Dr. Cox: I gotta get rid of this Maddox. Honest to God, she is... Why aren't you listening to me?
Jordan: Because of that.
[Causally dressed Dr. Kelso and Janitor are seated at another table]
Dr. Kelso: That scone looks good.
Janitor: Oh, yeah? [feeds Kelso the scone]
Jordan: We should have sex later.
Dr. Cox: How did you get from that image to that thought?
Jordan: I'll tell you tonight. Just bring home a scone and a Hawaiian shirt. Mmm, mama's heating up!

Elliot: You're lying to us. You took the red pill, you can see colors.
J.D.: You know, I'm sick and tired of lowlifes like you trying to come here and squirt pain medication off of us, okay? You make us care and then because you're worried we're gonna see through your little plan, you don't even laugh at our jokes.
Mr. Rosell: Actually, the Interferon joke was sort of funny.
J.D.: You're damn right it was, Pat! Okay? But this time, no one's getting off easy. My cousin is a cop. And not a good cop either, a rogue cop.
Elliot: Christine, it's you, isn't it?
J.D.: Hold on- Hold on, Elliot. You ever watched The Shield, Pat? Do you happen to get FX, Pat? Because you're gonna get Michael Chicklised in the head. He's the orange guy in Fantastic Four. That's coming down on ya!
Elliot: J.D., look at her hand. It's in spasm. You're the one with MS, right?
Christine: I don't have any insurance and my dad just thought that since he did-
Mr. Rosell: Look, we'll go, alright? If you, uh, could just not tell anyone, we'd be very grateful.
J.D.: [v.o.] Elliot and I knew what we had to do.
J.D.: Okay, Pat. You have MS and you're not leaving here until you get your medication.
Mr. Rosell: Thank you.

Carla: Do you even know what people are calling you around here?
Katie: I know, I don't care.
Carla: Because I wrote the worst one on this piece of paper.
Katie: "Sausages, sausages and more sausages"?
Carla: It's actually Turk's grocery list. But you do care, don't you? Katie, if you keep going down this road, eventually, people will come after you.

Carla: Katie, what you don't realize-
Janitor: What are we doing here? Are you setting us straight?
Carla: I'm trying to! Look, Katie, we don't realize-
Janitor: May I cut in?
Carla: Go ahead.
Janitor: My rules for getting by here are the same as my rules for getting by in Mexico. One, don't drink the water. Two, party till you drop. Three, everything is negotiable.

J.D.: Elliot, I'm trying to talk to you about Maddox and how we can't work the system anymore.
Dr. Cox: Correction: You can't work the system anymore. I, can. For instance, I just got Mr. Tillman back there into a clinical trial that has a cut-off age of 30. He's actually 35. But if anyone asks Mr. Tillman, you're how old?
Mr. Tilman: 35!
Dr. Cox: I forgot to mention that it is a clinical trial for head injuries.
J.D.: Ah, he hurt his head.
Dr. Cox: The point is, that I'm still able to give top-notch care to my patients, whereas you, are not.
Mr. Tilman: 35!
Dr. Cox: You know why? I am a much, much better doctor than you.

Elliot: [to Johan] Ooh, look at that big lollipop! I wouldn't know whether I'll lick it or that it'd just lift up my skirt and spank myself with it.
J.D.: Elliot!
Elliot: It's free candy!

Elliot: Look at you, watching over the I.C.U. like a proud lioness looking out over her jungle.
Carla: Elliot, stop.
Elliot: Oh, my God, that wasn't a real stop, that was a "keep going because I'm actually loving this stop", wasn't it?
Carla: Maybe.
Elliot: I never got one of these before! This is so exciting! I'm gonna leave before I ruin it.

J.D.: Mr. Rosell took the red pill.
Elliot: Yeah, we told him to.
J.D.: If he can't see colors, how did he know which one is red? He's just another addict scamming us for meds.
Elliot: Frick on a stick!

Dr. Maddox: Looking for something?
Dr. Cox: Yes, my cloak of invisibility, so that I can avoid conversations with soul-less dictators such as yourself. Unfortunately, it's really hard to find, because as the name suggests, it's invisible.
Dr. Maddox: Alright, Dr. Cox. Ridiculous name, by the way. If you're looking for your patient Mr. Tillman, my guess is he's probably in a bus somewhere, screaming, "35!" See, I bounced him from his head trauma trial because I learned that somebody was lying about his age. Hmm. See ya!

Dr. Kelso: Donny, do my free muffins per wife include scones?
Donny: [o.s.] Nope.
Dr. Kelso: Damn you, God!