Sandra: Yeah, and her shoes made a lot of noise. I mean, what?
Amy: Are you guys seriously weirded out by a female boss? It's 2018.
Sandra: You're right. To be honest, I really liked her shoes.

Mateo: Ugh, Laurie's gonna be looking at our stats, and my checkout scores are terrible. That scanner never works for me. It's probably because I swallowed a magnet when I was four. It just never came out.

Cheyenne: Who cares if you're bad at one thing? I'm bad at driving, but I'm good at texting and driving.

Dina: Not me. If I hear someone's pregnant, all I think about is bathroom breaks and doctors' appointments and hormones. It's like, we don't need another Elias.
Glenn: Okay, but Laurie's gonna find out eventually.
Dina: Well, we'll deal with that if it comes to it, but for all we know, I may lose the baby and this is never even an issue.
Glenn: Wait, what?
Dina: I'm just saying, things happen. I live in a very dangerous neighborhood. People are always pushing other people. Anyway... Later, boss.
Glenn: Move! You've gotta move.

Laurie: Uh, Myrtle Vartanian?
Amy: Oh, Myrtle, yeah. She's sweet. She doesn't do very much. Doesn't do it very well, but...
Laurie: She actually makes more money than anyone else at her level.
Amy: Yeah, well, I guess when you've been here that long, even 40-cent pay bumps add up, huh?
Laurie: Good to know. All right, well, at least we know we can cut Myrtle. Okay, why don't you tell me about Cody?
Amy: Oh, wait, uh, sorry. Um, when you say cut Myrtle, you don't mean like...
Laurie: Oh, my God, no. I'm not, like, a monster.
Amy: Oh, okay. Phew.
Laurie: I'm not, like, gonna literally cut her. No, I just mean fire her.
Amy: Oh, um...
Laurie: Okay, tell me about Marcus White. What's his IQ? Because if it's low enough, we get a tax break. [Marcus laughs at a greeting card]

Glenn: Myrtle's a fixture. I mean, would you want me to fire the light bulbs or to... would you want me to throw our plumbing out into the cold?
Laurie: I would, if the pipes cost us more than any other pipe for doing inferior work. Look, I'm sure she will find another job, Glenn.
Glenn: Who's gonna hire her? She's useless. Can I at least wait until the end of the day? I would like to show her one last perfect day before she wanders off into the great unknown.
Laurie: Okay, I'm asking you to fire her, not kill her.
Glenn: How do you live with yourself?

Man: [sighs]
Mateo: Is sighing really gonna help me go faster? You're just wasting air. [scanner beeps]
Man: [sighs]
Mateo: [sighs mockingly] There, how do you like it?

Mateo: You think I should?
Cheyenne: Well, isn't that kind of like cheating?
Mateo: Not really. 'Cause if you think about it...
Garrett: It's cheating. It's 100% cheating.
Mateo: I think Garrett makes a good point. I'm gonna do it.
Cheyenne: Well, I guess while you're in there, you can change your employee photo too.
Mateo: Enough about the photo! I had a lot of sodium that morning.

Sandra: I just get nervous if I go too tight, it'll hurt the baby.
Dina: Women have been wearing corsets for centuries. If a little squeezing hurt, I think we would have heard something about it.
Sandra: There used to be really high infant mortality.
Dina: Fine, I'll go get Justine to help.

Glenn: Myrtle, what would be your idea of a perfect day?
Myrtle: I guess I'd like to spend one more day with my late husband, Charlie.
Glenn: Oh, okay, but what about a perfect day in the store?
Myrtle: If Charlie came in the store.
Glenn: Okay, I'm not- I'm not God.
Garrett: Hey, Myrtle, you borrowed some scissors, and I need them back.
Glenn: You leave her alone! This is Myrtle's day! You take all the scissors you want, honey.