Jason: I have a small low-fat latte for Dr. Dorian.
Jordan: What the hell, long-face? We were here first.
Jason: Yeah, but Dr. D. is the king.
J.D.: I didn't ask to be special, it just kinda happened.
J.D.: [v.o.] Still after six years of being a star around here, I couldn't help of wonder what would be like if the spotlight were on some of my supporting players, for a change.

Jason: Extra hot tea for Ted.
Ted: [v.o.] Aw, he didn't give you a cardboard sleeve. Still don't rock the boat. You don't want people staring. Besides, how hot can it be? Holy mother of God! Huge mistake! Huge mistake! [cup disintegrates, Ted places his hand in the ice-cold drink of a nurse passing him] Just keep moving. No one saw that. [pager beeps] Naw! Kelso.

Ted: What's going on?
Ted: [v.o.] Hey, maybe it's the surprise party you've been waiting for your whole life. Just, play it cool, Teddy-boy.
Ted: The party man is here.
Dr. Kelso: It's not a surprise party, Ted. It'll never be. Nurse Espinosa and her chiquita nursitas are here because they want more dinero.
Ted: [v.o.] Dr. Kelso and his racism.

Carla: We are not asking for much. Just the basic cost of living raise.
Dr. Kelso: No chance, pink pants.
Ted: Sir, the last thing we need is a strike!
Dr. Kelso: They'll never do it, Ted. A strike would hurt the patients. See? That's their biggest weakness. They care about the patients.
Carla: This isn't over, Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Scram.

Woman: Excuse me, Dr. Quinlan?
Todd: Who?
Turk: That's you, Todd.
Todd: Oh, yeah.
Woman: I just wanna thank you for helping with my daughter's condition. It's hard enough being 16 and she shouldn't have to be teased by her classmates just because she looks so different.
Todd: I am glad to help, ma'am.
Turk: You are making a difference in her daughter's life. What are you fixing, some type of major facial deformity?
Todd: No, I'm giving her giant cans.

[As Dr. Mickhead grabs a sugar sachet from the table:]
Jordan: Um, have you ever heard the phrase "Excuse me"? Here, take the fake sugars, 'cause I hope you get cancer, I really do.
All: [murmurs of disagreement]
Jordan: Well, my parents were mean to me.
All: [murmurs of support]

Elliot: Keith and I are always so busy that he suggested that we meet here for ten minutes before our shifts starts, for coffee and for some together-time. Is that not sweet?
Jordan: That may have been the most bored I have ever been whilst someone was talking to me.
Keith: She's ruining our coffee time.
Elliot: Just pretend she's not here. So, anyway, explain...
Jordan: [v.o.] Uh, I hate everybody. Oh, look at those two. [looks at Colonel Doctor & Dr. Beardfacé] It must be the Beard of the Month Club. "My beard is nice and white." "But my beard is more bushy." "Yeah, let's be friends." Morons.

Keith: I love you.
Elliot: I love you too.
Jordan: Wow, what the hell was that?
Elliot: I finally told Keith I loved him.
Jordan: Now that you've said what he wants hear, he doesn't have to work for it. It's like when guys are really trying to sleep with you. When you finally give it up, there are no more flowers. Next thing you know, it's 20 years later, and you're standing over him while he sleeps, your third Martini in one hand and a steak knife in the other. And sure, he's taking his sleeping pills, so you can slice his arm open a little bit without waking him up. But it's not satisfying, and you know why? Because you've lost the power. Hey Per-Per! Did you figure out what happened to your arm?
Dr. Cox: Nope.
Jordan: Phew.
Elliot: Yes, phew.

Jordan: What took you so long? I need a drink!
Dr. Cox: I'm so sorry, sweetheart, I was just with this super-rude patient whose heart kept stopping. He's dead now, but darn it all he should have known that my ex-wife was down here jonesing for a Cosmo.
Jordan: [v.o.] He is so getting cut again, tonight.

Elliot: Alrighty, Trish, I'm off to the movies with my boyfriend, who doesn't treat me any differently even though I've already said I loved him.
Nurse: My name's not Trish.
Elliot: Oh, that's okay. It was for her benefit.
Keith: Hey, sweetie. Um, the guys are gonna play poker, is it okay if we skip the movie?
Elliot: Sure.
Keith: Oh, thanks, babe.
Jordan: [v.o.] Don't say anything. Let the dark side draw her in. Come on, come to mama.
Elliot: Jordan, teach me.
Jordan: Okay, it's simple. If he thinks it's okay to mess with you, you just mess with him.
Elliot: Done.
Jordan: [v.o.] Ah, it's so fun to screw with someone's relationships. And such a good practice for when my daughter grows up.