J.D.: What does he find irritating about you?
Dr. Cox: Fire at will.
Paige: I've embraced the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior.
J.D.: [v.o.] I'm not sure why it was suddenly so awkward, I wished something'd break the tension.
Turk: [paper beeps] [singing] Hallelujah A brother's 'bout to have some sex Hallelujah A brother's 'bout to have some sex Smack the moneymaker! Smack it!
J.D.: That's how he likes it.
Turk: Sex time, people!
J.D.: He's married, so it's strictly procreation sex. His wife's throwing her legs up in the air because they're trying for a boy. Like Jesus.

Elliot: You can talk to me if you want.
Turk: Elliot, I can't talk to you about sex. I don't understand that crazy gibberish you use. Penis is schwing-something.
Elliot: Schwing-schwong, peepers or peep.
Turk: And vagina is...
Elliot: Disgusting, but also bajingo or hoo-hoo.
Turk: Here's the deal. I'm trying to get in the mood, right? And Carla's going on and on about her cervical mucus.
Elliot: Ah-ah, b-b-but, mm-mmm. From now on, [quietly] cervical mucus will be referred to as "icky sticky."
Turk: Icky sticky.

Elliot: I don't know why I bother. Little Hayley doesn't have a chance this month. I name my eggs. Big frick. Last month it was Cassie.
J.D.: Ooh, Cassie's pretty.
Elliot: Oh, she would have been, J.D. She would have been.

Janitor: Come on. Grab some boxes. Let's get to moving.
J.D.: [v.o.] I hope I can find a way to connect with him.
[J.D. dives across the room to save a falling vase]
Janitor: Thanks. That's one of my favorite pieces.
J.D.: You're welcome, friend. I gotta say, you have a lot of Asian art around here.
Janitor: When I was a kid, I always thought I'd travel the world, you know. But after college I went to China. Did all the touristy things. I saw the Great Wall, ate the food, had a baby with a local. You know, just the regular stuff. Anyway, I guess I decorate my place this way because it reminds me of a more optimistic time. That probably sounds crazy.
J.D.: Doesn't sound crazy at all.
Janitor: Thanks, man.
J.D.: [v.o.] And like that, I was in.

Paige: You know what used to drive Perry nuts as a kid? Every night we'd play Horse in the driveway and I'd always kick his ass.
J.D.: Can Christians say "ass" now? I have a friend, Pat Casey, he called his mom an ass once. She hit him in the face with an iron. He still goes to church, but he can't whistle anymore.

J.D.: Hi, I'm J.D. I'm sure Perry's spoken of me.
Paige: No.
J.D.: Nothing about taking a talented go-getter under his wing? Or being a surrogate father to a boy who's lost his own? Nothing about that at all? I'm surprised. That's interesting.
J.D.: [v.o.] Don't cry in front of people.
Paige: Perry and I don't talk much.
J.D.: Oh, they don't talk much! There's no talking in the family.
Dr. Cox: Rest assured, Newbie, even if we did talk from morning till night about all the big and tiny things that matter most to me, the big being my son Jack, a cure for cancer, and the resurgence of the hard-shell taco. The small being...
Paige: The small being my ex-wife Jordan, wind energy and ah-ha-ha-all fruit-infused liquors, your name still would not have come up.
Dr. Cox: I'm honestly not sure which one of you I find more irritating.

Turk: [singing] I'm going to have some sex I'm going to have some sex.
Carla: OK, so my cervical mucus is peaking, my temperature is slightly elevated and pillows will keep my vagina angled so the semen can pool against my cervix.
Turk: Baby, that is some God-awful dirty talk.
Carla: Turk, we're making a baby. Let's get down to business.
Turk: Honey, I need to feel the heat. I need 30 minutes of foreplay. Then, and only then, can I be fully ready to make love to you.
Carla: Tyra Banks. There, you're ready.

J.D.: [v.o.] After four years, I know the hospital so well, I can sneak in a little nap-walk before rounds. Two quick steps to the left to avoid Overly Ambitious Orderly. Hop over the dead guy Doug's dragging because he lost his gurney again.
Doug: The man's dead, J.D. show some respect.
J.D.: [v.o.] And finally, Dr. Kelso's 9am wrong-shoulder-tap.
Dr. Kelso: Damn it! Every morning, tapping. No one's ever there!
J.D.: [v.o.] Of course, you can't be ready for everything.
Janitor: Hey. Help me move this weekend.
J.D.: [v.o.] We scoff, and we walk away.

Dr. Cox: Remind me again why you're having our son baptized.
Jordan: Oh, what do you even care? You're not going.
Dr. Cox: Fine, let him go to church. I mean, I let him go to magic shows. I'll just tell him it's all a lie when he gets home so he doesn't have any of those crazy nightmares.
Jordan: By the way, I invited your sister.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, please tell me you didn't.
Jordan: Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't realize you'd be so upset. I'll call her and tell her not to come. [chuckling] How weird would it be if I was like that?
Carla: Totally.
Jordan: Weird.

J.D.: When is this joyous occasion?
Dr. Cox: You're not invited.
J.D.: Oh, I see. Family only. That's how they're doing it.
Carla: I'm going.
Dr. Cox: Give me a break. Of course you're going. As a matter of fact, I'd like you to be the boy's godfather.
J.D.: [softly] I am honored.
Dr. Cox: [softly] I am lying.