Elliot: I've got a secret.
Dr. Kelso: What has two thumbs, a funny voice, and still doesn't give a crap? [goofy voice] Bob Kelso! I added the funny voice to keep it fresh.

Nurse: Happy birthday, Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, thank you.
Elliot: Oh, my God, is that a smile?
Dr. Kelso: Well, it's like the last year, when the safety brake failed on Enid's wheelchair, and she started rolling toward our pool, I told myself: "Bob, it's already too late to stop it so you might as well sit back and enjoy it."

Ted: The Winstons aren't ready to litigate yet, but they're still angry. You need to mitigate the situation because they have a really good lawyer.
Dr. Cox: Honestly, Ted, I'm just surprised you know the difference between litigate and mitigate.
Ted: Their lawyer taught me. I'm telling you, the guy's really good.

J.D.: What are we doing, today?
Turk: Okay. We gotta go old school. Brace yourself on my arm. World's Most Giant Black Doctor.
J.D.: Turk, I thought we are agreed to save him for Black History Month when we wanna scare racist patients.
Turk: I know, but that guy in 204 asked me if I wanted to finish his fried chicken.
J.D.: But you love fried chicken.
Turk: And I ate that bad boy like it was my last meal, but I wasn't happy about it.

Elliot: So, how do we find that Kelso's age?
Ted: We pay a hundred people age one to a hundred, line them all up and see which one Kelso looks like.

Janitor: I say we cut off Kelso's legs and we count the rings.
Elliot: That only works on trees.
Janitor: And puppets.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's amazing how much kids take after their parents.
J.D.: You know how when I daydream and go like this.
Turk: Dude, you totally go like that.
J.D.: Check Sam out.
J.D.: [v.o.] I wonder what he's thinking.
[fantasy:]
J.D.: Guys, Sam is hungry. Can anybody help me out?
Dr. Kelso: [wearing a bra] Sure, sure. Pass him over here, I'm about ready to burst.
J.D.: Thanks. I'd do it myself but I'm all tapped out. Turk and I had a milk fight in the parking lot.
Turk: I lost.
Dr. Kelso: Ok, chief, latch on, it's right there. Latch. Latch. He's latched, he's latched.
J.D.: Dude we said truce!
Turk: Count it.

Board Member: Hey, Bob. Some of the other board members were saying tomorrow is your birthday. So how old does that make you?
Dr. Kelso: Well, it depends. Are we talking dog years or horny old bastard years? I'll be fifty-eight.
Elliot: I didn't know it was your birthday tomorrow! You're are definitely getting a cake. What flavor do you want? Chocolate or vanilla? Wait, don't answer. I'm gonna surprise you. It's gonna be chocolate. I like chocolate.
Dr. Kelso: Ooh, fun. Could you also have them write "Mind Your Own Damn Business" in icing and then jam your face into it so the message really sinks in?

J.D.: [as Sam] Damn, Izzy! You're looking good, girl!
Turk: [as Izzy] Thank you Sam! You not only have a soft spot in your heart, but you have one in your head!
J.D.: What do you say we hit up a Wiggles concert, then go back to my crib and pop up on some formulas, see what happens?
Turk: Come here and taste this brown sugar. Taste this brown sugar!
J.D.: Turk, we can't make them kiss until Sam can hold his head up for real.

Turk: I missed this man. If I'm not at work, I'm taking care of Izzy. I feel like I don't get to roll with you or just do goofy stuff.
J.D.: It's just that when I have Sam I'm so busy, you know. We're up at six, I feed him, I bathe him, then it's poopy time, and then it's his poopy time.
Turk: But that's why we need to get this two together right away. They need to get married so we can hang all the time.
J.D.: There's no guarantees, Turk. The other day, I had Sam in the hospital, and when Dr. Cox brought in his daughter, he definitely turned his head. Okay, I turned it. But I can tell he wanted me to. [as Sam] There's plenty of fish in the sea, girl. I don't need you. Like look at that. You are hot, baby! What is going on over there? I want to hit that. I want to spank it good. I like to spank it, I want to give it to you. [to a mother] I'm sorry. Kids, huh? I'll talk to him.