Dr. Cox Quote #414
Dr. Cox: I'm not even sweatin'! Because, honest to God, what kind of gullible chump would go ahead and spend a thousand dollars on some silly scan if he's feeling perfectly fine?
Mr. Corman: Hello, Laverne, Shirl!
Dr. Cox: [whimpers].
Quote from Turk
Turk: What's up with the white people on top?
Carla: Turk, they don't have tiny plastic interracial couples.
Baker: I'll just color it in with some chocolate frosting.
Turk: Oh, that's a great idea. Put 'em in blackface.
Turk: What? While you're at it, why don't you put a string in the back of him, so when you pull it he sings "Mammy"!
Baker: Forget it.
Turk: Where are you going? To the back of the bakery where you keep all the other colored cakes? I'mma call Jesse! And we gonna march on your ass! [licks frosting] Mm.
Quote from Dr. Cox
Mr. Corman: I wanna know everything that's wrong with me.
Dr. Cox: Mr. Corman, you're not even feeling bad. You don't need this scan. If it would make you happy, we can just go ahead and do the exact same thing we've done the last fifty times you've been in here. Take your temperature, draw some blood, and give you a rectal. It's your basic "Ah! Ow! Oh!"
Quote from Turk
Turk: The point is, I don't lose my cool.
J.D.: I don't know. Remember back in college, when we had tickets to see Michael Jordan in the playoffs?
Turk: [singing] We're goin' to see Michael Jordan. We're goin' to see Michael Jordan. We're goin' to see Michael Jordan. 'Cause we got good tickets. We went five hundred miles.
J.D.: Hey, was I supposed to bring the tickets or the sandwiches?
[As Turk realizes they're both holding sandwich bags, he screams and starts pulling out his hair]
J.D.: Oh, God.
Turk: Oh, no! Leave it on the floor! You leave it on the floor!
J.D.: You shaved your head for the first time after that.
Quote from My Student
J.D.: [v.o.] It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. I guess the thing I can do is to think of someone I look up to, and remember how they got through to me.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact the wall on which you're leaning. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know. Here it's a conundrum.
Quote from My Life in Four Cameras
J.D.: What the hell are we supposed to do?
Dr. Cox: Loretta, relax. I've been involved in every ridiculous TV-induced panic there is. Poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, monkey pox, Pop Rocks, toilet snakes, mad cow, bird flu, swine flu, and, quite frankly, every other flu that you could really only catch if you actually fornicate with the animal it's named for. And as a parting gift, I will tell you this. Narrow it down to two symptoms: vomiting and diarrhea, because it's just not E. coli unless it's firing out both exits.
J.D.: Sure hope I don't have dog flu.
Quote from My Big Mouth
Dr. Cox: You're gonna love this one. Twenty-five-year-old woman, dancer, actually. Well, not anymore. I'm afraid we had to take both of her legs. Bilateral gangrene. And seeing as her husband recently passed away, and her insurance at the dancers' union probably is not going to cover it, you should go ahead and tell her she won't be able to stay here with us for her rehab.
Elliot: Um, what room is she in?
Dr. Cox: There is no room. In fact, in the history of medicine, there's never actually been a patient that depressing. I made her up! Come on, now, Barbie. You keep going down this road, you're gonna go up to the roof and jump the hell off. Mind you, it's only five stories high, so that means you'll just wind up back down here, where I, of course, will be the one who has to treat you. And then I'll be forced to jump off the roof, which, as I was suggesting to you, is only five stories high. And are you starting to see a pattern forming here?