Elliot: Look, J.D., we all have low moments in our lives. I mean, in high school I had this amazing teacher, Mr. Higgins, and he was funny, and inspiring. I mean, he was like a second father to me. And then, one day I found out that he was sleeping with his students, and I was crushed. I mean, why not me? You know, and it wasn't my lazy eye, because that was fixed by prom. Anyway, eventually I realized that your troubles don't seem so bad if you just stop talking about them all the time.

Turk: I can't lie to a patient 'cause Dr. Kelso wants me to.
Dr. Cox: See that guy in there? He has pancreatic cancer. Now, you and I both know he's a goner. But if he was to come out here and ask if he has hope, what am I supposed to say? "No"?
Turk: So you're saying I should lie?
Dr. Cox: Of course not. See... See that guy over there? Now, the only way he's ever gonna walk again is if he goes through years of painful physical therapy, but if he was to come over here and ask me "Is it gonna be hard?", I'd tell him "Damn skippy, it's gonna be hard!". Gandhi, you've got to tell your patients the truth. Now is that brain of yours starting to hurt? It should, because it's not as large as a normal size brain. Listen carefully: Kelso lies selfishly and indiscriminately. You, you gotta draw your own lie. This is half an Ibuprofen. It is the perfect dose for your pea-size brain. Take it after I leave, you'll save yourself the embarrassment.

Janitor: Hey. Have fun the next couple days, I'm going on vacation.
J.D.: And you're taking a mop?
Janitor: Yeah, it's a custodial cruise. Pretty cool, huh? Check this out. It's really a great package for guys like me.
Guests have the option of cleaning their own rooms. Where else you gonna get that? There's a shuffleboard with little urinal cakes, instead of the discs. That's funny! No way! Special appearance by Pat Harrington, Schneider from One Day at A Time Ha-ha! He's gonna be there signing work boots!
J.D.: There going to be any chicks there?
Janitor: No maids allowed. You know how janitors feel about maids.
J.D.: I do now.
Janitor: Anyway, Todd and Ted are gonna get 20 bucks from me to tape you to the ceiling of the cafeteria, tomorrow. And I'm telling you this because I figure you're already zoned out and stopped listening to me, am I right?
J.D.: [v.o.] I don't know what the janitor had said, but I feel like things are looking up. He's leaving. Plus, I have friends who are more than happy to be there for me.