Elliot: Look, J.D., we all have low moments in our lives. I mean, in high school I had this amazing teacher, Mr. Higgins, and he was funny, and inspiring. I mean, he was like a second father to me. And then, one day I found out that he was sleeping with his students, and I was crushed. I mean, why not me? You know, and it wasn't my lazy eye, because that was fixed by prom. Anyway, eventually I realized that your troubles don't seem so bad if you just stop talking about them all the time.

Turk: I can't lie to a patient 'cause Dr. Kelso wants me to.
Dr. Cox: See that guy in there? He has pancreatic cancer. Now, you and I both know he's a goner. But if he was to come out here and ask if he has hope, what am I supposed to say? "No"?
Turk: So you're saying I should lie?
Dr. Cox: Of course not. See... See that guy over there? Now, the only way he's ever gonna walk again is if he goes through years of painful physical therapy, but if he was to come over here and ask me "Is it gonna be hard?", I'd tell him "Damn skippy, it's gonna be hard!". Gandhi, you've got to tell your patients the truth. Now is that brain of yours starting to hurt? It should, because it's not as large as a normal size brain. Listen carefully: Kelso lies selfishly and indiscriminately. You, you gotta draw your own lie. This is half an Ibuprofen. It is the perfect dose for your pea-size brain. Take it after I leave, you'll save yourself the embarrassment.

Janitor: Hey. Have fun the next couple days, I'm going on vacation.
J.D.: And you're taking a mop?
Janitor: Yeah, it's a custodial cruise. Pretty cool, huh? Check this out. It's really a great package for guys like me.
Guests have the option of cleaning their own rooms. Where else you gonna get that? There's a shuffleboard with little urinal cakes, instead of the discs. That's funny! No way! Special appearance by Pat Harrington, Schneider from One Day at A Time Ha-ha! He's gonna be there signing work boots!
J.D.: There going to be any chicks there?
Janitor: No maids allowed. You know how janitors feel about maids.
J.D.: I do now.
Janitor: Anyway, Todd and Ted are gonna get 20 bucks from me to tape you to the ceiling of the cafeteria, tomorrow. And I'm telling you this because I figure you're already zoned out and stopped listening to me, am I right?
J.D.: [v.o.] I don't know what the janitor had said, but I feel like things are looking up. He's leaving. Plus, I have friends who are more than happy to be there for me.

J.D.: Brown bear, thanks for spending much time with me lately. I just feel my whole life's in the crapper.
Turk: Nah, man, you'll turn this around.
J.D.: There goes Buzz and Donna, off to the marriage counselor. Buzz feels inadequate because he lost his job at Foot Locker. Now he's dingle on one work.
Turk: I should not have given you the spy equipment for your birthday.
J.D.: Are you kidding me? I need it, so I know when I can sneak over and use the can. And by the way, I'm using the front bathroom now, because it has a hook on the door so I can hang up my pants.
Turk: Hah! You finally started listening to me?
J.D.: You're right, my friend. Man is the only animal that wears pants during twosies.
Turk: It's so unnatural.

Dr. Cox: [smiling] Newbie's test result came back. He's got vasovagal syncope.
Carla: And that makes you happy?
Dr. Cox: If he's vigorously valsalvic, he can activate his reflex and actually lose consciousness. Carla, he'll pass out when he poops! [laughs]
[elsewhere, Buzz and Donna stand over a trouser-less J.D. who passed out on their bathroom floor:]
J.D.: Buzz, Donna, how was counseling? Would one of you mind handing me my chinos? [whispers] Turk, I need help.
[On J.D.'s half-acre, Turk uses the spy equipment:]
Turk: Buzz is mad!

Dr. Kelso: Hiya, my name is Bob Kelso and I like whores. Now, why don't I introduce myself like that? Because there is a time and a place for the truth. Now, you take Dorian's intern, Brandon, for example. He told his patient that it was the first time he was performing a spinal tap. And what did the patient do, doctor?
J.D.: Ah, well, uh, she- she started to hyperventilate a-a-and then she reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank. It turned to be a helium container from pediatrics, then she screamed, [high-pitched] "I'll kill you bitches!" Which, frankly, we all thought was hilarious.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, and indeed it was. But you know what wasn't? When she ran for the door, tripped, and fell, and broke her femur. Now she's suing the hospital. And since Ted is our lawyer, what's going to happen?
Ted: Girlfriend's gonna get paid!

Turk: Okay, I've been taking care of J.D. all week. It's now up to one of you guys. Go ahead, honey, use your new go-to-excuse.
Carla: I can't. I have a baby.
Elliot: Hey, i have responsibilities, too, ok? I mean, Keith and I are still in a stage of our relationship where I don't hate having sex with him, and I would like to keep that going.
Turk: Elliot, I spent the last ten years getting J.D. through breakups and emotional spirals.
Elliot: I had to have sex with him, you ever have to do that?
Nurse Roberts: Well, I'll say y'all step outside and handle this like we used to, back in my day.
Elliot: Muskets?

J.D.: You know what else sucks about my life? Now even my neighbors are screwing my head.
[flashback to a police officer walking up to J.D.'s deck:]
Police Officer: You called about a wolf?
J.D.: A wolf? No.
Police Officer: Someone called 911 on that phone claiming there's a wolf in this yard.
J.D.: This has "Buzz" written all over it. He's upset with me, but he won't talk about it because his peep won't perform.
Buzz: He pooped in our house!
[present:]
J.D.: I don't know why he can't get past that.

Turk: What the hell is "TheToddTime.com"?
Todd: Log on and thank me later. Cyber-five! [they high-five] Sent!

J.D.: [v.o.] And yeah, my life was still in the crapper, but it felt good to finally deal with it on my own.
Janitor: Okay, he bought the fake cruise. If he calls the cops now, nobody's coming. Time for phase three of Operation Boy Who Cried Wolf. Now, Jason, we've worked on this all week, right? Here's what you're thinking: I'm lost in the city. I'm hungry! And this is the guy who killed my mom with a snow-mobile! [wolf howls] Make me believe it. Go! [The Janitor screams as the wolf attacks him] Bad wolfie! Bad wolfie! Not in the face! Not in the face! Wrong guy!
J.D.: [v.o.] Yeah, things were finally looking up.