J.D.: I can't believe you did your residency here, too?
Pete: Are you kidding me? We lived, we loved, we sang, for crying out loud. Laverne, you remember that time you and I got a little crazy, right? Went down to the waterfall, stripped off our scrubs, dove in. Remember
Nurse Roberts: You hitting the crack pipe?
Pete: See, that's the kinda magic I'm talking about, buddy.

Elliot: Dookies. I've got to get this thing fixed.
Janitor: Allow me. May I? Ah, yep. See what you got here is a Medicom XJ. It has a hip guard on it. I'm guessing it's always coming loose.
Elliot: It is always coming loose.
Janitor: I've been there, I've seen it, I've fixed it. Give that a try, missy.
Elliot: Thank you.
Janitor: Oh, for what? For doing my job? You know, this kinda thing gets me up in the morning. That and the smell of urinal cakes. [both laugh] Anyway, I'll see you around. Have a good one.
Elliot: Back at you.

Turk: This is so unfair. Everyone has a way of taking the edge off. You and I, we've got basketball, Nurse Roberts has got her stories.
Todd: Some guy named DRK must love Ms Pac-Man, 'cause he's got the high score of 41 million.
Turk: DRK? Dr. Kelso.
[fantasy: Dr. Kelso walking around the hospital like a Pac-Man]
Todd: Oh, Ms Pac-Man, I would sex that bow right off your head. Eat those dots, you naughty, naughty girl.

J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox. Look, I'm so sorry I lied to you last night. I should've told you I was with Pete.
Dr. Cox: Did we just slip into some alternate dimension where I actually give a flying duckie about what you say and do?
J.D.: Look, I know he's in private practice and everything, but Pete's actually a really cool guy.
Dr. Cox: He is a bad guy. And Newbie, if you're smart, you will stay away from him.
J.D.: Oh, my God. You're actually jealous that I'm hanging out with another doctor.
Dr. Cox: No, I'm not.
J.D.: Laverne?
Nurse Roberts: Jealous.
J.D.: Ta-da!
Dr. Cox: Look, Marsha, if I were you, I'd drop this jealousy thing right now.
J.D.: Don't worry about it, champ. It's all right to need me. [Dr. Cox lunges at J.D.]
Nurse Roberts: Touchdown.

J.D.: Seriously, the janitor's a nice person?
Elliot: He is such a sweetie.
J.D.: I'm going to ask him an innocuous question, and his answer will be filled with hate. Filled with it. How's it going?
Janitor: Very well, sir. Thank you for asking. How are you?
J.D.: Do you not see the hate?
Elliot: What is wrong with you?
J.D.: That was a good one.
Janitor: I think so. [puts mop to stop J.D. leaving] All right. Go. Hold it. No.
J.D.: He's doing it.

Pete: What's the deal, Alpha Dog? You ever gonna cut me some slack?
Dr. Cox: Petey! Petey! Petey! Petey! Petey! Petey!
Pete: OK, good answer. Look, I understand you're seeing Jordan again. I just wanted to tell you, seriously, good for you.
Dr. Cox: Okay, ynow what would be seriously good for you?
Pete: More bran in my diet?
Dr. Cox: Why don't you never mention Jordan again.

J.D.: Hey, do you guys mind if I turn on CNN? My grandma bought me a stock. I wanna see how it's doing.
Pete: Look at Rockefeller.

Carla: Mr. Hilliard, I like my body.
Mr. Hilliard: OK.
Carla: I didn't always. I remember when I was ten years old, my swim coach told me my butt stuck out of the water too much. But now, I like it when my boyfriend looks at my wagon and goes, bam! You know? I'm OK with my curves. I realize women inject God-knows-what into their face to have lips like mine. Mr. Hilliard! I can hop out of the shower and look at my naked body for a whole ten seconds without losing it. That's more than most women. But still, when I can't make you fall asleep, it's like hearing my swim coach's voice all over again. And my body doesn't deserve that.
Mr. Hilliard: So what do you want me to do?
Carla: Fall asleep.
Mr. Hilliard: I'm not attracted to you.
Carla: Why?
Mr. Hilliard: Because you remind me of my sister.
Carla: But I'm not your sister. [Mr. Hilliard falls asleep] That's what I'm talking about.

Dr. Cox: We were having problems. Problems that you knew about because I confided in you. What did you do with the information? You used it to get Jordan into bed. Didn't you? Didn't you?
Pete: Perry, come on.
Dr. Cox: Go.
J.D.: [v.o.] And finally the reason Dr. Cox and his wife got divorced became abundantly clear.

Turk: Yes. Get in there. Say it.
Dr. Kelso: I'm your bitch.
Turk: Don't be too hard on yourself, sir. You've only been playing this game for, like, 56 years.
Security Guard: Dr. Kelso, is this young man a guest of yours?
Dr. Kelso: Dave, I've never seen him before in my life.
Security Guard: Really?
Turk: Dave. Hey, man, you don't got-
Security Guard: Oh, yeah, I do. Don't you run from me.
Turk: Kelso!