Carla: So, how's Keith?
Keith: Carla. Pig whore.
Elliot: Better actually. It used to be "Stupid Pig Whore". It's only been a few days and he's already dropped an adjective.
Carla: Wow! Maybe by the weekend you'll just be "whore".

Elliot: Carla, which resident ordered a CAT scan on Mr. Hirsch last night?
Keith: That would be me, Pig Whore, it's all in the notes. Oh, can't Pig Whore read?
Dr. Kelso: Ah, Pig-Whore Reid! See, your last name is Reid, so it works two ways.

J.D.: Sorry, you gonna answer me or not?
Turk: Come on, man. You know why you almost screwed things up with Kim, don't make me say it.
J.D.: Fine. The harsh truth rule is in effect. I'll lay a harsh truth on you, so when you lay one on me, you won't feel guilty.
Turk: J.D., we don't even-
J.D.: When you sweat a lot, you smell like eggs.
Turk: That's not even true! Did Carla tell you to say that?
J.D.: No, why, did she think that too?
Turk: No.

Turk: All right, fine. You wanna know why you almost blew it with Kim? It's because your knocked her up on your first date, and before you could get to know her, she betrayed you. Now you don't have strong feelings for her and the only reason why you guys are still together is because there's a kid involved. Which means you're gonna stick it out with her till the end whether you love her or not.
J.D.: I don't know man, I don't think that's true. I don't think it's about her. I think it's about me. I have sabotaged every relationship I've ever been in. Look at it. Molebutt, Tina Two-Kids, Rumplefugly, Gift Shop Girl.
Turk: None of those girls were good for you anyway. Well, except for Molebutt.

Dr. Cox: Lyme disease and how on Earth could I possibly have figured out such a tough diagnosis so darn quickly? Because I'm that good. One more time for emphasis. I'm that good. [quietly cheers] Now, I'm gonna have this incredibly fun-sized intern give you quick body-check for tick bites. Tip-toes?
Mr. Hutnik: Oh, she-she's cute.
Dr. Cox: And once she has found the telltale bullseye shaped mark we'll be able to start treating you. How does that sound, Mr. Hutnik?
Mr. Hutnik: Please call me, Joe.

Dr. Cox: Gotta get that guy out of here.
Turk: Why? Is he a jerk?
Dr. Cox: No, I... I think I like him.
Dr. Kelso: What smells like eggs?
Turk: Nothing sir, you're imagining. What's wrong with liking a patient?
Dr. Cox: I'm not you. I don't get to introduce myself to patients, do a minor surgery, recommend a good mortician to family and then just be on my way. I have to treat people, and If I like them well, that makes me wanna work harder much harder. Really who has time for that, right?

Dr. Kelso: Seriously, am I having a stroke or is someone making an omelette?

Elliot: Hey, Keith.
Keith: You came to your house while I'm packing all my stuff, even though you promised not to be here. Awesome.
Elliot: Well, you know you can't take my word. I mean, I also promised to marry you last Saturday, right? Right? [laughs] I know too soon. I'm sorry. But, come on. We loved too-soon jokes. Come on now. Let's see the chuckle Ah, here it comes. I think I see it bubbling up! Do not make me start laughing. Because you know that if I start laugh... You start! [laughing] Okay, you know what, this is why was so easy to walk out on you.

J.D.: So, I finally figured out what's wrong with me.
Dr. Cox: You're an annoying, whiny man-child.
J.D.: I'm a self-saboteur. And not just in relationships. In everything. But you know what? I'm done with all that. I'm not gonna shoot myself in the foot anymore.
Dr. Cox: What is it, funsize?
Josephine: [very high-pitched] I checked Mr. Hotneck all over, but I couldn't find a tick bite.
J.D.: Oh, my God.
Dr. Cox: I gotta go figure this out. I can't believe it. Oh, and by the way, you have a ridiculous speaking voice.

Dr. Cox: Gumball, I honestly don't know what to do next.
Dr. Kelso: I do.
J.D.: [v.o.] Some phrases stink, no matter how the're said. They can be barked by a sworn enemy.
Janitor: Get the hell out of here!
J.D.: [v.o.] Or hissed by a jilted ex stealing a lamp.
Keith: Elliot, just get the hell out of here!
J.D.: [v.o.] Or even plainly stated in a veteran doctor's soothing tone.
Josephine: [high-pitched] Goodbye everybody, I'll see you tomorrow!
J.D.: [v.o.] Not her!
Dr. Kelso: Fellas, if his symptoms have subsided and you can't find an underlying cause, his insurance won't cover. You have to tell Mr. Hutnik to get the hell out of here.