Keith: Elliott, I know I was supposed to be sad at that funeral, but all I could think about was how lucky I am to have you in my life, you know?
Elliot: I'm sorry, I'm just not really in the mood for relationship talk.
Keith: Yeah, sure.
Elliot: And don't you dare remove that tie.
Keith: Let me guess. You wanna do some crazy sexual role-playing.
Elliot: No, I just never get the chance to see you in a suit, that's all.
Keith: Elliot?
Elliot: Fine. I'm a trailor-trashy popstar who rarely wears underwear, and you're one of my backup dancers who's not quite sure about his sexuality, yet.
Keith: No, I don't wanna do Britney and K-Fed anymore. Ever since the divorce it's too sad.
Elliot: Okay, you're one of Rhode Island's top defense attorneys, and I have just hired you because I killed my husband in an argument over my addiction to painkillers.
Keith: Got it.

Elliot: Oh, what's up your caboodle?
Carla: Caboodle?
Elliot: Oh, it's a new word I'm trying out to replace "ass". I have loose morals and I'm living in sin, so still hoping that not being a potty mouth will get me into heaven.

J.D.: You know, if we learned sign language we could talk in the movies without Carla yelling at us.
Turk: But it's so dark how could we see what we're signing?
J.D.: We'd get special glow-in-the-dark signing gloves.
Turk: Yeah, but then the popcorn butter would get all over the gloves.
J.D.: Why do you keep poking holes in this? We'd cut off the fingertips!

J.D.: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: What?! What now? What does somebody need now?
J.D.: Our deaf patient's father won't sign a consent form so he can have a cochlear implant.
Dr. Cox: Hmm. Who could you possibly go to if the father won't sign? Here's a hint. It begins with an "m", and ends with an "r".
Janitor: Marg Helgenberger!
Dr. Cox: The mother. Get the mother to sign it. The mother will sign it.
Turk: The mother.
J.D.: I told you.
Janitor: I'm glad it's not Marg. We did not end well. Hell hath no fury like a Helgenberger scorned.

Elliot: Keith.
Keith: What, Elliot?
Elliot: How can I say this? Llook, I once had a dog named Precious, he was a great Dane, and I loved him so much. I mean, even after he disemboweled old lady Morgan's cat. Seriously, he like slit her right down the middle, and threw her up in the air, and then the guts just flew out of her like shiny red fireworks. Precious was such a sweet dog and then one day, out of the blue, he bit me. And I knew that my dad would have him put down, so I said that I was bitten by Mrs. Morgan's bulldog which, ironically enough, she had gotten to replace the murdered cat. Anyway, they came and took the bulldog away and I never said a word. To this day, I wish I'd spoken up before it was too late. Do you know what I'm saying?
Keith: Not even a little.
Elliot: I love you, Keith. I really do. Gotta go, see ya.
Keith: Elliot, come here.

J.D.: [v.o.] Today was Laverne's funeral. But Dr. Cox was having more trouble adjusting to his new baby's name.
Jordan: What's wrong with Jennifer Dylan?
Dr. Cox: You named our daughter J.D.!
[elsewhere, at the church hosting Nurse Roberts' funeral:]
J.D.: [singing] It's a beautiful morning!
Carla: J.D.!
J.D.: Sorry, I was thinking about something else.

J.D.: [v.o.] The music was so perfect that for a moment it made us all happy. Well, most of us.
Ted: I'll tell you why they sound that good, Roy, because they show up for practice.

Minister: Let us live like she lived. And don't be afraid to open your heart to those that are dear to you, Amen?
All: Amen.
Minister: And always make sure that you put yourself in other people shoes before you judge them, is that all right?
All: That's right.
Minister: And no matter how busy life gets I want you to take 20 minutes everyday for yourself, so you can reflect on who you are as one of God's children, Amen?
All: Amen.
Minister: I love you and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Thank you for coming.
[The choir sings Amazing Grace]
J.D.: [v.o.] It was weird because even though we were all caught up in that moment, once we got to work we fell right back in our routines.

J.D.: Turk, she's back.
Turk: Oh, my God. Tammy Two Toes.
Carla: So that's it? One second we're mourning Laverne and the next you're making up ridiculous nicknames?
Turk: Baby, what am I supposed to call her? Her name is Tammy and she's got two toes!
Carla: I hate this. Everybody is moving on as if Laverne was never even here.
Turk: Babe?
J.D.: It's like her feet are giving me the peace sign.

Lonnie: Dr. Cox.?
Dr. Kelso: You might wanna knock, he's in an imaginary glass bubble.
[After Lonnie knocks on the imaginary glass, Dr. Cox lifts a hatch open]
Dr. Cox: What?
Lonnie: I need help with a patient.
Dr. Cox: Twenty minutes.
Lonnie: Hey, how long does it take for an old woman to bleed to death?
Dr. Cox: [groans, kicks open glass door]