Carla: He's out of his freakin' mind. How does that woman go out with him?
Dr. Kelso: Well, I would say love is blind, but we both know that isn't true. My love for Enid falls a percentage point for every pound she gains. Since our wedding day, I am 136% less in love with her.
Carla: You're really gonna comment on your wife's weight when you've got muffins stuffed down your pants?
Dr. Kelso: I like them warm.

Carla: So, you'll never believe this. Lady is normal.
Dr. Kelso: I'm sorry. Did you also win free muffins for life? I didn't think so. Now, let me read the final Harry Potter novel in peace.
Carla: Everyone's already read that.
Dr. Kelso: Yes, but if anyone divulges any details to me what happens, Murphy?
Doug: You draw Harry Potter glasses on their face in permanent marker.
Dr. Kelso: That's right.

J.D.: [v.o.] The Rate-your-doc website also had a comment section.
Dr. Cox: Come on! "What's up with Dr. Cox's hair? One week he's bald, the next week he looks like Shirley Temple." Signed Michelle M.?
Todd: Oh, it's called RateYourDoc.org. I'm on a completely different more awesome site. See?
Turk: Whoa!

J.D.: Can I borrow your laptop just for a second? Please? Thank you. Yep! Still number one! Now to put the cursor back on Dr. Turk who's lower down on the ranking list. Scrolling down, scrolling, scrolling, fake watch, scrolling, scrolling, there he is. All the way at the bottom! Right above Doctor Murphy here.
Doug: How can I be the last? All my patients are dead.
J.D.: Doug, do you remember that guy you put in the morgue drawer? Turns out he was just heavily sedated.
Doug: Oh, yeah, you're right! All the comments are from him.

Carla: Until you let Lady know the real you, your relationship is not real, and it's going to end.
Janitor: [British accent] I don't want it to end.
Dr. Kelso: That's his sad voice.
Carla: Oh!

Turk: Look, man, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
[fantasy:]
Turk: Here you go, buddy! Your very own unicorn.
J.D.: She's glorious!
[The unicorn head comes off to reveal pair of twins in a costume]
J.D.: Turk!
Turk: My bad. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
[fantasy in a fantasy:]
Turk: Here's your unicorn.
J.D.: Turk, she's beautiful! Oh, look at her mane. [the horn comes off] Turk!
Turk: I gotta tell you, unicorns aren't real.
J.D.: Stop it!
Turk: They're not real.
[reality:]
J.D.: There's nothing you can do.

J.D.: What's going on, C-Bizzle?
Turk: We'res eeing who can last the longer in Mr. Sellers' room. He has a fungal infection under the fat flaps in his stomach. It smells like the time I accidentally put Izzy's doodoo diaper in the microwave.
J.D.: You guys are playing "Smelly-Belly"?
Dr. Cox: [groans] Time.
Turk: Sixteen seconds.
Dr. Cox: Come on!
Turk: I win. See, that's what I'm talking about. That's how it goes when you fight me.

J.D.: Hold on, Turk. Let's not declare victory, until you give a shot to Dr. John Dorian and his "nostrils of steel".
Turk: Your nose can't handle smells of that magnitude.
J.D.: Make some room.
Turk: Mm-mhm.
Dr. Cox: On the clock.
Turk: Mm-mhm.
[J.D. enters the room and without even closing the door, he walks back out:]
J.D.: You have got to be kidding me. That is the most disgusting thing I've ever smelled.

Dr. Cox: And a sugar-free latte for the winner.
Turk: Mmm-hm. Victory tastes delicious.
J.D.: You guys aren't even friends. Why do you spend so much time competing over everything?
Dr. Cox: Because we're men. And that is what men do.
J.D.: [v.o.] Now a quick look to Turk to see if that is what men do. [Turk nods] Huh! What do you know?

Dr. Cox: Don't forget I crashed you in "Find the vein in the junkie".
Turk: Yeah, but I beat you good at "Gauze ball".
J.D.: That's nothing. Yesterday, I won free muffins for life by guessing how many coffee beans were in that there jar.
Turk: Actually, they had a recount. You came in second. What? Who came in first?
Dr. Kelso: [sings] Do you know the Muffin Man, the Muffin Man! [talks] If anyone needs me, I'll be in my office, going to town on these bad boys. [sings] Have you seen the Muffin Man, the Muffin Man!