Marcus: Hey, if Hitler was a woman, would you be defending Hitler?
Amy: No, obviously not.
Cheyenne: What if Oprah hosted the Holocaust?
Jonah: I'm not sure one hosts a holocaust.
Justine: Don't mansplain her.
Amy: Okay, I'm not in favor of any holocaust, but if there was a holocaust, then yeah, Oprah's who I would want to host it.
Marcus: And I actually agree with that.
Justine: Mm-hmm.
Cheyenne: Me too.
Mateo: Yeah.
Garrett: I think we solved sexism, guys.

Cheyenne: I'm excited to have a woman in charge.
Myrtle: The world's moving too fast. Enough already.

Amy: We try and keep Carol and Sandra on opposite sides of the store. It's sort of like a... like a Crips and Bloods thing.

Laurie: And Justine Sikowicz?
Amy: Justine is a hard worker. Um, she cries a lot in the bathroom. But not, like, in a way where you feel like you have to go in.

Amy: Hey, Laurie, um, can we talk to you?
Laurie: Sure, who's this?
Jonah: Hi, um, I'm Jonah. Simms.
Laurie: Mm, he does look like a male Tinkerbell.

Garrett: Why are you shutting the blinds?
Mateo: [whispers] So no one can see us.
Garrett: Oh, you're afraid we might get caught changing your register scores?
Mateo: Fine. Can we just change the scores so we can get out of here?
Garrett: All right, I'm just looking for the right window. Glenn's taxes, Google search for "how many tomatoes in the world", his church's MySpace page. Ah, here we are. Employee records. Your UPM score is now 120.
Mateo: 120? Isn't that kinda high?
Garrett: I don't know, man. I mean, we're here. You might as well change it to something impressive.
Mateo: You're right. This is my Tonya Harding moment, and I've gotta claw my way to the top. Okay. 121. It's a little less obvious.

Glenn: Good morning, everyone. [indistinct chatter] Good morning. [indistinct chatter] Okay, let's focus up.
Dina: Quiet!
Glenn: Morning, everyone. Okay, uh, before the new district manager gets here, I just wanted to warn you her name is Laurie Neustadt. And she's a woman, so let's not act like that's weird.
Mateo: Um, is it weird?
Glenn: No. I mean... just don't act like anything's weird. Ever. In general.
Amy: Nice recovery.

Marcus: Man, I hope she's a WILF. It's a woman I'd like to [bleep].
Justine: [gasps] That's what that means.

Glenn: I'm just worried that I'm gonna say something weird. I wish I knew something more about her.
Jonah: I'm Googling her, and apparently she's from Denver.
Glenn: Denver, terrific. Let's go with the Denver thing.
Amy: Or we could just treat her like she's a human being.
Glenn: Yeah, but we've got the Denver thing in case that doesn't work out.
Amy: Right, and why wouldn't that work?

Justine: Laurie seems like kind of a bitch, right?
Marcus: She's like this strict schoolteacher in a porn but nothing good ends up happening. She just, like, teaches.