Dr. Kelso: Where the hell did you all come from?
Janitor: Sneak attack. You can put your shoes on again, guys. Nice work. Dr. Kelso, as spokesman for the support staff of this hospital, I have a request.
Dr. Kelso: I do not want to hear any more about a college scholarship fund. Stop filling your children's heads with nonsense. Pull them out of high school and teach them a trade like plumbing or undertaking.
Janitor: None of us here even have kids, except for Margo, and she sold hers. We want a dental plan.
Dr. Kelso: Dental is for old people. You young bucks have years before you have to worry about your choppers.
Janitor: One, two... [they all talk a tooth out]
Dr. Kelso: Lovely. No.
Janitor: Rudy? Did you tear an actual tooth outta your head? We were all faking it, man! What are you- Okay, don't worry. You know what? I got a jar of monkey teeth in my workbench. What's that, molar? We're gonna be all right.

Elliot: Uh, heh, who's the new guy?
Dr. Turner: Oh, this is Dr. Kershnar from my practice. Elliot Reid, I was telling you about. Give her a wave. So...
Elliot: Look, as a doctor, I know that you're gonna be tempted to wanna treat yourself, and I just want you to know that's not gonna fly with me.
Dr. Turner: Understood.
Elliot: Great. Now, I believe that surgery on your abdominal aortic aneurysm's gonna be too aggressive I'd like to start you on twenty-five grams of Lopressor.
Dr. Turner: Don't you mean twenty-five milligrams?
Elliot: There! See? You're already trying to treat yourself! That was a test.
Dr. Turner: But twenty-five grams would kill me.
Elliot: I know. But i-i-it's still a test.
Dr. Turner: Fine. From now on, you're the doctor.

Dr. Kelso: I'd like to see the blueberry again. [nibbles] Blueberries taste fresh. Hint of lemon zest. I'm intrigued. And unfortunately processed flour. No thank you. Let me try your carrot. [As Cabbage turns around, Dr. Kelso walks away with the muffin]

Jason: I've a non-fat latte with room for Schnapps for Janitor?
Janitor: Yep, thank you. Nice braces. You're not worried about, uh, spider monkeys?
Jason: Spider monkeys?
Janitor: Spider monkeys see intricate metal work as a display of dominance. It's a threat to them. They'd tear your eyes out.
Jason: Well, I'm just psyched this place is paying for 'em.
Janitor: You get dental?

Dr. Cox: And here we are. Even though Kershnar's signature is on the chart, this is the gentleman who ordered the surgery.
Elliot: No, he didn't. Tell him.
Dr. Turner: What would you like me to say?
Dr. Cox: I'm just gonna go ahead and tip myself for calling this one! Thank you... me!

Turk: Well, I don't see you giving the money back to cotton candy man.
J.D.: As a matter of fact, I already did.
[meanwhile in the morgue:]
Doug: A twenty. Score! Cool shirt.

Dr. Cox: Giant coffee.
Janitor: Saw you coming. Here's your vente drip. How 'bout a Corinne Bailey Ray CD. With her stripped-down sound and chilled-out vibe, this British soul superstar is one of the year's hottest newcomers.
Dr. Cox: You know what? I'll take one of those.
Janitor: It's a sale.

Elliot: You know the worst thing about Turner's surgery? I'm gonna be right, but he's gonna die. It'll be a hollow victory.
Dr. Cox: If I got to be right and have a private practice doctor die due to his own idiocy, I would call that a pretty full victory.

Dr. Kelso: Banana-nut muffin, please.
Jason: Sir, I've been told not to serve you.
Muffin: Hey, just take me. What are they gonna do, put you in jail? You're Bob Kelso! Just grab me and run! Do it!
[Kelso tries to grab the muffin, but the plexiglass counter blocks his reach]
Janitor: Yay. All right, I'm going on break. Don't touch the muffin puppet.

J.D.: [v.o.] Still, the best discovery was learning that someone I drummed out of medicine had landed on his feet.
J.D.: Frontsies! Cabbage!
Jason: Hey, Dr. D.
J.D.: Mmm. That's what we call "Cabbage-tastic."
Jason: Oh, I love this job. I screw up, nobody gets hurt. Except Cindy. I scalded her pretty bad with some steamed milk, you could see the bone.
J.D.: Eww. How about a second of that dynamite ape impression. I'm sorry, Cindy, once he's in monkey mode, you can't stop him. But who would want to, right? Cheers.