Dr. Cox: Had to be done.
Pete: OK, terrific. Grown-ups tackle each other all the time. Look, I can't change what already happened. But believe me, I never meant to come between you and anyone.
J.D.: [v.o.] Watching Dr. Cox and Pete fight over me was... Oh, hell, I'll say it. It was awesome.
Dr. Cox: You went ahead and took something that did not belong to you.
J.D.: [v.o.] That seemed a little possessive, but I'm flattered.
Dr. Cox: Worse than that, you did it knowing full well exactly how I felt about her.
J.D.: [v.o.] Ah, he just wouldn't be Dr. Cox if he didn't refer to me as a her.
Pete: Hey, for what it's worth, I didn't make the first move.
J.D.: That's a lie. You bought me a latte. Hey, guys.

Carla: I'm hideous. I can't even get Todd to make a sex joke. Watch this. Hey, Todd, I'm all out of extra-long tongue depressors. Do you happen to have one for me?
Todd: Sorry, Carla, I'm all out.
Elliot: How did he not say, "In my pants?"
Carla: Oh, God. I don't know what is so different about me since I got engaged? [takes ring off]
Todd: Wait. I found one. It's not made of wood, but give me a minute. [Carla puts ring on] Hey, have you checked Mr. Oberman for hypertension? [off] Because I've got hypertension right here.
Elliot: No way.
Todd: [ring off] Boobies. [ring on] Charts.

J.D.: Dr. Cox, I have to tell you something.
Jordan: Aw, Perry, you pee standing up at work? That is so cute. Would you come on? We're on a very tight schedule.
Dr. Cox: You know, Jordan, with all the baby weight you haven't lost yet, I just went ahead and assumed you'd be used to tight things by now.
Jordan: Aw, that's lovely. [to J.D.] Well, hello, sailor.
J.D.: Ahoy.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my goodness, Newbie, are you so uncomfortable with Jordan here that you've in fact, stopped peeing mid-stream?
J.D.: I may have.

Dr. Cox: Well, Maggie, now I can only assume you are wiling away the morning cat-chatting with your favorite gal pal because you have already finished your pre-rounding.
J.D.: Haven't started yet.
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: Gotcha. Already finished.
Dr. Cox: That's a good one, Newbie. My heart is racing. You are quite the prankster.
J.D.: I could tell some stories.
Dr. Cox: If there's a God in heaven, you never will.

J.D.: [v.o.] Great. Another pretentious private-practice guy who's going to order me around while he counts his money all day.
Pete: Hey, you must be J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] He knows my name.
Pete: I'm Dr. Fisher, I go by Pete. Never call me Petey, we'll be friends for life. Hey, look at this. Don't believe me? I already got you a latte, buddy.
J.D.: Thanks. A latte.
Pete: That's funny. We got a good one, Sally.
J.D.: [v.o.] How's that funny? Ah, just go with it.

J.D.: You know, I'm always pull pranks, too. Before, Dr. Cox was like, "Did you do pre-rounding?"
Pete: You know what, sorry to interrupt. I do wanna hear that story. Could you get a pulmonary consult for Sally for me?
J.D.: Yeah.
Pete: You're probably thinking why didn't you do that before I got here, but you were probably thinking would it overstep your boundaries? What if I was a territorial ass with a giant ego or a territorial ego with a giant ass? Stop me, Sally, please! And you're gonna help me. I need you to help me get Sally out of bed, That way, I can go back to trying to get her into bed.
Sally: Stop!
Pete: You stop, foxy lady. You're doing great. And from now on, follow your instincts. And you, don't flirt so much.
Sally: Wanna make him jealous?
J.D.: No. Thanks a latte. Thanks a lot. Thanks a latte. I got it!

J.D.: [v.o.] At a hospital, there's always one sure way to deal with boredom.
J.D.: You guys wanna go laugh at the narcoleptic guy?
J.D.: [v.o.] I know it sounds insensitive, but let's face it, narcolepsy is a funny condition. And it can be triggered by a number of things. Like stress. Or anger from, say, three double bogies in a row. Or, in Mr. Hilliard's case...
Turk: Sexual arousal?
Elliot: I'm going in.
Nurse Roberts: Is falling asleep after sex considered narcolepsy, 'cause if it is, Mr. Roberts has got it.

Elliot: I have a boyfriend. Work is going well. I actually feel cute for the first time in my life. My self-esteem cannot be touched.
Carla: It's been so weird since I got engaged.
Elliot: Oh, you're right, I'll never get married. Message received.

Carla: Elliot, this is about me.
Elliot: Really? Oh, OK.
Carla: Yeah, it's like I don't feel attractive at all lately, like I've lost my spark or something.
Elliot: Please. Remember what Kelso said about your hair yesterday?
[flashback:]
Dr. Kelso: It makes you look frumpy.
[present:]
Elliot: I thought he said clumpy.
Carla: How is that better? You don't know.

Dr. Kelso: Morning, boys.
Turk: Sir, this is where we play.
Dr. Kelso: Funny, I thought this was where we worked.
Turk: Dr. Kelso, I have a low anterior resection this afternoon and I'd really like to exercise in order to be at my best.
Dr. Kelso: Well, I'd really like to have grandkids someday, but the last five Christmases, my son has brought his roommate Brad home, so you tell me whether life is fair.