J.D.: What should we do?
Turk: When's the last time we did something stupid?
J.D.: Well, we told Rex we'd cover his shifts next weekend if he agreed to follow Hooch everywhere he went and never tell him why.
Hooch: Okay. I'm gonna ask you this one last time. Do you need anything?
Rex: No, I'm cool. [continues following Hooch]
Turk: Hooch is crazy!
J.D.: I know, and the best part is Rex doesn't know Hooch is crazy.
Turk: Hell, he'll know by the end of the day.

Turk: Anyways, when's the last time we did something off-the-hook stupid?
Turk: Probably not since the second day at college. Remember? When it wasn't just the two of us. It was the three of us.
[flashback:]
Turk: All right you guys? I know we only met yesterday, but I have the feeling we are gonna be best buds forever. Hands in. Chocolate bear!
J.D.: Vanilla Bear!
Ricky: Caramel Bear!
All: Bears for life!
J.D.: If we pull this prank off we're gonna be the coolest freshmen on the all campus.
[J.D. uses a lighter to ignite the brown paper bag that Turk is holding]
Turk: Yeah, we are.
Ricky: Let me do it.
J.D.: What?
[After Ricky puts the flaming brown bag on a man's porch, he rings the doorbell. A large white man quickly opens the door and pulls Ricky inside. J.D. and Turk run away.]
[present:]
J.D.: Rest in peace, Caramel Bear.
Turk: Dude, just because we never saw Ricky on campus again, doesn't mean is dead.
J.D.: His parents came and packed up all his stuff, Turk. And his roommate got straight As that semester without even going to class.

Elliot: Okay, listen up. I need everyone to clear their schedule's tomorrow because we're going to have a little party for Kelso's birthday.
Ted: Kelso makes my life hell. Now, I know I usually cave, but there's no way I'm going to his party.
Elliot: I understand, Ted.
Ted: Fine, I'll go. Dammit.
Elliot: So, I'm getting the cake. I just need someone to pick up the decorations.
Ted: Fine, I'll get them. What's happening?!

Elliot: Can anyone help me find out Kelso's real age?
Janitor: You rang? I know you didn't, I just like saying that. Although, actually, I do hear bells. But now they're gone. Hmm. Anyway, I'll help.
Elliot: Cool. Okay, because I was wondering-
Janitor: Hold it! They're back. They're gone. No. Hang on. Go.
Elliot: Okay, because I thought-
Janitor: Stop. Bells. Bells, bells. No bells.
Elliot: Why don't we start with that-
Janitor: Stop. Go. Stop.

Carla: Aren't your arms getting tired?
Dr. Cox: Oh, yeah. Can you believe those people? Their kid has leukemia and they're not even gonna tell him?
Carla: Well, they're his parents, it's their right.
Dr. Cox: Oh, come on. He deserves to know what he's up against, he can handle it. Hell, he's more mature than most of the yahoos in this dump.
J.D.: Check it out. World's most giant clipboard, huh!
Dr. Cox: Exhibit A, through Z.

Elliot: Well, I've got 65 reasons why you should give a crap.
Janitor: [elevator door opens] You're old! Yes! I've been saying that every time the doors opened for the last two hours, and I finally got my man. Come on, give it up. Little something. Still got time. We'll do it later.

Dr. Cox: Thanks for having my back on this one.
Carla: I don't have your back on this. I just want a ringside-seat for when you get your bony white ass handed to it.

Ted: I really don't wanna go in a mitigation on this one. Wait? Yeah, that's right.

Turk: Hey J.D., I need a little help. Relax, this is work stuff. I have a patient who needs a perioperative beta blockade and I was wondering if I needed a continuous IV drip or intermittent bolus?
J.D.: Well, I'd probably start them off-
Turk: Yeah, don't care. Check this out. Hooch is on the verge of a major meltdown.
J.D.: Why? Is Rex still following him?
Turk: Not just Rex. Three other interns are following him too. They're all after this fellowship. I said whoever sticks to to him the longest, I'll give them recommendation.
Hooch: I'm about to use the toilet right now. So I hope you all are happy with the order that you're standing in. Because if you follow me in there, that is the order that I'm going to kill you. Oh, yeah! Today is gonna be a good day. Yes, it is!

Dr. Kelso: You read my private personnel file?
Janitor: You can read mine if you want. Of course, it says my name is Captain Billy Stinkwater, and that I'm half gopher.