Kitty: Okay, let's see, where to start? Well, your father and I were furious when we caught you boys in that smoky basement. The minute you left for the airport, we went down there to do what the Feds call "a sweep."
[flashback:]
Kitty: How dare you boys smoke up my house when you know how hard I work to keep it smelling lemony fresh!
Red: You morons just hung vacancy signs on your asses, and my foot's looking for a room!

Red: What's going on?
Kelso: Oh, just a classic case of hand stuck in vase.
Red: Well, get it off, or you'll have a classic case of foot stuck in ass.

Red: Oh, no.
Leo: Yup, it's me. Hey, is my lady around?
Red: Leo, buddy, we gotta talk. You're getting me in a lot of trouble around here. Now, I'm begging you-
Kitty: [o.s.] Who is it, Red?
Red: Listen, hophead! I love that woman with a fiery passion that consumes my soul! That's right! So you can either walk out of here on your own or you can hop outta here with my boot in your ass!
Leo: Okay, I choose the one with nothing in my ass.
Red: Good choice!

Red: Today was a total disaster. I didn't sell one muffler and I drove a dozen customers into the hands of my competition. If I were a younger, more flexible man, I'd shove my foot up my own ass.

Eric: [whistles]
Red: Do you know the great thing about whistling? You can stop whistling.
Eric: Sorry.
Red: Eric, bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else, I'm gonna...
Eric: Kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Red: Jeez. And I didn't think you were listening.

Red: Need something, Bob?
Bob: Well, it's a funny thing. The wife and I, we're taking out a second mortgage on the house. Well, that's not the funny part 'cause we're pretty much destitute.
Red: It's a little bit funny, Bob.
Bob: Anyways, I'm looking at the deed to the property and the map shows that I own a couple feet of your driveway and a little bit of your garage.
Red: How'd you like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass?
Bob: I wouldn't, to be quite honest.
Red: It's free.

Kelso: You know, I'm gonna take Red's car. I know he's got to hide a key in there somewhere.
Red: Are you brain-damaged?
Kelso: Fez, did you just say, "Are you brain-damaged?" and sound exactly like Red?
Fez: Kelso, you know I only do Johnny Carson and Pepe Le Pew.
Red: Get away from my car.
Kelso: Your car, my car. Aren't we all just driving the same car? It's a car called "life."
Red: How about I drive my foot into this thing called your ass?
Kelso: A simple "no" would suffice.

Eric: Oh, hey. What took you guys so long at the heart doctor's? Oh, let me guess. You had to call in a specialist just to find Dad's tiny heart.
Red: You know, we could call in a specialist to find my foot in your ass.
Hyde: "We're going to need an ass-foot-ologist, stat."

Hyde: Forman, why'd you have to tell Red you got engaged? Look at him, yelling and waving. Oh! A little spit just landed on Bob. Bob's so scared, he's not even wiping it off.
Eric: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This time Red is really gonna kill me. My only hope is that he actually sticks his foot so far up my ass... he can't pull it out, and I get to take him straight to hell with me.

Eric: No, uh, Dad, this was just a prank that's gone wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.
Red: Well, I've got a prank too. One where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go horribly, horribly wrong!