I'm a nerd?
Adam: Gah! Why is this impossible? I mean, she got in.
Brea: Adam!
Adam: You know what I mean.
Brea: [scoffs] No, I don't, actually. I have better grades, test scores, and extracurriculars.
Dean Martin: Not to mention a better essay.
Adam: That thing about divorce? Boo-hoo, you have two Christmases.
Brea: You know what? Find someone else to hold your easel.
Adam: The easel stands on its own. I needed you to flip the pictures! [Brea exits] So did I do it? Am I in?

Adam: For one second, can you stop thinking about how this affects you? It's my dream to go to NYU with Brea. Now I don't have either.
Beverly: I'm sorry. I get it. Let's figure this out.
Adam: Well, there's always the classic big, romantic gesture.
Beverly: That's brilliant. That fuss-bottom dean will love that.
Adam: I meant for Brea.
Beverly: But why not use your seductive boy powers to charm your way into NYU?
Adam: That's not an altogether terrible idea. I have charmed my way into the heart of many ladies who are way out of my league. Why not an academic institution?
Beverly: And the moment you knock that dean sideways with your song and dance razzle dazzle, she'll let you in, and Brea will be right behind you.
Adam: Well, that's impossibly optimistic, but I got nothing else.
Beverly: Yay! Ha-ha! Mama solved it. Your forever hug is now forever kisses.
Adam: Aw, no. [Beverly smooching] The ones by my ears are so loud.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Having fallen further down NYU's wait list, it was time to take a big swing.
Adam: Here we go.
Dean Martin: Oh, no.
Adam: It's not another pathetic attempt to beg my way in.
Dean Martin: Then what is it?
Adam: It's this. [Foreigner's "Waiting For a Girl Like You" plays]
Dean Martin: Are you serenading me?
Adam: Just let me and my pals in the soft rock supergroup Foreigner explain everything. [sings off-key]# I've been waiting # For NYU # To come into # [music stops]
Dean Martin: And that's enough.
Adam: Because you're swayed by my passionate musical appeal?
Dean Martin: I'm gonna give it to you straight. I can't date an applicant.
Adam: What? No. No, no, no, no. This romantic gesture isn't a romantic gesture.
Dean Martin: Am I flattered? Yes. I mean, maybe even a little curious.
Adam: Oh, don't be. [buttons shirt]
Dean Martin: You know, I work late. I live alone. I mean, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes long for another's touch.