Turk: Dude!
J.D.: Bu benim muhallebim, Omar! [That's my pudding, Omar!] This guy's unbelievable!

J.D.: OK, for some reason, Mr. Kellerman's fluid situation isn't getting any better. I think we should be more aggressive. Keith? Why don't you go get a Lasix drip. Other way, Keith. Oh, Jason, when you're filling out a female patient's exam report, her breasts can be "healthy" or "unhealthy," never "bangin' double-Ds."
Jason: There's so much paperwork. My dad was a veterinarian, and he never had to do any. Sometimes I wish this place were more like a horse hospital.
[fantasy: All the doctors walks around with shotguns in "Sacred Heart Horse Hospital for Humans":]
J.D.: I'm sorry, Mr. Larson, but I do not like the look of that leg. [gun cocks, man neighs, gunshot].
[reality:]
J.D.: We would have better hours.

Dr. Kelso: Dorian, I'm paying you to work, not stand around acting like the Fonz.
Janitor: Perfect.

Janitor: Nice ass, grandma!
Woman: [screams]
J.D.: [v.o.] That screaming patient would have to wait.

J.D.: Hey, Keith! I just called upstairs to see how Mr. Kellerman was doing. Get this: The nurse told me you never even started him on a Lasix drip. And Lisa, imagine my surprise when she told me you never even increased his diuretic in the first place! I'm forced to ask, are you people trained killers? Say something, Keith!
Keith: [stammers]
Jason: Dr. Dorian, if he gets bad enough and we have to put him on inotropes, he'll jump to the top of the transplant list and get a new heart.
J.D.: [v.o.] They're messing up on purpose?
J.D.: Who told you guys to do this?

J.D.: [v.o.] There's a lot of ways to get caught. Sometimes you get caught because you couldn't slip your wife her pill last night, so you had to feed her one of your special homemade brownies.
Carla: What's that?
Turk: Oh, that? That's a tiny marshmallow with writing on it.
J.D.: [v.o.] Still, if you don't panic, you can get away with it.
Elliot: [clattering] Just doing some inventory sir.
Dr. Kelso: That's why I'm glad you work here, sweetheart.
J.D.: Come on, guys. Who put you up to this?
J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, I caught my culprit because he made the classic mistake of returning to the scene of the crime.
Dr. Cox: [whistles]
J.D.: [v.o.] And all because I, too, had been eating Turk's homemade brownies.
Dr. Cox: Angie, my buddy down in the lab just told me that your urinalysis came back positive for the birth control pill. So, I will be taking one of these. Thank you!
J.D.: Damn it!

J.D.: Keith, look at me. [Keith stammering] Did he specifically tell you to disregard my orders?
Dr. Cox: Oh, what the hell. I was doing this and mouthing "I'll kill you," which I will if you don't get out of here. Go on, get.

Turk: Look I know I agreed to have a baby, but you were offering sex at the time. I would have agreed to anything!
[Carla picks up Turk's fork and aims it at him]
Elliot: Carla, no.
[Carla takes Turk's milk carton instead]
Turk: No! She knows I can't eat without my strawberry milk. You should've just let her fork me!
Elliot: I think that's how you got into trouble in the first place! What's up!
Todd: Euphemism five!
Elliot: His vocabulary's gotten so much better!

Turk: Elliot, why are you here?
Elliot: Oh, I have to make Kelso think I work here so he doesn't have me arrested for stealing supplies. By the by, what would you have done if you couldn't give Carla the pill?
Turk: I'd have faked it.
Elliot: Guys can't fake it.
Turk: Really? Does this sound familiar? "Oh. Oh, baby, we're going all night. No, wait, don't move! Sorry."
Elliot: Way too familiar.

J.D.: [v.o.] The next morning was not good. Carla was not talking to Turk, Elliot had dropped by to help not talk to Turk and I was sneaking out in my undies because my clothes were in the dryer.
Elliot: J.D.? Morning, friends! Who's ready for some java?
Carla: Are you wearing boxers?
J.D.: Yes, I am, Carla, because I know when Turk's sad, he likes me to come over in my boxers, because he likes to call me his "honky Adonis." And that's what friends do.
[Carla and Elliot shrug]
J.D.: [v.o.] They bought it? Are we that gay?
Turk: What's that?
J.D.: Oh, that's my new driving sock. You can borrow.