Turk: Todd, I'm talking about when that intern asked me about cardiovascular instabilities.
Todd: [v.o.] Turk's bummed. He definitely needs an high-five, but which one? Chin-up five? Tough-to-be-black five? Need-a-hug five? Need-a-tug five? Wait! What's he talking about? Okay, just take the last one he says and add a five, dude.
Turk: Oh, I don't know, it just all seems a little unfair.
Todd: Unfair five.
Turk: Thanks, mate. You always know the right thing to say.
Todd: I work hard on this.

Ted: Carla, can you pull a file for me?
Carla: Sorry, I need another five hours to put this box of needles away.
Ted: I don't get it.
Dr. Kelso: It's a slowdown, Ted. The nurses think they're being clever. Still treating patients, but with everything else moving more slowly. And why are you standing here doing nothing?
Janitor: I know this is a slowdown, but I can't really work any slower than I normally do, so I pretty much have to come to a complete stop. Now, if you're asking why I'm standing here, specifically, it's because I replaced that light bulb with a tanning bulb. I'm tired of being the only white guy at my mosque.

Turk: All I'm saying is, it's not right. The girl's only sixteen.
Dr. Green: Yeah, you know, I felt the same way until her mother's check cleared. Look, you're not even in my department, so maybe I'm missing something here, do you see any of your beeswax here? Because I sure as hell don't. Dr. Todd, do you see Dr. Turk's beeswax?
Todd: [v.o.] What the hell was he talking about?
Dr. Green: Todd, come. Look, I know your buddy thinks he's the bee's knees.
Todd: [v.o.] What is it with this dude and bees?
Dr. Green: But if he keeps poking his nose in my business, I will torch him with every other department head in this place. See how that helps his career.
Todd: Internal uh-oh five! Uh-oh!

Jordan: I think there's something wrong with me.
Dr. Cox: Now, that is the understatement of this still very young century. I may have screwed up Blonde Stick's relationship, and now I have this really weird feeling.
Dr. Cox: It's called guilt, you Vulcan. And why in the hell are you giving up relationship advice, anyway? What are you, Oprah?
[fantasy: Jordan hosts her own chat show:]
Jordan: Hi, everyone! We're back. We're talking with Barbara, a cancer survivor, who went on to form her own headscarf company. Tell us about that.
Barbara: When my hair fell out from the chemo...
Jordan: Not only is that a huge downer but scarves are tacky. Instead, how about I dance with a little girl who looks just like me? [dances] Right, look at us, we're like twins! Can you believe it?
[reality:]
Jordan: I would watch that show! Anyway, go fix this for me!

Ted: Carla needs to end this slow down but she won't listen to me. People rarely do. Would you talk to her?
Janitor: Yes! Nope, can't do it Ted. If you piss her off, she's gonna turn on you and I can't have her digging off the skeletons in my closet. Although, technically there won't be skeletons for 6 to 8 weeks, right now they're just dead badgers.

Dr. Kelso: What are you thinking, Ted?
Ted: [v.o.] I could jam this through the soft spot on his temple, then slit my wrists with it before anyone got in here to stop me.
Ted: The usual, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Well, you'd never do it. You don't have the guts.
Carla: If it's okay with you, we'll take that raise now.
Dr. Kelso: Okay, but in this little fantasy of yours, can I not have prostate problems anymore? I can't sleep more than forty minutes without needing to take a whiz.
Carla: Unfortunately for you, somebody left the invoice for the hospital needles on my desk. They are really undercharging you. So, either you shell out the extra twenty grand a month for our raises, or we call the needle company and it'll cost you twice that.
Dr. Kelso: Ted, are you responsible for this?
Ted: Please, sir I don't have the guts!
Ted: [v.o.] Oh, yeah! Suck it, bitch! I will murder you!

Jordan: I don't know why I messed with your head.
Elliot: [wakes up] Di- Di- Did you start talking? 'cause I should brush my teeth.
Jordan: At first I thought, I was just being mean, 'cause you know I enjoy the misery of others.
Elliot: It's not really a secret.
Jordan: Whenever I see someone in love, I just lose it and turn into an awful person.
Elliot: Give yourself a break, Jordan. Your parents were really mean to you.
Jordan: Here's the big secret: they weren't. They were actually very supportive. I don't know how this happened. Look, Elliot, I'm a woman in her very, very, very, late 30s, who has problems opening herself up to love. I hate being vulnerable. I still play mind games, Hell, to make Perry feel inadequate, sometimes I fake not having orgasms.
Elliot: Huh.
Jordan: The point is if you wanna be happy, you should never ever listen to me.
Elliot: You maybe also wanna say you're sorry?
Jordan: I do not.

Dr. Kelso: Now, Lloyd, given your past history as a dirtbag junkie, I have to ask: Did you take any of uncle Bob's needles?
Lloyd: No, sir. I don't use needles anymore.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, so you finally got clean?
Lloyd: Nope! Sign here.
Dr. Kelso: This is a straw, Lloyd.

Lloyd: Dr. Reid! I have a package for you. It's addressed to your home, but since you are here...
Elliot: Lloyd, I wanted that delivered to my house because it's private and it would be embarrassing for me to open it here at the hospital. [walks away]
Lloyd: We can't.
Ted: We have to.
Dr. Kelso: Wait. You're talking about opening someone else's mail. I think we should stop for a moment and consider the ethical implications here. [pulls of pen knife] All done.

Elliot: Keith? I'm home!
Ted: Hey, Dr. Reid. We accidentally opened your package, and felt so guilty we came by to install your "Slide & Glide stripper pole".
Elliot: How did you get in there?
Keith: Hot cookies, anyone!
Elliot: Keith?!
Keith: Do you know how hard it is to install those things? Just be grateful.
Lloyd: You guys are gonna love this!
Ted: Oh, yeah!
Keith: Why did he take off his shirt?
Elliot: I don't know, Keith.