Erica: So, how's the dating life?
Beverly: Oh, so good. Joe and I are so connected. [chuckles] [sits down; groans] Oh, my God, the pain! Hiking sucks. [bleep] [grunts] [sighs] We might be soul mates.
Erica: Adam, you want to help me with this?
Adam: I'm a "slow down to watch the car crash" kind of guy. I like where this is headed.
Beverly: There will be no crash, Schmoo, because I have a plan.
Erica: Hmm. This should be good.
Beverly: See, after I fell down the mountain, we cut our hike short. So all I need to do is repeatedly fall down on purpose for the next few years, until he gives up being a boring person with boring hobbies and a boring face.
Erica: Well, your relationship certainly sounds healthy, and it's totally gonna work out.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] So my mom had us pretend we were something we weren't. And somehow, we were getting away with it.
Beverly: Joe, this kelp casserole was divine. [chuckles] What is your secret?
Mr. Perott: The secret is no salt or spices. Just kelp baked in its own juices.
Beverly: Huh.
Geoff: Very kelp-y.
Erica: You can really taste the ocean.
Adam: The no salt is really coming through.

Mr. Perott: Hey, Bev, can I ask you a question?
Beverly: Sure, Joe. What is it?
Mr. Perott: Why do you have a TV in the bathtub?
Beverly: It's our neighbors'. Uh, we wash it for them.
Mr. Perott: Also, when I hung my jacket in the closet, I noticed a spiral ham in a rain boot.
Beverly: Huh.
Mr. Perott: And, lastly, on the floor under the table, it's covered with kelp casserole. Am I to assume that no one ate it?
Adam: In our defense... Ugh.

Beverly: I may have exaggerated a bit about, you know, who I am as a person.
Mr. Perott: [chuckles] But why?
Beverly: I just wanted this to go well.
Mr. Perott: Bev, I like you for you, I promise. So going forward, you know, just be yourself. Okay?
Beverly: Okay. Thanks, Joe.
Mr. Perott: Now I should go. I'm already late for my origami class. See you soon. [exits]
Beverly: Aw. [chuckles]
Erica: See, you did all that lying for nothing.
Beverly: Mmm-hmm. Quick question. How do you break up with someone?

Virginia Kremp: Hi, Barry. Where's Charles?
Barry: Delaware. Now, pull up a stool, and let's open up to each other about things we fear.
Virginia Kremp: Delaware?
Barry: Yeah, I sent him out for a delivery.
Virginia Kremp: What?
Barry: Now, no one else knows this, but I am terrified of being too successful. [Virginia sighs] Will my future fame and riches intimidate my very average friends?
Virginia Kremp: Barry, I'm sorry. You're fired.
Barry: What?
Virginia Kremp: I'll need your pruning shears and bouquet tape.
Barry: But...
Virginia Kremp: This is just the way it has to be. [takes shears] Why is this so sticky?
Barry: I spilled three separate Slurpees.

Pop-Pop: If you don't want to hurt his feelings, just lie to the guy.
Erica: She's done enough lying.
Pop-Pop: Exactly. So would one more hurt?
Beverly: Ben, share your wisdom.
Pop-Pop: I once dated a girl in the Army. I told her my heart couldn't take it if she was called to war, so I had no choice but to end it.
Beverly: That is brilliant.
Pop-Pop: But in this case, it backfired. She wasn't in the U.S. Army. She was in the Salvation Army.
Erica: Great advice, Pop-Pop.
Pop-Pop: Anyway, we got married, we had Murray and some other kid, and 10 years later, she left me.
Beverly: Thank you, Ben. I know just what I need to do.

Beverly: My faith is very important to me. So, since we have different religions, different cultures... we have to end it. I'm sorry.
Mr. Perott: Beverly, I'm a member of the tribe, too. Shalom!
Beverly: Hebrew-what-now?
Mr. Perott: I observe all the high holy days. I go to temple regularly. I play racquetball with my cantor.
Beverly: Right. Which is what I don't do.
Mr. Perott: What?
Beverly: See, it's very important for me to celebrate my faith in a very low-grade, noncommittal-type way.
Mr. Perott: Hold on a second.
Beverly: I come from a long line of extremely breezy, unserious people.
Mr. Perott: Okay. You obviously don't want to date me, but you're afraid to just say it. [Beverly sighs] Huh?
Beverly: Fine. I don't think this is gonna work out. I'm sorry, Joe.
Mr. Perott: [sighs] Me, too. I'll see you around, Bev.

Joanne: Anyway, we just wanted to show you how much we appreciate the kinder, gentler Barry, so we got you... a new hockey stick!
Barry: Wow, guys. This is amazing.
Joanne: Mmm-hmm.
Barry: You know what I'm gonna do with it?
Joanne: I'd say play hockey, but you never seem to do that.
Barry: I'm gonna slap-shot that cocky pigeon.
Adam: Oh, no! He's regressing!
Joanne: Barry, where's your special flower? Fondle it the way Mrs. Kremp taught you. [Bbarry grunting]
Adam: I'm just catching up to the fact that Mrs. Kremp asked you to fondle something. But, yeah, do that.

Joanne: What is going on?
Barry: She fired me. I screwed that up the way I screw up everything. After all Ginzerale did for me.
Adam: Ginzerale?
Joanne: Barry, it's okay. Remember when she told you to apologize to me and be honest? That worked out, didn't it?
Barry: You think she'd really forgive me?
Joanne: I'm sure of it.
Barry: I think I know just how I'm gonna say sorry.
Adam: And I think I'm never coming back here.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While Barry knew how to fix things with Ginzy, Erica knew the only way my mom would feel better was to fix her up.
Beverly: What's all this?
Erica: Just a stack of eligible bachelors interested in meeting you.
Geoff: You're not the only matchmaking yenta in Jenkintown. Your daughter's pretty good at it, too.
Erica: Well, it's easy when the product is such high quality.
Beverly: I don't know what to say.
Erica: Just promise me that you'll always be yourself and that you'll never settle. You're too good for that. Waiting is always worth it.