Carlton: Mom, presenting the all new and improved Nicholas Banks.
Vivian: Look at you.
Carlton: Nicky and I are gonna be spending more time together, especially since he's... M-A-D at W-I-L-L.
Vivian: How do you like your new clothes, baby?
Nicky: Mommy, I H-A-T-E them.
Carlton: From now on, it's you and me, Nicky. The fabulous Banks boys.
Nicky: Great.

Will: Freeze, munchkins!
Santa Claus: They're not munchkins, son, they're elves.
Will: Oh, yeah? Who are you, Keebler?
Santa Claus: [laughs] Oh, boy, you're not even close.
Will: All right, look here, dude. Check it out. Um I'm about to give a little ring-a-ding-ding to Bel-Air Security. So if you and any of your little friends took anything, you better put it back.
Santa Claus: Now, you hold on there, young man. Nobody talks to Santa Claus like that.
Will: Oh, I'm sorry. Santa Claus. Right on, yeah. Everybody knows Santa Claus is a Clippers fan.
Santa Claus: I am not. I just can't move these things. Now, you listen to me, sonny. I don't usually make off-season visits but you were about to do something terrible to your cousin Nicky. You don't have any idea what I'm talking about, do you?
Will: No.
Santa Claus: No, of course you don't. Maybe this year I'll put a brain in your stocking.
Will: Why do these make-believe guys keep pushing me?

Santa Claus: Come on over here. Sit down, right here.
Will: Unh-unh. [chuckles] Now, what are you talking about with Nicky?
Santa Claus: Will, being a child today is tougher than any time that I can remember. But, Nicky... Nicky is blessed with a very precious gift. Innocence. And you were about to take that away from him.
Will: No, I didn't wanna do that. I just don't want him to be mad at me forever.
Santa Claus: Aw, Will, nothing is forever with children. They grow up and they forget. Hey, remember something you used to believe in me once. Maybe you ought to try believing in me again. [chuckles] Oh, here, here. You be a good boy. And tell Carlton to stop faxing me. I cannot get him into Princeton.

Nicky: Will! Will!
Will: Nicky. Nicky. Hey.
Nicky: Santa was here. Did you see him?
Will: Uh, yeah, we was kicking it in the pool house.
Nicky: You know Santa?
Will: Know him? Who do you think gave him the idea for that mistletoe thing?
Nicky: You?
Will: Oh, yeah. See, we was chilling back in Philly one night. It was me, Santa, the tooth fairy and Shaft, right?
Nicky: Who's Shaft?
Will: Who's Shaft? Oh, Nicky, there's so much I got to teach you. See, Shaft was a complicated man.

Vivian: Where are you two going?
Will: To the beach.
Nicky: Yeah, me and Will are going trolling for slimmies.
Will: He be tripping.
Will: Ha, ha. Heh. No, he mean, "We gonna play in the sand." Ha, ha.
Nicky: Look, Ashley, it's Daddy's mad face.
Ashley: Come on, Nicky, let's go upstairs before Daddy's head explodes.

Will: Everybody going to the beach say, "Kowabunga!"
Nicky: Kowabunga!

Will: Look, come on, girl, that's vandalism you're talking about. No. Oh, I do remember this one time, though my homies was trying to get even with this gym teacher. My man Chill took a key, scratched all up the side of the paint. I took a potato, right, rammed it up in the tailpipe. Dude came out, started that joint, it was like "kaboom!"
Nicky: Boom!
Geoffrey: What a wonderful lesson for Master Nicky. Perhaps now you could teach him to run with scissors.

Philip: Maybe you've been spending too much time with Nicky. In fact, doesn't Carlton have some plans for this afternoon? Oh, yeah, and where is he? I know he better have a daggone good excuse for standing Nicky up.
Carlton: [enters] Will locked me in the closet.
Will: [scoffs] That's so tired. All right, Uncle Phil I just wanted to take the kid to his first bikini volleyball tournament.

Vivian: I do not want my little boy exposed to that much sex.
Carlton: Oh, don't worry, Mom, it only happened once. You meant Nicky, didn't you?

Vivian: I read that Dougie is gonna be appearing down at the mall today.
Will: Oh. Dougie? Is that that big, dumb, orange whale that be singing them stupid songs?
Carlton: Hey, those are life-affirming little ditties that bring joy to the young and young at heart. [sings] I love everything, big and small [Nicky joins in] Cute and ugly, I love them all