Dr. Cox: And what about you there, Beavis?
Todd: Oh, uh
[flashback:]
Woman: You know, doctor, I'm getting a little tired of the sexual innuendo.
Todd: In your endo.
[present:]
Dr. Cox: Oh, that's great stuff.

Dr. Cox: Ted, why don't you be a sport and get us started?
Ted: [clears throat] People, we're here today-
Dr. Cox: Snore. New idea. We're all going to clam up for about an hour so I can get some shuteye. Oh, and nervous guy?
Doug: Yes, Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox: If I were you, I'd go ahead and swallow that entire mouthful of baby carrots. Because if I hear you make even one more damn crunch, I'm going to use the remainder of the carrots in that bag to make you completely airtight, son.
Doug: [chokes]

Nurse Roberts: [on the phone] Lester, honey, I don't want you using the stove on your own.
Mr. Weisfelner: Nurse, I asked for an extra pillow an hour ago.
Nurse Roberts: I'm talking to my husband. So why don't you get your own damn pillow? [to Dr. Kelso] What?
[cut to Dr. Cox teaching the class:]
Dr. Cox: And they stuck you in here for that?
Nurse Roberts: I apologized to the old man. Anybody can have a bad day, shoot.

J.D.: [v.o.] When you're dating a woman whose husband just died after two years in a coma, you can't help but have doubts about the relationship. I guess all you can do is be a man and face those doubts.
Jamie: What are you thinking about?
J.D.: Eggs. You know, one minute they're bad for you, now everybody's, "Hey, you tried eggs? They're great." It's crazy. Eggs.
Jamie: You know what? Forget I asked.

Elliot: This is exactly like the dress I bought. Oh, I didn't already buy a wedding dress. I'm not dating anybody, so that would be crazy, whether it was half off or not.

J.D.: Shorts, huh?
Janitor: Yeah. I don't get to wear shorts 'cause I'm a lowly janitor?
J.D.: I didn't say lowly.
Janitor: Oh, so now I'm a janitor?
J.D.: Yes. Have you been drinking?
Janitor: I'm not drunk.
J.D.: I love your shorts, okay? I wish I had a pair just like them.

Dr. Kelso: Next catastrophe. Idiots.
Doug: I hate him so much.
Ted: Save it for our weekend bike ride.

Dr. Cox: Carla, I just wanted to see how you're- It's always tough when you have to bury your old mom, isn't it?
Carla: Uh-huh.
Dr. Cox: What was your mother's funeral like?
Dr. Cox: Wouldn't know, skipped it. But my aunt told my father it was very moving. [nervous chuckle] Gosh.

J.D.: [v.o.] Wow, the past and the present. Whenever I see two women I've been intimate with talking to each other, I always have the same fantasy.
[fantasy: Fred Berry teaches Elliot and Jamie the Rerun Dance:]
Fred Berry: C'mon, ladies. It's right hand, left hand, shoulder pop, jump. Right hand, left hand, shoulder pop, jump.
[reality:]
J.D.: What you talking about?
Elliot: Not the Rerun Dance.
J.D.: [v.o.] I tell her way too much.

Elliot: She's a drama queen, J.D. When her husband was in a coma, it was, like, taboo and exciting, but now that it's OK for you to be together, the relationship's got no snap. It's got no crackle. J.D., it's got no pop. I know, because I'm a drama queen, too.
J.D.: Well, Jamie's not like you, OK?
Elliot: No pop!