Turk: Please, man. I'm Christopher Duncan Turk.
Todd: Duncan?
J.D.: His dad loved doughnuts.
Turk: That's not true. Okay, you really need to stop saying that.

Mr. Corman: Why should I even listen to you? The last time I was here, you tried to torture me to prove a point. Dr.- Dr.- Dr.-
Dr. Cox: Cox.
Mr. Corman: Mengele!
Dr. Cox: Uh.
Mr. Corman: Now, if you will excuse me, I've already talked to the insurance company, so there is nothing you can say that can stop me from doing this.
[Mr. Corman, dressed in a hospital gown, closes the curtains on his bed]
Dr. Cox: Now, Mr. Corman, apparently your insurance company's not gonna cover it.
[Mr. Corman opens the curtains, now dressed in his own clothes]
Mr. Corman: Good day to you, sir.

Dr. Miller: Todd, you're up!
Todd: Thank you.
Dr. Miller: Now this is your big shot, so if you don't want me to throw you out of here, you've gotta get through this whole procedure without making a single sex joke.
Todd: No problem.
Dr. Miller: All right, to really get at this, I think we need to go in from behind.
[later:]
Dr. Miller: [o.s.] And stay out!
Todd: Totally worth it!

Mr. Corman: Thanks for the lift. Because, for some reason on Tuesdays, my feet just swell up like Jiffy Pop bags. I'm sure it'll show up on the scan. Oh, if anything turns up green, it's probably an emerald that I swallowed from my mother's jewelry box when I was five. Gee, I'd like to get that back to her. Hey, what's going on?
Dr. Cox: Zip it. I know a shortcut.
Mr. Corman: Help, I'm getting chair-jacked.

Mr. Corman: Listen, I appreciate the lunch. But are you actually trying to convince me, an admittedly frugal hypochondriac, not to get a free full body scan?
Dr. Cox: Mr. Corman, you're not dying of anything. Although if you do try to swipe one more bite of my lamb medallions I will be forced to kill you.
Mr. Corman: Well, look who never learned to share.
Dr. Cox: Listen to me. I am not losing a bet to Bob Kelso.
Mr. Corman: All this concern about my health and my well-being, and it's about a bet? You know what, that's a pretty reprehensible thing to do. Well, if you'll excuse me, I have a full body scan to take. [stands up, walks away, returns] You drove me here. I'd like to see a dessert menu, please.

J.D.: Hey, Elliot. Uh, look, I was just goofing around before about that whole thing. I think it's great you guys are moving in together.
Elliot: Thanks, J.D. I really needed to hear that from you.
J.D.: [v.o.] Maybe it's true that I'm someone who only wants what he can't have. But what if the thing I want is the girl I'm supposed to end up with?
J.D.: It should be me.
Elliot: What?
J.D.: Look, Elliot, every year we bounce around this thing, and I never have the courage to stand up and tell you how I feel. I'm crazy about you. And I want you to know if I had the choice of hanging around with anyone in the entire world or staying at home with you, eating pizza and watching a crappy TV show, I'd choose you every time.
Elliot: I.... Um, I have to go.

Dr. Cox: Not yet, you don't.
Mr. Corman: For Pete's sake. Will you leave me alone?
Dr. Cox: Look, this baby would mess with a normal person's mind. So please hear me when I say that if you get this scan, it will ruin you. The next year of your life is gonna be a series of endless tests, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep that from happening to you. Even if it means giving you free medical treatment the rest of your life.
Mr. Corman: How can I believe that you even care about me?
Dr. Kelso: How are we doing, Mr. Corman?
Dr. Cox: Oh, uh, Bob. We, uh, we just had our scan. You win.
Dr. Kelso: And? [Dr. Cox kisses Kelso's ring] Now, Perry, I know that was our first date, but next time, don't be afraid to put a little feeling into it.
Dr. Cox: There you go. It's damn sure not about the bet anymore. You do whatever you want.

Turk: I cannot believe you are freaking out about this. It's a great idea!
Carla: Turk, we are not having wedding pie.
Turk: That is so typical of you, Carla. This whole wedding has been about you, and I'll prove it.
Carla: Give me back my wedding planner.
Turk: Frank Sinatra as our first dance. Please, baby, that guy has only got one good song. You got pink roses. I hate pink. Big screen TV at the reception. Big screen TV at the reception?
Carla: I knew how much you wanted to see the play-offs.
Turk: You did that for me?

Dr. Kelso: If you're wondering what this is, Perry, it's a list of the hundreds of people who've already signed up for our full body scan.
Dr. Cox: Well, bully for you, there, Bobbo.
J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes the smallest victory is enough to get you through the day.
Mr. Corman: I didn't get the scan.
Dr. Cox: I know you didn't, Mr. Corman.
Mr. Corman: Please, call me Harvey.
Dr. Cox: "Harvey Corman"?
Mr. Corman: Doesn't get me as much action as you'd think. Anyway, about that free medical care? I'm gonna need your home number. You know, just in case...
Dr. Cox: Just in case.

J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, all I needed was Elliot.
Elliot: J.D., it's just so weird. I mean, my whole future was right there in front of me, and I just walked away. All because of you.
J.D.: Well, I think you made the right choice.
J.D.: [v.o.] I think that the problem with most people who want what they can't have is that, when they actually get the thing they covet, they don't want it anymore. But not this guy.
Elliot: Well, Dr. Dorian, you have me. You finally have me.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my God, I don't want her!