Dr. Cox: They probably like it too, whether they admit it or not.
Dr. Kelso: Well...
Dr. Cox: "Oh, the old guy's so tough on me, but I love him." Right? Right? They hate you, Bob. They hate you from your the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you, dear God, they hate you good.
Nurse Roberts: [laughs]
Dr. Kelso: What're you laughing at?
Nurse Roberts: That "hooves" and "pitchfork" part. Why?
Dr. Kelso: No reason.

J.D.: What's wrong?
Janitor: I lost my mop.
J.D.: Really?
Janitor: No. But that's the only thing that could make me unhappy, right? You people, you think of me as nothing but The Janitor.
J.D.: That's not true.
Janitor: What's my name? [covers name badge]
J.D.: I know that the nurses call you Sir Plunge-a-lot.
Janitor: I know.
J.D.: Come on. I'm sure you don't know my name so-
Janitor: John Michael Dorian.
J.D.: How did you know my middle name?
Janitor: Because I care.

Todd: Push it out. Two more. Come on, kid. Bitchin' reps.
Dr. Cox: A dumb-ass says what?
Todd: What?
Dr. Cox: I said, "A dumb-ass says what?"
Todd: What?

J.D.: [v.o.] And I was having problems with my lady too.
Nurse Roberts: Can we get a move on, Q-Tip? I got tickets to Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk and I don't want to miss the noise.

Turk: Sir, whatever happened to Bunny? We gotta know.
Dr. Kelso: Well, actually, the music came before Bunny. I learned to play the guitar growing up as a young rapscallion in Mississippi. But things didn't really take off until I moved to Memphis. Then I met the Colonel, and the hits just kept coming. Unfortunately, it went to my head. I gained a lot of weight, started wearing a white jumpsuit and ate tranquilizers like they were trail mix.
Elliot: Sir.
Dr. Kelso: Then, in 1977, I died on the toilet. Or did I?
Turk: You never played the guitar?
Dr. Kelso: Son, that crap is for hippies! Now, for God's sake, get back to work.
Elliot: Yes, sir.
Dr. Kelso: [as Elvis] Thank you very much.

J.D.: Put your gloves on, Josh. I need you to get an ABG.
Josh: I can't.
J.D.: Newbie, wait.
Carla: "Newbie"?
J.D.: Shut up. Look, Josh, you're the only one who knows whether you wanna be a doctor or not. But right now I kinda got my hands full. OK? So what do you say you put some gloves on, Shirley, and get the hell in here? Now, locate the radial pulse. Josh, look at me. You can do this.
Carla: It looks good.
Josh: No way.
J.D.: What do you want, a cookie? Go put your scrubs on and get back here. Go, go, go!

Dr. Cox: Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? Then they finally do and they're happy for ever. Give me a break. Nine out of ten end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones that get married get divorced anyway. And I'm telling you right now, through all this, I have not become a cynic. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies, and you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker. I don't care. Because I do... believe in it. Bottom line is couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else. But the big difference is, they don't let it take 'em down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time, if it's right and they're real lucky. One of 'em will say something.

Dr. Kelso: Enid has always understood how much my career meant to me. She knows I'm an important man in my field, and it helps her get on all those boards of things her friends are on. You know, like, bringing art to the underprivileged kids in the community, blah, blah, blah. When I first met her, she wanted to be a psychiatrist. But we both decided that that wasn't a fitting profession for a family woman. No offence, sweetheart. I know she's grateful. She likes to joke that I choked the last breath of life out of her long ago. Now she's just a shell of a woman. [laughs] I think that's so cute. I call her Shelly. [laughs] You know, when I call her that, sometimes she laughs so hard, she cries a little.

Dr. Kelso: When the Kelsonoviches settled in Monroeville, P.A., there were two steel mills, three bars, and not a doctor in sight. Then my old man set up a shingle and started delivering babies and stitching up three-fingered steel men by the wagonload. Everybody loved him. When they couldn't come up with the cash, he would gladly accept a handmade sweater or a bushel of turnips. [laughs] Jackass.

Elliot: I mean, how weird was that this morning? Have you ever been more uncomfortable in your entire life?
[flashback:]
Grandma: What movie are we watching?
J.D.: It's Basic Instinct, Grandma.
[present:]
J.D.: Yeah, once.