203. The Velvet Rope
Aired October 12, 1999
As Donna dances the night away, Eric, Hyde and Fez are stuck outside a hip new club when the bouncer (Neil Flynn) won't let them inside. Meanwhile, Jackie gives Kelso a make-over, and Red searches for a new job.
Quote from Red
Kitty: Honey, now I know, I know you've been just a little bit blue since the plant closed, so... I got you a present. Ta-da!
Red: You're Hired. "The essential guide for job hunting." Kitty... I don't need that. I've been working since I was 16. I fought in two wars. Hell, I killed people. I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy it.
Kitty: No, no, no, no. I just, you know, I just thought I'd give you a little edge.
Red: I don't need an edge. I'm Red Forman. I'm experienced, loyal, hard-working.
Laurie: That's the trifecta of employability.
Red: Well, thanks, sweetie.
Quote from Kelso
Kelso: Oh! No, no, I know. There's this new club that opened in Chicago. It's supposed to be like, like, the hottest spot this side of Studio 54.
Donna: My God, you guys, that's perfect.
Jackie: No, no, Michael, we can't go. My parents are gonna be out late tonight, and... We have to study.
Kelso: Study? Aw, what a gyp. I'm going to the club.
Jackie: No. No, no, Michael, you're coming over to my house tonight and we're gonna... "Study."
Kelso: Fine. I never get to do anything fun.
Hyde: My, God, you're dumb.
Kelso: I guess that's why I've gotta go study.
Quote from Fez
Fez: People are so friendly around here. Two women on the corner just offered to have sex with me.
Hyde: Yeah, for money, Fez.
Fez: I could not ask them for money. Or could I?
Quote from Hyde
Eric: Well, so much for your "He can't stop both of us" theory.
Hyde: This bites, man. He can't keep us out of there. I mean, what, did we wake up in Russia this morning?
Eric: No. We did not, in fact, wake up in Russia this morning.
Hyde: I didn't think so. Hey, let me tell you something, pal. You're propping up a dying system, man. You see, someday soon, people are gonna wake up, and they're gonna realize that most of us don't fit into your Hollywood, Madison Avenue, candy-coated ideal of what's cool. And when we do, we're gonna rise up, we're gonna put you on trial, then parade through the streets with your head on a stick!
Bouncer: Righteous political outrage. You're in.
Hyde: All right. I'll see you later, Forman.
Quote from Red
Red: I didn't get the job.
Kitty: Okay, well, you will get them next time.
Red: Aw, Kitty... The world's changing. Things aren't turning out the way I expected.
Kitty: Well, Red, what did you expect?
Red: Well... I don't know, I...
[fantasy: a '50s-style information video begins with an atomic bomb going off:]
Announcer: [v.o.] Take that, Hirohito. And that. Yes, with America's victory overseas now complete, our fighting boys return home, where the American working man takes his rightful place on the throne. "Hi, honey. How was your day?" "They gave me another raise." "Oh, honey, with all the money you make, it's no wonder I don't have to work." Daughter Laurie has a question. "Daddy, why is the American economy the envy of the world?" "Well," says Dad, "It's because the American worker is experienced, loyal, and hard-working." Looks like junior has some good news. "Say, Dad, you can stop giving me money now. I just got a football scholarship to Notre Dame. I guess experience, loyalty, and hard work really do pay off." Daughter Laurie has another question. "Daddy, can you tell me why Germany and Japan's economies never recovered?" "It's simple. They are not experienced. They are not hard-working. They are not loyal. And they do not speak English." Speaking of work, Mom has to go grocery shopping. "Can I have the keys to the Cadillac?" "Ha, ha. Forget the Cadillac. Take the hovercraft." Red... The hovercraft?
Red: What? They promised us hovercrafts. It's just another damn broken promise.
Quote from Jackie
Kelso: Oh, check it out. Bowie. Man, he's cool.
Jackie: Yeah. Androgynous guys are so manly. Michael? Do you know who would look totally, totally sexy, glammed up like Bowie?
Jackie: You, Michael.
Kelso: You're crazy. [chuckles] No, I'm not glam.
Jackie: No, come on, Michael, you have such pretty eyes.
Kelso: Well, my lashes do go out, like, a mile.
Jackie: And with this, I can flip 'em up.
Kelso: No way!
Quote from Kitty
Kitty: Eric, you've hardly touched your breakfast.
Eric: That's because I don't know what it is.
Kitty: Well, it's just, it's eggs and hash and some... Surprises.
Eric: Mom, why aren't you eating it?
Kitty: Well, I just, I have never been a breakfast person.
Hyde: Is this rabbit?
Laurie: Mom, if Daddy gets a job, can we stop eating dog food?
Kitty: Laurie, it is not dog food, and God, I hope so.
Quote from Laurie
Red: So, would you hire me?
Laurie: I'd hire you, Daddy. Especially if the position was world's best father.
Eric: Aw, you make me sick.
Quote from Midge
Donna: Oh, oh, you know what? I'll tell you a crazy story. It all started, like, four minutes ago...
[flashback to Midge and Bob doing yoga as Donna returns home:]
Midge & Bob: Omm...
Donna: Oh, good God. What are you guys doing now?
Midge: Yoga. I'm trying to align your father's chakras.
Bob: I didn't even know the damn things were out of whack.
Donna: Why can't you guys be normal?
Midge: Donna, your negativity is bruising our auras. Please leave.
Bob: Oh, and honey, we're also exploring tantric sex. So, if you hear any strange noises coming from Mommy and Daddy's bedroom...
Donna: Ew! Why must you guys freak me out on a daily basis? I don't want to picture you naked, and I'm leaving now. Forever.
Midge & Bob: Omm...