Will: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Come on, time out. Now, can we think about this for a second, please? Now, Dougie loves everything. People, am I the only one that finds something terribly wrong with that? [sings] I love bugs and I love death I love oozing flesh wounds
Nicky: Mommy! Mommy!

Dougie: That's it. You SOBs better pull your thumbs out and get your freaking acts together.
Nicky: What's wrong with Dougie?
Will: I think something must have crawled up his blowhole.
All: Dougie! Dougie! Dougie! Dougie! Dougie!
Carlton: Let's get out of here. Last time a Dougie concert was canceled, kids went crazy and trashed a babyGap.
Will: Shut up, Carlton. I'm gonna go back and have a mammal-to-mammal with Dougie.

Will: Excuse me. Mr. Dougie? I was wondering when you were coming back out there because we've been waiting all day.
Dougie: Aren't you a little old for this crap?
Will: Uh-huh. Yeah, but my cousin isn't. You know, he came here to see a show.
Dougie: Yeah? What'd he pay for the ticket?
Will: Nothing. It was free.
Dougie: Then the little brat got his money's worth. Now beat it.
Will: [chuckles] Um, look here, you big orange Moby Dick.

Carlton: He's still mad at you, and so am I.
Will: Oh, please leave me alone, Carlton. I already had to go through this for 40 hours with Uncle Phil. I made a mistake. That's why I bought this train set.
Carlton: Well, it's a start. [takes the train set] Thanks.

Leeza Gibbons: [on TV] So that's all coming up today. But we'll get to that in a moment. First, I wanna talk about this so-called feud going on between Hilary Banks and me. Now, Hilary, you and I, we're part of a very special sorority. A sort of sisterhood of talk-show hosts. I love your show and I wish you lots of success. So, what do you say? Let's bury the hatchet.
Geoffrey: Ooh, that witch.
Hilary: So you see it too.
Geoffrey: All I see is a beautiful woman perched atop two of the most finely sculpted legs I've ever seen.
Hilary: Oh, like those are real.

Will: Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, the pogmeister's in the house. Who wants some?
Philip: Looks like I'm out. Here's Will. Maybe he can give you some competition, Nicky.
Nicky: I'm not in the mood.
Philip: Gets that from his mother.

Will: You know what that kid's problem is, Uncle Phil? His values is all messed up, man. Any other normal kid, you could just buy their love back.

Philip: This has really upset you, hasn't it?
Will: You was right, man, I'm a terrible role model. I ain't never having no kids.
Philip: Well, now, Will, as much as the idea of your reproducing scares the hell out of me, I think you'll make a great father. I mean, everybody makes mistakes with kids. The important thing is to admit when you're wrong and to apologize.
Will: How come you don't ever do that?
Philip: Don't question me.

Will: Hey, Nicky. Mind if I join you? Wow. I didn't know you could read the paper.
Nicky: I can't.
Will: Nicky, listen, there's something I need to tell you about Dougie. And not just him neither. It's the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy.
Nicky: What about them?
Will: Well, you're getting to be a big boy now. Sooner or later you're gonna find out none of them- [A scantily-dressed woman waves to Will through the window]
Nicky: None of them are what?
Will: Um... Here, read the personals, Nicky.