Miss Sharpe: Well, will Mrs. Banks be joining us?
Will: Uh, no, I'm single. I mean, um, Ashley's mother ran out on us. Ashley was but a mere tyke at the time. I had to be both Mommy and Daddy. We went from training wheels to training bras. They both came off too soon, didn't they, kitten?

Ashley: Okay. Mom, Dad, it's like this. Will has something he wants to tell you.
Will: I ain't got nothing. Um... Your Honor, uh... Now, before you deliver your verdict, the defense dictates that you sustain the motion of the ocean. Because most parents want the truth, but they can't handle the truth. So in conclusion, I move for a change of venue. What you say you give us a half-hour head start.

Vivian: Philip, I'm sure the mayor's mother meant it as a compliment.
Philip: Oh, really? Then I should be honored that she thinks I look like a Black Alfred Hitchcock. Hi kids.
Will: [as Hitchcock] Good evening.