Kelso: So I was daydreaming during this civil rights lecture at the police academy, and I came up with a great idea for an invention, adult strollers. Why walk when someone can push you?
Donna: Kelso, that's a wheelchair.
Kelso: All right, it's official. Everything's been thought of!

Red: [reads] "After throwing the evil pirate king overboard, the Duke turned to Lady Daphne, pulled his sword from its sheath and held it erect. Lady Daphne touched it tentatively, and a shudder went through the Duke."
Fez: So you like those books, too, Mr. Red?
Red: All right, fine. So you know. But you tell one person, and so help me God, I will chop down whatever tree you live in.

Eric: Now this, okay. This is what I'm talking about. That's a nice fork.
Donna: Eric, the handle is an actual deer hoof.
Eric: Yeah, that's the Cherokee collection. Donna, that's the Indian way. They kill the animal, then eat it with its own paw.
Donna: Okay, you know what? I have a new plan. I'll just go shopping, and then I'll show you what I pick.
Eric: So I don't get to go at all?
Donna: No. I'll just... I'll just do it myself.
Eric: Yeah, I guess I'm just bad at it.

Red: Reading another one of your dirty girl books?
Kitty: They're not dirty, they're romantic.
Red: Mutiny From Behind.
Kitty: Yeah. The mutiny sneaks up on her.
Red: I don't think that's what it means.
Kitty: Well, it is a wonderful book. It's got pirates and action. Oh, oh, oh! It has this hilarious parrot that says the most inappropriate things. [laughs]
Red: [reads] "The pirate's vessel slowly sailed into the harbor of San Sebastian island. His saucy prisoner's alabaster breasts heaving with every motion of the tall, rigid ship." [out loud] San Sebastian island. I think I killed some commies there.

Red: And that is why you never, ever talk about it. Have you ever noticed how often I just grunt at your mother? I know how to talk. I'm not an ape.
Eric: Right.
Red: I just choose not to.
Eric: Right.
Red: Well, it's too late for that now, since you screwed up and talked about it. There's only one thing to do. Go on the offensive. Counter attack.
Eric: What? That's suicide, man.
Red: They'll never expect it. It throws them off. You know, one time in Korea, we had this little guy outnumbered 20-to-1. But then he ran at us, screaming his head off. And we were so taken off guard, that we dove right into our foxholes.
Eric: And he got away?
Red: No, no. No, I mean we were startled for a few seconds, but then the whole company just opened up on him.

Kitty: When you were a baby, you had your hands down your pants all the time. But that's okay, because it's natural. Red, tell him it's natural.
Red: What are you, an animal?
Kitty: But why wouldn't you lock the door?
Red: How could he lock the door when he's in there pawing himself like an animal?
Kitty: You know, some people get addicted and can't even hold down a job!
Red: If you can't get someone to do it for you, you do without. In Korea, I went for two and a half years.
Eric: Dad, you were there for three.
Red: What are you, an animal?

Donna: Okay, the thing is, I knew Eric did that, but knowing and seeing are two very different things. It's kind of like how I know there are rats under the house.
Jackie: But you don't want to see the rats diddling themselves in your bathroom.
Donna: Exactly!
Jackie: But, Donna, you're missing the whole point here. Eric's perverted behavior can be a card you could play for the rest of your life. Let's just say you want Eric to buy you a diamond, but he says, "No." You just say, "Why, are you busy?" Five minutes later, you're Elizabeth Taylor.
Donna: Yeah, I think I need advice from a woman in a relationship not built on blackmail.
Jackie: It's called a lesbian, Donna, and you're going to have to go to New York for that.

Eric: You know what? This is Donna's fault with her, you know, "No more sex till we're married" crap. You guys have no idea how hard it's been to have no sex at all.
Fez: Yeah, it must be horrible.
Eric: Seriously, you guys, what do I do now?
Hyde: I say you've got to pull a Nixon. Deny, deny, deny.
Fez: No, you just need a good story. Whenever I get caught, I just tell people that I'm checking for ticks.
Hyde: Fez, how many times have you been caught?
Fez: Oh, come on, I'm not stopping just because a doorknob turns.

Bob: Did you tell Fez to make a move on Pam? 'Cause if you didn't, I'm gonna box him up and send him back to banana town.
Fez: Okay, I'm sick of those comments. I don't say I'm gonna send you back to polyester town.

Hyde: I mean, how does Bob pull all these foxes like Midge and Pam? He's got to have something the ladies can't resist. Hey, Donna, you ever see your dad naked?
Donna: Oh, my God! Can we please talk about anything besides that?
Fez: You're way off, Hyde. Women love Bob for his sense of humor. That sucker is funnier than a Dixie cup.
Kelso: No. All right, how it works is relationships are based on a point system. All right, see, Pam is good-looking. So that's 20 points. And Bob, he's like the nicest guy in the world. So that's like, what? Like a point. But Bob's got money, and that's 19 points. And altogether that's 20. Now, you add the whole thing together, and that's 40, which is incidentally almost half my score.