J.D.: Holy-
Janitor: [whispering] Calm down. I didn't mean to scare you.
J.D.: [whispering] Why are we whispering?
Janitor: [whispering] I wanted to see if you would whisper because I whispered.
J.D.: [whispering] I think I would.

Dr. Kelso: Dammit, Perry, you're there to teach. If I wanted somebody to lay around all day and do nothing, I would've wheeled in a corpse, or my housekeeper, Rosalba.

Dr. Kelso: So, Ted, how's Professor Cox doing?
Ted: Excellent, sir.
Dr. Kelso: And you know what else?
Ted: I quit.
Dr. Kelso: No, you don't.
Ted: Well, I'm leaving early.
Dr. Kelso: No, you're coming to my office and doing busy work.
Ted: Fine, but I'm getting a soda first.
Dr. Kelso: Whatever.
[Ted punches the air in excitement]

Turk: Baby, what's the name of that designer you love so much? She made that gown? Vera?
Carla: Wang.
[Turk and J.D. laugh]
Elliot: Oh, my God. You're the only two doctors immature enough to laugh at the name Vera Wang.
Todd: Hello.
Elliot: Go ahead.
Todd: What? I think Vera Wang makes very beautiful gowns. Plus, her last name is a very funny word for penis.
Who's with me? Air-five.

Elliot: J.D., if things have fizzled that much, I could scout her out for you. Try to figure out the problem.
J.D.: Things haven't fizzled. Last night, we made ice cubes out of orange juice. Step off.

Elliot: You wanna know why things with Jamie are so lamey?
J.D.: We're doing fine.
Elliot: Oh, please, she's clearing you out.
J.D.: Wrong. She just came by because she knows today at work I need my squash goggles. I have to saw something later.

Ted: See, Dr. Cox, this is the sort of hostile behavior that can cause us legal difficulty.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Ted, I just might rip that tie off your neck and jam it down your esophagus.
Ted: I think you proved at Nurse Roberts' above-ground pool party that that doesn't solve anything.

Dr. Kelso: Dammit, Perry, you can't just go around browbeating nut jobs and bullying fatties.
Dr. Cox: Well, I'm not a resident, so I'm not going to your lame-ass seminar so in essence there, Big Bob, there's really nothing you can do to me at all, is there?
[later:]
Dr. Cox: Hello, class. My name is Dr. Perry Cox. I'm going to be your teacher. [Doug raises his hand] No. [again] No. [again] No. [Todd raises his hand; Dr. Cox sighs]

Turk: Hey, you OK?
Carla: Great. What are you doing home so early?
Turk: I just came to check on you. You looking at pictures?
Carla: Yeah. I know she was old. Still, she was my best friend. I mean, what are you supposed to do without your mom?
Turk: You can let your man fill a little bit of the hole she left.
Carla: She would like that.
Turk: Baby, she hated me.
Carla: Yeah, she did.

J.D.: I'm sorry. It was a total accident, I just-
Jamie: Don't lie to me. I asked you to go, so you punched through my coffee table.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, my God, she does want drama.
J.D.: Sometimes you make me so crazy.
Jamie: Come here, I'll take care of you.
J.D.: [v.o.] This is totally normal.