Carla: So, how you holding up?
Janitor: Cleaning's an art. My mop was my paintbrush.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh no, it's the first time I've seen the janitor since he was fired. I have to seem like I care. Think of the saddest thing you can. Turk's dead, Turk's dead, Turk's dead, Turk's de- Oh, my God! What if something really happened to him? I'd be lost! Stop thinking like that. Turk's fine! Turk's fine, Turk's fine, Turk's fine, Turk's fine!
Carla: J.D.! The janitor got fired.
Janitor: No, it's okay. He knows, he just doesn't care. See, in his mind, I'm the bad guy in our relationship, even though if he stopped to think about it for a minute, he would realize I never did a thing to him that he didn't deserve.
J.D.: You locked me in a water tower.
Janitor: You wrote on the wall.
J.D.: You destroyed my scooter, Sasha.
Janitor: You know I hate Wednesdays.
J.D.: You haunted my pediatric patients.
Janitor: You didn't wear the shorts that my imaginary wife made for you.

Dr. Cox: I am getting rid of Maddox. Who's in?
Janitor: I'm in. Ever since she fired me, I've been moping around my apartment, making barking sounds. I-I'm not crazy, I just need some human interaction and the barking makes the neighbors yell, "Shut the damn thing up!" Then I can go over there with a bottle of scotch and apologize for Rusty, my imaginary Akita. The only downside is that by the time Lady, my girlfriend, gets home, I'm too drunk to talk to her. Much less make love. You've never pictured me as an organism that has sex, have you?
Dr. Cox: We have not.
Dr. Kelso: No.
Janitor: I understand.

Dr. Cox: Ah, yeah. This Maddox is a damn sketchy. I guarantee you will find something in these files.
Janitor: Hurry up, man, I don't wanna get busted!
Dr. Cox: Now listen there, Great Ape, I only invited you to help me because it had never dawned on me that you'd get all panicky over a little breaking-and-entering.
Janitor: Actually, I'm not. See, this stuff has become so mundane to me that I've created a character who's terrified about going back to prison. And through him, I hope to feel once again, the old rush.
Dr. Cox: You carry on.
Janitor: Good. 'cause I can't go back there, man! Not after what they did to Johnny. Oh, Johnny, he was the best. I wish you'd known him. Those guards worked him over good. They shanked him with a shiv. And they shivved him with a shank. All for a pack of smokes. Johnny, you were too beautiful for this world, man. Hope you're king in the next! Johnny! Johnny.

Dr. Cox: How are we gonna get rid of Maddox? Janitor, would you like to get your useless ideas out of the way first?
Janitor: Well, thank you, Perry. Of the top of my head, I'd go reindeer stampede. Astronaut attack, barbed-wire chandelier, Photoshop, poisonous sushi.
Dr. Cox: When you said "Photoshop", did you mean use Photoshop to create an incriminating picture?
Janitor: No. I meant we build an actual photo shop. Or a chain of photo shops. We each manage one. We let time pass. Eventually, Maddox has to have her film developed. She comes in, we all hop out, yell, "Surprise!" and beat her to death with pool cues.
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and apologize because it's my fault that we're back-tracking.
Janitor: It's okay. I'm not mad.

Dr. Kelso: You want Maddox gone? Just tell me you miss me.
Dr. Cox: Fine. But I can't do it in front of people. Everybody out! Go!
Dr. Kelso: Actually, I think I'm going to need Dr. Reid and Dr. Dorian here to bear witness.
Dr. Cox: Barbie, Newbie, back in.
Elliot: Calm down, there's like 23 people back in that supply closet.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then we saw something amazing. Dr. Cox said something nice to Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Cox: When you were the chief, you were a jackass and a nightmare and I hated you in great deal.
Dr. Kelso: That's a good start.
Dr. Cox: But I always sensed... Well, I always sensed that you were burdened by the job. And that it wasn't necessarily who you were as a person. And, every once in a while, you showed a shed of humanity. Plus, you did manage to look the other way a couple of times. That was pretty good. So for all that stuff, Bob, yeah, I miss you.
Dr. Kelso: Thank you.
Dr. Cox: You're welcome.

Carla: Look, Katie, I've seen all kinds of people come through this place. Tall, short, gay, straight, smart, weird The point is, this childish, self-centered attitude you keep throwing everyone's way is nothing new.
Katie: You know what's really driving me crazy? You keep acting like you know me.
Carla: Don't bother with the sob story. I've been here a long time, I've heard it all before.
Katie: Really? Because my dad died when I was six, and to cope, my mom drank herself through most of my childhood. No one ever did anything for me. I've always had to do it for myself.
Carla: [downbeat] Oh, Katie.
Katie: I know.
Carla: [upbeat] Heard it! Me, dead mom. J.D., dead dad. Elliot, emotionally abusive parents. Dr. Cox, emotionally and physically abusive dead parents, which he may have killed. No one's sure. Look, Katie, now that you're here It doesn't matter what crap you have in your past. All that matters is that you leave it there. Because this hospital is your home now and these people are your family. And I can tell you they will love you unconditionally if you let them. But if you don't, they... Check that. We will eat you alive.

J.D.: [v.o.] With all the bureaucracy in the hospital, sometimes you have to bend the rules to help a patient. Unfortunately, the new Chief of Medicine didn't like it and she was everywhere. Patient rooms...
Dr. Maddox: What you doing, rock star?
J.D.: Uh, nothing, I'm just, uh...
[J.D. taps on the window of his patient room to alert Carla to Dr. Maddox, who is looking over her shoulder]
Dr. Maddox: That's not right!
J.D.: [v.o.] Work stations.
Carla: You need to wear a bell.
J.D.: [v.o.] Even the O.R.
J.D.: Thanks for letting me observe, fellas.
[fantasy: Dr. Maddox's face appears in the patient's surgical cavity:]
Dr. Maddox: Come on, you got five more surgeries today. Tumor's down by his bean bags!
J.D.: We should probably take that out.

J.D.: It's like, all of a sudden, this hospital is a police state.
Elliot: I mean, next thing you know, they're gonna be charging doctors for candy at the gift shop.
J.D.: They do charge doctors for candy at the gift shop, Elliot.
Elliot: Really? Then, why does Johann always let me-
J.D.: Because he wants to make you his wife and bring you back to Estonia.
Elliot: Ah, that's why he's always asking me if I'm comfortable around oxen.

Elliot: The butt-kissing isn't even the worst part. I feel like Katie will do anything to get ahead, you know. I'm this close to freezing her out. Just like I did Dr. Simmons.
Carla: Yeah, what would you do with her?
Elliot: Hello, she wears the exact same thing as me every day. Yeah, we're talking about you, skank!
Dr. Simmons: Nice dress!
Elliot: Veronica, I have no idea how are you doing this! But I will find out.

Elliot: Okay Mr. Rosell, let's get you on in some Interferon.
J.D.: So it can start interferring with that pesky MS of yours.
Mr. Rosell: Are you making fun of my multiple sclerosis?
J.D.: Sorry, I'm just trying to lighten the moment. It won't happen again, I promise.
J.D.: [v.o.] Interferon sounds like the name of a robot that always gets in the way.