Erica: Okay, here's how this year's gonna work. During school hours, you will not walk, talk, or breathe anywhere near us.
Adam: Well, what if I need you guys?
Barry: You definitely will, but we won't be there.
Erica: Thing is, I'm a senior now, so my focus will be on being super popular and making terrible mistakes that will greatly affect my future.

Barry: And as one of the school's top jocks, I'll be knocking the books out of your hands.
Adam: You're not the school's top anything! This is madness!
Barry: Is it? This year, I'm joining the varsity wrestling, basketball, and cross-country.
Adam: Cross-country?
Barry: Since when can you run far or fast? Oh, I run. I run plenty.

Beverly: What do you think? How does Professor Goldberg look?
Adam: Mom, you're not a professor.
Beverly: Well, then why do have a PhD in nose boops? Boop, boop, boop! Ha! See you in the halls, delicious pupils.

Beverly: So, where do you need me, boss?
Principal Ball: Thing is, it is the first day of school and all of my teachers are here and healthy.
So, I will give you a call as soon as... never.
Beverly: I get the sense you don't want me here, Earl.
Principal Ball: Oh, good! Thanks for reading all the obvious social cues.
Beverly: You're not seeing the big picture, boss. You're gonna need me one day, and you know where I'll be?
Principal Ball: Please don't say here.
Beverly: Here. Waiting. Like a panther. A panther who teaches.
Principal Ball: Please don't wait like a teaching panther.
Beverly: Oh, I'll wait but good 'cause you never know when one of your teachers might get sick or have a nasty accident.
Principal Ball: Please don't hurt anybody.
Beverly: See you soon.

Erica: Crap. Here they come. Close the door. Close the metal door. I Slam it in my face. I can take it. Please tell me they're gone.

Barry: Wait up! I love nerds! Just I'll punch someone else. Just tell me who to punch.

Beverly: If you don't sit at this table, then I have failed as a mother and an educator.
Erica: You are not an educator! You are just a crazy lady in a worm sweater!
Beverly: Okay, you are walking on very dangerous ground right now. This worm is the only child I have left.
Adam: No one wants your sweater, and no one wants you!

Principal Ball: Also, you're fired from the job you never had.
Beverly: Is it because I screamed out a bad word in the cafeteria?
Principal Ball: Sort of a grab bag of things.
Beverly: Ah [bleep].

Beverly: Well, this family means so much more to me. Also, nobody from the school wants me there.
Murray: That's not true.
Beverly: Principal Ball literally said, "I don't want you here."
Murray: Well, that could mean anything.
Beverly: And the kids say I ruined their lives.
Murray: They ruined ours, too. It's the circle of life.
Beverly: And the teachers hate my guts.
Murray: Well, there's history there.
Beverly: And I got fired.
Murray: Well, they clearly don't want you there, so that makes sense.
Pops: You're not good at this.

Murray: We need to talk.
Principal Ball: Oh, good. First week wouldn't seem complete without uncomfortable quality time with every Goldberg.
Murray: You need to let Beverly be a teacher again.
Principal Ball: The thing is, she never was a teacher, and she won't be as long as I'm in charge.
Murray: I think you're looking at this the wrong way. If Beverly works for you, she no longer comes here as a mother. She's an employee. Who's the boss of all the employees?
Principal Ball: I am.
Murray: That means she'd no longer be your worst nightmare. She'd be the worst nightmare of anyone you want her to be.
Principal Ball: That's a scary amount of power.
Murray: I think you unleash the power. You give me the word, and Beverly will be here.
Principal Ball: Get on the horn and make it happen. I am taking my Saturdays back. The harpsichord in our living room has been silent for too long. Hot dog!