Dr. Cox: Our nanny just walked out the door. Gimme a break, she's experienced, she has great credentials.
Jordan: Oh, no, no, she's got great, huge, perky credentials. She's out. Besides, she's too expensive.
Dr. Cox: About that, now, I've actually been thinking about going after that residency director job.
Jordan: Residency director?
Dr. Cox: Yeah.
Jordan: But Perry, you realize if you did that, you would be taking a positive step in your life.
Dr. Cox: I know.
Jordan: Quick. First place we made love?
Dr. Cox: Oh, gimme a break. We've never "made love".
Jordan: Whew, it is you. I'm so proud I could poo.

Jordan: Seriously, though, it's great. And it's a board decision, so I can help you out.
Dr. Cox: No, no.
Jordan: Yes.
Dr. Cox: No, I'm serious, Jordan, I don't believe in it. I'd make you swear on a Bible, but I know how contact with holy stuff makes your skin sizzle.

Janitor: Doctors.
Janitor: [to Troy] Okay, come on: Two coins. Thirty cents. No nickels. Come on, you can do this! You went to Harvard, for God's sake!
Troy: Relax. I figured it out.
Janitor: Okay. You gave me a penny and what appears to be a button, on which you've written twenty-nine cents. Can't we just kill him?
Janitor: No, no, no. That's what he wants us to do.

Turk: Hey! Hey, Baby! What's up? You know, I've been thinking. That was a lot of fun working together.
Carla: And how long you been thinking about that?
Turk: Ever since Dr. Wen offered me a gastric bypass because I was so amazing yesterday, and I realized you're the reason why.
Carla: Really?
Turk: Yeah! Yeah. It's just like in high school. I had this girlfriend who annoyed the crap out of me, but every time she came to one of my basketball games, I played like crazy out of my mind because all of a sudden I was playing for her. I wanted to make her proud. You understand what I'm saying?
Carla: You're saying I'm so annoying you can't stand working with me for even two days, but now that you have something to gain, you want me back.
Turk: Exactly. Thank you!

Troy: Ooh, your face is red! Like a strawbrerry!
Janitor: Don't have kids.

J.D.: Okay, this never would have happened if my Hair-met hadn't gotten stolen at your stupid suck-up fest last night! Now, I took the liberty of writing the recommendation you promised me. All you have to do is sign right below where it says, "He makes me proud to be a doctor," and right above where it says, "P.S. He ain't too hard on the eyes, either!"

J.D.: Well, I'm off to fluid rounds.
[later, at a bar:]
J.D.: To fluid rounds!

Sean: So, I'm leaving the day after tomorrow, to work on this project studying the fishing industry's impact on Maui dolphins. They're an endangered species; if something isn't done soon they could actually be wiped off the face of the earth.
J.D.: [yawns] Fascinating stuff, Sean.

Sean: You know, it's always awkward when you run into an ex, isn't it?
Turk: Tell me about it. I don't know how J.D. and Elliot do it.
Sean: Do what?
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, no! I've got to stop this! Kick him!
Carla: Ow!
Turk: You okay, baby?
Carla: Yeah.
Turk: How they have sex every year and still manage to stay friends.
Elliot: We haven't actually had a chance to talk about that yet. But thank you.

Elliot: So So, J.D. and I slept together. It's not that big a deal.
Sean: You know Betty from work. I see her every day, right? How would you feel if I told you we slept together?
Elliot: Well, I'd be disturbed, Sean, because Betty is a harp seal.
Sean: Yeah, but a harp seal who's smart, funny, and totally gets me!
Elliot: Oh, my God! Is anyone in more hell than me right now?