Red: Have you been in bed all day?
Eric: Yeah, I have. I've been reading the Jack Kerouac classic On The Road. See, as I see it, why get out of bed when you can read about people who got out of bed?
Red: You have got to be the laziest non-communist I've ever met. And you are about to read a book that my foot wrote. It's called On The Road To In Your Ass.

Red: I can't believe that is what you idiots have been doing in my basement all these years!
[The background behind Red and Kitty sways as Eric stares at them]
Red: I wish I had 2,000 feet so I could put 500 of them in each of your asses!

Hyde: Hey, Red, I got a question for you. My wife says she doesn't want anything for Valentine's Day. So I'm off the hook, right?
Red: Let me tell you a little story. There was a woman, a newlywed. And she told her husband, "Rather than waste money on gifts, save for retirement." And so he never bought her a gift. Not for Christmas, birthdays, never. And 50 years later, she thanked him. And you know who that woman was?
Hyde: No.
Red: That woman was the invisible dancing fairy of Dumbass Land. All women want gifts.

Kitty: Oh, there's my valentine.
Red: Oh.
Kitty: See, now, the card is a heart. Actually, it's your heart, and it's saying, "Hi, Red, remember when I attacked you?" [chuckles] It's a reminder to cut back on fatty, fried foods.

Red: Ever since I forgot Kitty's birthday that one year, I keep a stash of gifts down here. That way, even if I forget, I remember. Go ahead, I'll spot you one.
Hyde: Oh, hey, these wool mittens will be perfect for Sam. If only they were black, leather and a bra. So what are you giving Kitty?
Red: Ah, this needlepoint. She'll like it because it's fun, and I'll like it because it'll keep her occupied for gigantic chunks of time.