J.D.: [v.o.] I still had the post funeral blues so I pulled out my secret weapon to bribe Turk into hanging out with me.
Turk: I'm gonna get that sour ball today, right?
J.D.: If I give it up right away, you won't respect me.

J.D.: Hello, Mr. Frances, when did your son start having stomach pains? Oh, I'm sorry. You're deaf, it's okay. It's all right, will you help me to communicate with your dad? Oh, you're deaf, too. What are the odds? I'm a doctor, I should probably know that.
Turk: Here, I'll just write the questions down. Give me a pen.
J.D.: I don't have a pen, my pockets are empty.
Turk: Except for the sour ball.
J.D.: Turk, there never was a sour ball.
Turk: I knew that, I just didn't wanna believe it.
Mr. Frances: [signs: "My lip reading really is horrible, because they couldn't be talking about sour balls while there is a sick child in the room."]

Turk: Dr. Cox.
J.D.: Do you know sign language?
Dr. Cox: I know just one sign. It means leave me alone for 20 minutes or die painfully.

Turk: I'm calling personnel. There's gotta be someone in this hospital who does sign language.
[later:]
Janitor: Doctors.
J.D.: Get outta here!
Turk: Yeah, get the heck out of here.
J.D.: You don't know how to sign.
Janitor: [signs: "How are you doing Mr. Frances? I'm here to help these nimrods communicate with you."]

Keith: Elliot. Look, I know this weekend is our one year anniversary, but my college buddy Donnie is in Vegas and he wants me to fly out.
Elliot: Coolio.
Keith: Alright.
Ted: Are you for real?
Doug: That's a trick, right?! I mean, when he comes back from Vegas, you're gonna tear him a new one.
Elliot: No. With Keith, I've decided I'm gonna be the best girlfriend ever. If that means skipping some silly anniversary, that's fine. If it means, having some crazy sex and then running off without cuddling to go meet the fellas for a beer, great!
Dr. Mickhead: I might cry.
Ted: Man, if you were just 40 years older.

J.D.: Hey, check this out. Not only does our deaf kid only have a mild case of gastroenteritis, they just faxed me his medical history. His condition is congenital. They tried a hearing aid with no results, but I think he's a perfect candidate for cochlear implant. I think we could make this kid hear.
Turk: Dude, that's amazing.
J.D.: Can you teach me how to sign "I think we can fix your son's hearing?"
Janitor: Or I can just tell him.
J.D.: I think it's best if he hears from a doctor.
Janitor: No, you just want the glory. Are you really that emotionally needy?
J.D.: Have we not met?
Janitor: Ah, you're right. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. Look, why don't we we go in there and split the glory three ways, ok? Let's go. The three doctors!

J.D.: [v.o.] Or something as big as finding out your relationship isn't going as well as you thought.
Elliot: Hey, Keith, can you pass me a fake sugar.
Keith: Elliot, this relationship isn't working for me.
Elliot: Well, that sucks caboodle.

Keith: Elliot, I don't have a friend in Vegas, okay? That was a test to see if you even care about our anniversary. Obviously you don't.
Elliot: Why are you trying to mess up a good thing?
Keith: Oh, so now my feelings don't count?
Elliot: Look, I- [notices Dr. Kelso sitting down at their table] Sir, can I help you here?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, you already are, sweetheart. I forgot to bring my paper down here but this gabfest is just delicious. So, go on. You were talking about your relationship, only it was like: he's the chick and you're the dude!

Keith: All you think about is sex, sex, sex.
Elliot: Ah, here we go nag, nag, nag.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, you nagger!
Snoop Dogg Resident: What'd you just call him, you punk ass?
Dr. Kelso: A nagger.
Snoop Dogg Resident: Okay, we're cool!

Elliot: You know what? I mean, if I really had deep feelings for Keith, I would have told him by now. Maybe it is time to move on.
Carla: Oh, that's a bunch of crap.
Elliot: Excuse me?!
Carla: You're a chicken. In the last six years, I've seen you get really close to one guy, and that was J.D., and he crushed you. And since then, you've been so scared of getting hurt I've seen you sabotage every relationship you've been in. Honestly, you must be crazy about Keith to let him have survived this long. But don't worry, you'll be alone again, soon enough.
Elliot: You know, Carla, sometimes you can be a real caboodle-hole.