Janitor: Hey, either of you guys seen my twin brother? [J.D. and Turk walk away] Hey, I asked you a question.
J.D.: You're better than this.
[The Janitor goes into a room, puts on his mustache and takes off his janitor uniform. He opens a window and jumps out onto the roof of the hospital. From there, he jumps down onto the roof of an ambulance. When the ambulance starts to drive away, the Janitor falls back onto the road outside the hospital. He gets to his feet, in pain, just as Turk and J.D. walk out of the building]
Janitor: [painful sigh] Any sign of my brother, the janitor?
Turk: Dude, there is no way that we ever, ever believe this one.
Janitor: Can someone say keep rockin'? [imitates guitar riff]

J.D.: Hey, Carla, after you check Mrs. Ruck's IV in room 310, can you zip down to the cafeteria and flirt more with Dr. Hotbutt?
Carla: Fine. So I was flirting with him a little. But I used to have such a crush on the guy.And be sides, you flirt sometimes. It's harmless, right?
[flashback to J.D. entering an elevator with an attractive woman:]
Woman: Can I press your button?
J.D.: I don't know. Can I press yours?
[J.D. screams as the woman beats him with her handbag]
[present:]
J.D.: It's not always harmless.

Elliot: Laverne, did you pull up Mr. Thompson's old charts?
Nurse Roberts: He was here, like, 8 years ago, complaining of the same abdominal pain, but as soon as he was given his pain medication, he went A.M.A.
Elliot: He just took the drugs and bolted?
Nurse Roberts: No, he took some towels, too.
Elliot: Frick!

Carla: Look, everyone thinks it's just guys who get all freaked out before the wedding, but it happens to women, too. And Ronnie-
J.D.: Ronnie?
Carla: Ron. Ron. He's not just some guy, J.D. He's my "what if" guy, the one I always wondered about, the one I idealized, you know? If I go out with him and I feel nothing, you know how confident I'll feel about Turk?
J.D.: Now I want you to go. You know what that means?
J.D.: [v.o.] That she's a sorceress.
Carla: Look, I would never do anything inappropriate.
J.D.: Then you won't mind if I tell Turk.
Carla: If you have to, go ahead. But then I'll know that we're not as close as I thought. [holds beads]
J.D.: Damn beads.

Carla: Well, this is nice, after all these years actually being out with you.
Ron: Yeah, so where do you want to sit?
Carla: How about here?
Man: We have a lovely selection of condoms.
Carla: Ooh, lemon zinger!
[reality:]
J.D.: Uncool.
Turk: What were you thinkin' about?
J.D.: What you'd look like if you were Chinese.
Turk: Me, too!
J.D.: [v.o.] Ooh, that was lucky.

Janitor: Hey, fellas. Guess what's on. A little show that I like to call indisputable evidence.
[on tape:]
Troy: Thank you, brothers, for inviting me to your twin birthday party.
Janitor: No problem, Troy. Hey, brother, why don't you enjoy this nice pen set that I got for you? Check it out. Take your time. Approach it slowly.
Janitor: [as Roscoe] Hey, wow. Thanks, bro. I'm definitely gonna use this to write to you when I finish my around-the-world travels. Put her there, man. All right! You do a good job around here.
[in reality:]
Janitor: And that, boys, is a brotherly handshake.

Dr. Cox: Oh, great. You're getting medication for your "pain patient." But, say, why stop there? How's about we load up our fanny packs with happy pills, drive downtown, I'll hang out of the sun-roof, and we can just throw fistfuls of 'em right at drug addicts and it'll be like a big happy parade!

Elliot: You know what's amazing about you? You have this unbelievable ability to make me doubt myself.
Dr. Cox: I don't think I could possibly make you doubt yourself, you rascal, unless you had the unnatural talent for being wrong most of the time.
Elliot: Well, I'm not wrong. I just saw Mr. Thompson writhing in pain and he had no idea that I was watching him.
But you probably don't care about that, because you're more concerned with being right than doing what's right. Aren't you?

Turk: So I'm supposed to marry someone who's gonna bust my chops every time I look at a woman for the rest of my life?
J.D.: Well, I wouldn't put it that way in your vows.

Carla: So you and that girl Kelly finally broke up, huh?
Ron: Yeah. What was that cute name that you used to call her?
Carla: Skunk-face! I was a little mean back then.