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40Quotes from ‘Fiddler’

The Goldbergs: Fiddler

606. Fiddler

Aired October 31, 2018

When the school stages a production of Fiddler on the Roof, for once Adam is not interested in a starring role, but Murray is determined he should get the role of Tevye. Meanwhile, Beverly insists she won't stand in Erica's way when her daughter announces her intention to move to California with Geoff.

Quote from Dave Kim

Dave Kim: Dude, I got Lazar Wolf, the handsome town stud. That's typecasting Dave Kim likes.

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Quote from Erica

Erica: [singing] It's for your bottom, but it's the tops Find happiness in just a glop From Dr. Steinman to every shop The one butt grease that never stops
Beverly: Wow. That is shockingly good.
Geoff: It's already stuck in my head and driving me nuts. You're a genius.
Erica: And that's not all! [singing] Pour it cold or drink it warm It's like seafood in liquid form It's Barnaby's, the juice of the sea
Beverly: Wow. You really worked hard on these.
Geoff: Okay, there's gonna be lines out the door to drink that salty fish juice.
Erica: And this next one is dedicated to you.
Beverly: Oh, that's not necessary.
Erica: No, it is. You talked to Marci and made all this happen for me. You have changed, and I love you.
Beverly: Just focus on the song.
Erica: [singing] You gotta remember, 'nog ain't just for December You can 'nog all summer afternoon.

Quote from Adam

Miss Cinoman: People, the moment has arrived. My dearest theater students and kids who do stage crew for some reason...
Dan: I work best in the shadows.
Miss Cinoman: No one cares, Dan. This year, William Penn Academy will be performing the most important musical of our time "Fiddler on the Roof"! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Dan: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Adam: Meh.
Jackie: "Meh"? Since when does Adam Goldberg "meh" a musical?
Adam: Fiddler's just so heavy and dreary and Russian. I'm more into the happy toe-tapping musicals, like "Music Man" or "Pippin" or not "Fiddler."

Quote from Murray

Jackie: So, you're not gonna even audition? I wanted us to be Golde and Tevye. They're the power couple of peasant Russia. Like Luke and Laura, but sadder.
Adam: Sorry, girl. As long as it's "Fiddler on the Roof," I ain't doing it.
[cut to:]
Murray: You're doing it.
Adam: But you hate all musicals with every fiber of your being.
Murray: Of course! They're long and boring, and they're about cats or painting wagons. But "Fiddler on the Roof"? The best.
Adam: Well, it reminds me of Pops' sad relatives who visit us from the old country. Their clothes are all schmutzy and smell like turnips.
Murray: Adam, you have to do this play. Our people have a few special things we're all proud of Sandy Koufax, The Fonz, Sammy Davis Jr., and "Fiddler on the Roof."

Quote from Erica

Erica: Wow. That's, like, a super good score. Is it wrong? It must be wrong. I mean, how is that possible?
Geoff: Well, I mean, I get straight As and I study all the time. Wait, did you not know I was smart?
Erica: No! I mean, I do hear you talk about homework a lot, but all I see is your cute, dumb face.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: 1,540. Holy [bleep]!
Erica: I can't believe this. That stupid goof-ass genius is gonna leave Philly and never look back.
Beverly: Oh, well, can you blame him? Everybody in LA eats sushi and has hair just like their dog, and the cops are so nice they can't solve crimes, so Axel Foley helps 'em.
Erica: That's all from "Beverly Hills Cop."
Beverly: Oh, such a good movie. It has my name and that Axel Foley has an infectious giggle. [imitates Axel laughing]
Erica: Stop talking about Axel Foley!

Quote from Beverly

Erica: I will not let Geoff go to LA.
Beverly: Oh, squishy some things are just out of your control.
Erica: Not if I make sure he tanks those SATs.
Beverly: Shame on you for even thinking such a thing. If it's one rule I live by, it's that you can't smother your loved ones.
Erica: Um, hello? Remember, I wanted to apply to college in California? You tried to sabotage my SATs by teaching me fake vocabulary words.
Beverly: I swear on my life nothing like that has even remotely happened.

Quote from Murray

Adam: I'm the constable. Six lines, no songs, done by intermission. Dream role.
Murray: [entering] Move. Move your tiny bodies. Let's go. Hey!
Adam: Dad? What are you doing here?
Murray: Today's our big day! I wanted to see our name at the top of the roster.
Adam: It's more near the bottom, but it's still a very meaty part. The constable.
Murray: What? We wanted Tevye or nothing.
Adam: Well, Matt Schernecke got it.
Murray: That scrub is Tevye? He's got a warbly voice and no stage presence.
Matt Schernecke: What's that?
Murray: Mazel Tov, kid.
Adam: Way to go, Matt.
Matt Schernecke: Oh, okay.

Quote from Erica

Geoff: "Torkulent"?
Erica: It means delighted and a little scared.
Geoff: "Flimjam"?
Erica: To run backwards in a zig-zag pattern.
Geoff: Man, I didn't know any of these SAT words. I'm so lucky I have you.
Erica: You really are. I'm a great person.

Quote from Geoff

Beverly: I'm sorry, Geoffrey. As a yenta, I have to tell you, she is trying to keep you from going to UCLA.
Geoff: C'mon, Erica would never do that.
Erica: Who you gonna believe? Your adoring girlfriend or this needy blond-helmeted guilt monster?
Geoff: You, obviously. Our love is built on an unbreakable trust that I cherish more than-
Erica: Damn it, it's me! I'm a terrible person, and you should just flimjam away from me as fast as you can.
Geoff: Oh, my God. My girlfriend would actually tank my future just to be with me? You love me so much, and I love you, too!
Beverly: Did not see that coming.

Quote from Murray

Miss Cinoman: Mr. Goldberg, if you're gonna watch rehearsal, you have to respect my stage.
Murray: Sure. It's your team. Manage it.
Miss Cinoman: All right. Take it from the top, Matthew, all right? Be Tevye. Feel the burden of the humble dairyman with five handsome daughters.
Murray: Bah!
Miss Cinoman: Mr. Goldberg! I'm sorry. I don't buy this kid having five daughters. Do you?
Miss Cinoman: Yes. I buy it enough. C'mon, the kid's a tomato can. Can't hit the broad side of his mark.
Matt Schernecke: This adult man is hurting my feelings.
Murray: Sack up, Schernecke. You gotta have thick skin if you want to make it in the big show.

Quote from Murray

Miss Cinoman: Adam, is your dad gonna be here the whole time?
Adam: I don't know, man. He took the week off work. The whole thing's been off the rails from the start.
Murray: I just want my kid to have a shot at the bigs.
Miss Cinoman: Fine. If you pipe down, I'll make him the understudy for Tevye. Does that work for you?
Adam: So that means I'll have no lines and get to just hang in the wings? 'Cause yeah, that super works.
Murray: Whoo! It's on now! You better watch your back, fake Tevye. 'Cause we're comin' for ya.
Adam: Dad, stop making veiled threats to Matt Schernecke.
Matt Schernecke: They're kind of not veiled at all.
Adam: I'm so sorry.

Quote from Pops

Erica: Hello and welcome, product lovers of all ages. Prepare to be delighted by my delightful jingle medley.
Pops: I'm already delighted, but I'm prepared for more.
Erica: [singing] The best part of waking up is Folgers in your- Plop-plop, fizz-fizz, oh, what a relief- Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah. Gimme a break, gimme a break- What would you do-oo-ooh for- An Oscar Mayer wiener- By Mennen! Mommy, wow, I'm a big kid- Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
Pops: Wow! I don't know what half of those are selling, but I'm buying.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Got some bad news from cousin Marci last night.
Pops: Just out of the blue like that? You haven't talked in 15 years.
Beverly: Yeah, well, I've been missing her. And it's a good thing I called, too, because she told me that, for legal reasons, she can't listen to jingles from existing products.
Erica: But I worked so hard on these. I was gonna mail her a tape.
Beverly: No! No, you can't. It has to do with, uh, torts and briefs and subpoenas. I could've been a lawyer, so it made sense to me.

Quote from Beverly

Beverly: Good news she told me about some, uh new products that have yet to be jingled.
Erica: Name it, and I'll sing it. Hit me.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Even though my mom swore she changed, in the end, she couldn't help but lie.
Beverly: Dr. Steinman's Butt Grease.
Pops: I'm very curious about this product.
Beverly: Dr. Steinman's a very respected tushie surgeon. He developed the healing ointment himself, and now he's sharing it with the world.
Erica: Steinman, I got to sing that? It's not so easy on the ear.
Beverly: It's not great. But yet, the next one is even worse. Barnaby's Baltic Sea Juice.
Pops: I don't want that product.
Beverly: There's more. Magellan's Ol' Fashioned Year Round Nog for people who want eggnog, but not just at Christmas.
Pops: I'd like a good 'nog in the summer.

Quote from Murray

Adult Adam: [v.o.] When Matt's dad heard I got the understudy, he came to check out the competition.
Mr. Schernecke: Come on there, Matty boy. Just how we practiced.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Turns out the only thing worse than one sports dad is two. First, they cheered.
Murray: Come on, AG! Come on, now! Let's go.
Mr. Schernecke: Go big or go home, Matty boy. Look alive!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Then, they bragged.
Mr. Schernecke: My son is a five-tool player. He sings, dances, acts, juggles, and mimes.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Next came the insults.
Murray: Give it a rest, Schernecke. Your kid's no Tevye. That wheelbarrow's got more charisma.

Quote from Murray

Murray: There you are, AG. Come on, you got the call. You're goin' in.
Adam: [hoarsely] Bad news. Lost my voice. Whatcha gonna do?
Murray: Hydrate it. Suck on a lozenge. Get back out there!

Quote from Murray

Adam: Okay, what am I looking at?
Murray: Me.
Adam: You were in "Fiddler"?
Murray: I played Tevye. I only auditioned because my dad loved the play.
Adam: But Pop-Pop hates everything.
Murray: Not this. He was so proud. He would sit in the front row every night. And for the first time, I felt close to the guy, you know?
Adam: So that's why this means so much to you?
Murray: I know it's stupid. But I just wanted us to have the same thing I had with my dad.


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