Elliot: Lady, are these your roots I'm seeing? Is this your natural color?
Lady: No, I'm actually a redhead.
Elliot: Well, I'm just gonna grab a sip of my drink. I touched it, it's all over me!
Jordan: Go take a shower.
Elliot: Thank you.

Dr. Cox: Nice hat. Does it come in a human size?
Jordan: Shut up.

J.D.: A hungry seabird pooed on my shirt.
Elliot: Go get a new one from the gift shop, you're gonna miss it.
J.D.: Do you think they sell this shirt?
Elliot: Oh, you're an idiot.

Turk: Wait, baby.
Carla: What?
Turk: It's the mermaid.
Carla: Then what doesn't she have a tail?
Turk: Because she's on land. [Turk squeaks like a mermaid]
Carla: Oh my god, this is the father of my child.

Van: Come on, come on. We're waiting. Come on. Alright, I am not a strong public speaker, nor am I that familiar with the Bible, so we will do what we can. Now, if you're excited, for our wedding today, let me hear you say wooh! Just like that, it's fun if you throw your shoulders back. Wooh! Try throwing your shoulders back.
Janitor: We're not gonna do that.
Van: Okay, doesn't want to do that. Here we go. These guys are getting married today. And as a special treat, they thought it would be nice if you all stood, and they were to sit. So, shall we?

Van: Marriage is a dead institution. It hasn't worked for me. It hasn't worked for anybody in my family. But there are certain signposts you can follow. You know, to try and make the best of it. Try not to yell at each other, it's always a great idea. Don't share any money. Always sound, sound advice. Never strike each other above the shoulders. From here down. From here down for hitting.
J.D.: [v.o.] Even though it was a wedding, none of us were caught up in the romance of the moment. In fact before we knew it-
Van: Don't share cars. You'll find that it always has the other person stink on it. You can't get that stuff off your shirt, you're gonna live with it for the rest of your life. You don't want it when you're driving to work, you know?

J.D.: [v.o.] Before we knew it, we were already here.
Van: Okay, do you, Ladania Williams, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Lady: I do.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my God. We were gonna find out the janitor's name.
Van: And you...
Todd: [high fives his professor] What? It's 4:37. "High tide" five.
J.D.: [v.o.] Damn it!
Van: It's alright. We'll just start again. No biggie. And do you-
Ted: Ow! That was off the burn!
Van: You know what we'll do? We'll just say this. Do you take this lady to be your lawfully wedded lady? Of course you do. Look at her. Looks like a ladybug. Can I just touch right there for?
Janitor: You're done. Out. Terrible job. Good luck.

Dr. Kelso: What time does that wedding start?
Dr. Cox: Classic stuff Bob.

Jordan: Hey, everything I do is more fun if you're doing it with me.
Dr. Cox: Was that so hard?
Jordan: Yes.
Dr. Cox: Oh, really?
[Dr. Cox lifts Jordan up and carries her to the pool]
Jordan: What are you doing? What are you doing? Don't! Don't!
Dr. Cox: I love you.
Jordan: I love you.

Bartender: Hey Bob, you've been sitting here for three days, now. Why don't you get up and go see this beautiful island, man?
Dr. Kelso: You're right.
[Kelso walks away from the beach bar and goes inside a bar]
Dr. Kelso: I'll have a Bahama Mama, please. This is a beautiful place.