Dave Kim: Dude, I got Lazar Wolf, the handsome town stud. That's typecasting Dave Kim likes.

Erica: [singing] It's for your bottom, but it's the tops Find happiness in just a glop From Dr. Steinman to every shop The one butt grease that never stops
Beverly: Wow. That is shockingly good.
Geoff: It's already stuck in my head and driving me nuts. You're a genius.
Erica: And that's not all! [singing] Pour it cold or drink it warm It's like seafood in liquid form It's Barnaby's, the juice of the sea
Beverly: Wow. You really worked hard on these.
Geoff: Okay, there's gonna be lines out the door to drink that salty fish juice.
Erica: And this next one is dedicated to you.
Beverly: Oh, that's not necessary.
Erica: No, it is. You talked to Marci and made all this happen for me. You have changed, and I love you.
Beverly: Just focus on the song.
Erica: [singing] You gotta remember, 'nog ain't just for December You can 'nog all summer afternoon.

Miss Cinoman: People, the moment has arrived. My dearest theater students and kids who do stage crew for some reason...
Dan: I work best in the shadows.
Miss Cinoman: No one cares, Dan. This year, William Penn Academy will be performing the most important musical of our time "Fiddler on the Roof"! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Dan: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Adam: Meh.
Jackie: "Meh"? Since when does Adam Goldberg "meh" a musical?
Adam: Fiddler's just so heavy and dreary and Russian. I'm more into the happy toe-tapping musicals, like "Music Man" or "Pippin" or not "Fiddler."

Jackie: So, you're not gonna even audition? I wanted us to be Golde and Tevye. They're the power couple of peasant Russia. Like Luke and Laura, but sadder.
Adam: Sorry, girl. As long as it's "Fiddler on the Roof," I ain't doing it.
[cut to:]
Murray: You're doing it.
Adam: But you hate all musicals with every fiber of your being.
Murray: Of course! They're long and boring, and they're about cats or painting wagons. But "Fiddler on the Roof"? The best.
Adam: Well, it reminds me of Pops' sad relatives who visit us from the old country. Their clothes are all schmutzy and smell like turnips.
Murray: Adam, you have to do this play. Our people have a few special things we're all proud of Sandy Koufax, The Fonz, Sammy Davis Jr., and "Fiddler on the Roof."

Erica: Wow. That's, like, a super good score. Is it wrong? It must be wrong. I mean, how is that possible?
Geoff: Well, I mean, I get straight As and I study all the time. Wait, did you not know I was smart?
Erica: No! I mean, I do hear you talk about homework a lot, but all I see is your cute, dumb face.

Beverly: 1,540. Holy [bleep]!
Erica: I can't believe this. That stupid goof-ass genius is gonna leave Philly and never look back.
Beverly: Oh, well, can you blame him? Everybody in LA eats sushi and has hair just like their dog, and the cops are so nice they can't solve crimes, so Axel Foley helps 'em.
Erica: That's all from "Beverly Hills Cop."
Beverly: Oh, such a good movie. It has my name and that Axel Foley has an infectious giggle. [imitates Axel laughing]
Erica: Stop talking about Axel Foley!

Erica: I will not let Geoff go to LA.
Beverly: Oh, squishy some things are just out of your control.
Erica: Not if I make sure he tanks those SATs.
Beverly: Shame on you for even thinking such a thing. If it's one rule I live by, it's that you can't smother your loved ones.
Erica: Um, hello? Remember, I wanted to apply to college in California? You tried to sabotage my SATs by teaching me fake vocabulary words.
Beverly: I swear on my life nothing like that has even remotely happened.

Adam: I'm the constable. Six lines, no songs, done by intermission. Dream role.
Murray: [entering] Move. Move your tiny bodies. Let's go. Hey!
Adam: Dad? What are you doing here?
Murray: Today's our big day! I wanted to see our name at the top of the roster.
Adam: It's more near the bottom, but it's still a very meaty part. The constable.
Murray: What? We wanted Tevye or nothing.
Adam: Well, Matt Schernecke got it.
Murray: That scrub is Tevye? He's got a warbly voice and no stage presence.
Matt Schernecke: What's that?
Murray: Mazel Tov, kid.
Adam: Way to go, Matt.
Matt Schernecke: Oh, okay.

Geoff: "Torkulent"?
Erica: It means delighted and a little scared.
Geoff: "Flimjam"?
Erica: To run backwards in a zig-zag pattern.
Geoff: Man, I didn't know any of these SAT words. I'm so lucky I have you.
Erica: You really are. I'm a great person.

Beverly: I'm sorry, Geoffrey. As a yenta, I have to tell you, she is trying to keep you from going to UCLA.
Geoff: C'mon, Erica would never do that.
Erica: Who you gonna believe? Your adoring girlfriend or this needy blond-helmeted guilt monster?
Geoff: You, obviously. Our love is built on an unbreakable trust that I cherish more than-
Erica: Damn it, it's me! I'm a terrible person, and you should just flimjam away from me as fast as you can.
Geoff: Oh, my God. My girlfriend would actually tank my future just to be with me? You love me so much, and I love you, too!
Beverly: Did not see that coming.