Jill Tracy: Hey, Elliot. OK, first impressions. Did I scare Michael off?
Elliot: No.
Dr. Cox: No, not if he enjoys a big fat cup of crazy. Ms. Tracy, we're all extremely busy, so if we could get down to business-
Elliot: Oh, my God. I have the exact same e-maily-pagey thingy.
Jill Tracy: Get out!
[As Elliot and Jill get excited talking about their handhelds, a frustrated Dr. Cox leaves the room]

Janitor: Hey, from now on, your name is Scooter.
J.D.: I don't get it.
Janitor: Short for scooter pie. I hate scooter pies.
J.D.: Oh, now I see. [v.o.] You big jerk.

Dr. Kelso: Interesting titbit. Back during the gold rush when a man staked a claim, if he came upon another man panning his spot, why he could just shoot that fella dead without even asking any questions.
Turk: You don't say.
Dr. Kelso: Simpler times.

Jill Tracy: Okay, what if you've had three great dates and he likes you so much he hasn't even tried to have sex with you yet?
Elliot: Oh, I could sabotage that relationship in two phone calls.
Jill Tracy: I could do it in one.
Elliot: Jill, sabotage that relationship.
Jill Tracy: For starters, I would ask him why he finds me so repulsive. Then, I would coerce him into having phone sex with me, after which I would ask him if he thinks we have a future, and then I'd probably just cry until he hung up on me.

Turk: I'm not afraid of Kelso. I just felt like eating in here.
J.D.: Go outside and stand up for yourself.
Turk: Hell, yeah. [exits]
Todd: You know what else stands up for itself?
J.D.: You know, Todd, I'm not sure. But I'm going to guess that it's your penis.
Todd: It is.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, no.

Dr. Cox: Everyone, we can all relax now. The planets have been realigned and order shall be returned to the people. Hey, you.
Elliot: Give me two seconds. I gotta finish e-mailing Jill.
Dr. Cox: I have right here your little friend's test results. Shall we have some fun and take a look? Hmm, interesting. EKG, negative. Tilt table, negative. Echo, negative. Nyet, nada, zilch. Nothing, in fact, is wrong with her but exhaustion, most likely brought on by, oh, let it come... being her.
Elliot: Yeah, but if you don't-
Dr. Cox: No, no, no. There's no time for "Yeah, buts". I want her punted out of here in the next five minutes or you will personally be responsible for covering every missed shift during this year's flu season. Now go. Now go. Now go.

Dr. Cox: [whistles] Hey, you. For what it's worth, I don't care if your beeper plays "Who let the dogs out? Hoof, hoof" as many times as you like.
J.D.: Actually, sir, it's "who, who". But thank you. That's great.
Dr. Cox: Oh, sure. And, Ginger, by the way, just a real smooth move running to your mommy.
J.D.: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: Yeah. Your mommy cr-rushed me. She did. Uh, I'd like to issue a warning to everybody, and I'm dead serious. F.Y.l.: J.D.'s mommy has made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want her daughter picked on any more. Nothing mean. She's a precious flower and we should all be super nice to her.

Todd: What up, T-Dog?
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, the only way to avoid the high five with Todd is not to say anything that he can connect to sex.
Todd: How you doing?
[J.D. gives Todd a so-so hand gesture]
Todd: Dude, that's totally how my car was rocking when I took this girl out last night. [squeaks] Am I right?
J.D.: [v.o.] Ah, he earned it.
[Todd and J.D. high-five]
J.D.: Pain.

Turk: J.D., I've had such a crappy morning in this hell hole, I decided to come out here and eat my lunch. This spot feels secluded. It's so peaceful. I feel like I'm getting my spirit back.
J.D.: It's just a bench.
Turk: Sit down, sweet thang. Sit down.
[fantasy: J.D. and Turk sit on a bench with a relaxing view of the ocean]
J.D.: Nice.

J.D.: You know, I've already eaten, but I could-
Turk: Okay, what's it gonna take for you to leave?
J.D.: Your cupcake. Mmm, this is how I get my spirit back. [singing] I feel alive again. I feel alive again.