Ashley: Well, Dougie's his hero. Didn't you have heroes when you were a kid?
Will: Yeah, Shaft.
Ashley: And how did you feel when you found out that Shaft wasn't real?
Will: What are you talking about? No, I'm saying, he was based on an actual guy.
Ashley: No, he wasn't.
Will: He was too, Ashley.
Ashley: Shaft is fictional, Will.
Will: I'm saying, he went to Africa and everything.

Hilary: Look at this.
Will: "Powerful Earthquake Rattles Northern Coast."
Hilary: Oh, boo-hoo. This.
Will: "Television personality Leeza Gibbons was shocked that the woman attempting to vandalize her car was none other than rival talk-show host Hilary Banks. Banks, seen here wielding a potato..."
Hilary: Wielding? I was not wielding, I was rubbing. I rubbed that damn potato all over Leeza's car and it didn't make a scratch. At least they didn't catch me putting my keys in her exhaust pipe.

Vivian: Will, when I was a little girl, I got so mad at your mother I stopped speaking to her for weeks.
Will: Heh. Really? It's hard to imagine you being quiet for that long, Aunt Viv. [laughing] Go on.
Vivian: She gave away one of my favorite toys. It was a Raggedy Ann doll. But I got over it.
Vy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. My mom told me about that. Didn't you chop the head off her teddy bear and flush it down the toilet?
Vivian: That's how I got over it.