Fez: I'd like to do it with Nina in an alley. My bare ass... pressed up against a cold dumpster.

Eric: Hey.
Donna: I'd kiss you but I'm afraid your hat will wake up and scratch my eyes out.

Joanne: Let's get started. "To make room for a new trading post, Paul Bunyan needs to clear-cut 200 acres of forest. The first team to chop 25 logs wings." And chop!
[Eric struggles to remove the ax from the stump]
Eric: Um, excuse me. My ax is stuck.
Charlie: Way to go, Mitch.
Mitch: That's right! We bad!
Charlie: Oh, yeah, we bad!
Red: Pull the ax out, Eric.
Eric: I can't. It's really stuck in there.
Red: And you think you're ready to be married. You can't even chop wood. What are you gonna do for heat in the winter, burn comic books?
Eric: Hmm, I don't know. I guess I would probably just turn on the heater!

Mitch: Hey, just remember, guys. It's not whether you win or lose. It's how you play the game.
Charlie: Unfortunately, you guys don't know how to play the game.
Mitch: Oh, hey, hey. We don't wanna rub it in their face they're big losers.
Both: [gasps] Ooh! Ooh!
Mitch: I didn't- It just came out.
Eric: This is the worst Point Place Paul Bunyan Pioneer Days Jamboree ever.

Charlie: Mitch, they're winning. What happened to your magic fingers?
Mitch: Get off my back, old man!
Eric: Dad, here.
Joanne: Team Forman wins!
Charlie: You let me down, son. I thought you were better than that.
Mitch: Oh, what are you gonna do? Lock me in the closet again? He locks me in the closet!
Charlie: It's a walk-in! It's a walk-in.
Eric: So, Dad, what do you say now?
Red: Why are you so good at that?

Fez: How are we gonna break into Leo's apartment?
Kelso: [bounces against the door] We need a credit card to slip in the door. Ponch used one on CHiPs once and the lady he rescued was so grateful they did it.
Hyde: Kelso, if we had a credit card, we could buy a sledgehammer and break down the door.
Jackie: If we had a credit card, I'd be butt-deep in Jordache right now.
[Fez turns the handle and opens the door]

Joanne: "Pioneer Pete is lost in the woods. Assemble the map to find his bow and arrow.And shoot the bell with the arrow and Pioneer Pete will appear. Do not shoot Pioneer Pete." And go.
Eric: Okay, this one goes here.
Red: And this piece goes here.
Charlie: Come on, Mitch. Don't give up.
Mitch: Okay, Mr. "I Haven't Had A Job In Five Years."
Eric: So the bow and arrow are behind the feeding trough!
Red: Go, go, go! [bell dings]
Bob: Howdy, y'all! I'm Pioneer Pete! Look, Donna. It's me, your dad.

Charlie: Well, Mitch, I hope you're happy.
Mitch: How can I be happy? Our whole life is a lie. I mean, am I really supposed to believe that Kathy is my little sister? She doesn't look anything like me. She is Cuban, for Pete's sake! And what about your Friday bowling nights? I looked in your bowling bag, you know what I found? Butt-less chaps! What's with the butt-less chaps?
Charlie: Your mother's inhibited.
Mitch: Ugh. Ugh. Ugh!
Red: Don't shake hands with that guy.

Red: Great news. Little Timmy Stinson cut his finger off in a whittling event. They're out. We're in second place.
Eric: And if we win this next event, we'll be champions. And maybe even friends.

Charlie: Look, we've had a rough day and we've both said some things that we didn't mean. But we've got to pull it together for this final event.
Mitch: Just tell me where you go Friday nights.
Charlie: I rent a motel room and I lock the door and I cry, okay? I cry like a damn baby.
Mitch: Why do you need butt-less chaps for that?
Joanne: Okay, it's time for our final event. "Transport your gold in a genuine covered wagon to Pioneer Pete's..." You know what? I'm tired. Pull the wagons. Go.